The Alternative: Know when to say when

by Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr's work includes the best-selling and darkly funny memoir "Gasping for Airtime" (Hyperion). Find out more about Jay at jaymohr.com.


Updated: February 18, 2008, 5:24 PM EST 163 comments

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So Bob Knight decided to tap out shortly after picking up win No. 900. Does anyone really believe that Knight's fire for coaching went out? I think he just woke up one day and realized he worked in Lubbock.

It's sad, really. A man whose entire career was founded on the bedrock of hard work and always giving it your all just up and bails on his team? Bobby Knight is a quitter. If he could have, he would've probably thrown a chair at himself. Just imagine him screaming, "If you leave now, you are letting this entire program down!"

It's a shame. Texas Tech can officially kiss all hope of ever appearing on national TV again goodbye. With his departure, Knight took a bunch of young guys' futures and stepped on them. I'm sure, as I type, all of West Texas is lining up to shake the hand of his replacement. Everyone just loves good ol' what's-his-name.

Some people retire too soon and unexpectedly and some need to be taken out back and forcibly instructed to put away their uniform. When Jim Brown retired, people were devastated and shocked. They wondered, "How can you retire now? You are the best!"

Well, he still is. Maybe Jim Brown still runs over everyone in his path in our minds because we never witnessed an old Jim Brown getting run down from behind by some fat-slob lineman like Emmitt Smith did when he played for the Cardinals. Now that was pathetic. The all-time greatest rusher playing for the Arizona Cardinals? That was an embarrassment. That is, when he was well enough to actually take the field. It seems Emmitt's knees knew when to quit, even if he didn't.

Professional athletes can say all they want that "it's not about the money" — we all know it is. Until recently, we were all fooled by a similar mantra, "It's not about the numbers." Sure it isn't. Why else would Jerry Rice suit up for the Raiders, but for the love of the game? Hell, Jerry Rice agreed to be a possession receiver for the freaking Seahawks! Why? He already had all the numbers he needed to get into Canton three times over. I guess Jerry just really loved playing football. So much so that he didn't mind playing nine plays a game.

Barry Sanders retired a bit prematurely, but on the bright side, he can also still talk. Has anyone seen Earl Campbell lately? Yikes. Watching old Earl wheel himself around and try to have a conversation is a true tragedy.

One would think the NFL would try to care for these men a little better. Roger Goodell, being the Kim Jong-il of football, is too busy burying Spygate tapes in Jay Glazer's backyard to care about the health of retired NFL greats. Gene Upshaw should simply be ashamed of himself. This man makes around $6 million (that's guaranteed by the way ... player salaries are not) and he can't work health care into his schedule?

No wonder guys like Robert Smith of the Vikings and Kyle Turley retire early. They just want to be able to pick up their kids!

Who really knows what drives these men? In my opinion, it's just ego. What else could be keeping Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden on the sideline? Let's face it, neither coach wants to retire and have the other retire a year later as No. 1. Joe Pa is probably wearing adult diapers at this point in his career. No one in Crappy Valley is brave enough to tell him he is facing the stands. Bobby Bowden must have a hell of a recruiting pitch, "Son if you come on down to Tallahasee, you just might be able to watch me die during practice!" Recruits eat that stuff up.

No, Bowden and Paterno are not going to retire this year or next year or the year after that. They are locked in a long, slow race to see who will be the first Division-I coach to call plays from a Craftmatic adjustable bed. My money is on JoePa.

Scottie Pippen played too long. So did MJ ... the third time. If you don't agree with me, go blow the dust off your Wizards jersey. Some guys stick around waaaaay too long, and some guys just don't know when to hang it up. The big question remains: WHY? Why do they put their bodies through the torture? Why do they continue to play below expectations? Why does Vinny Testaverde still have so much hair? These guys must either really, REALLY love playing sports or they simply just can't stand the sight of their wives.

best of lucky,
Jay Mohr

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