15 Reasons to Hate Alabama or Notre Dame

Published on: January 03, 2013 | Written by: Clay Travis

This year's BCS title game is a big bowl of hate. Never have two college football teams who are more detested by the rest of the nation played for a national title, the Alabama Crimson Tide vs. the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, it's a royal rumble of fan stupidity.

Gag me.

So if you hate Alabama and Notre Dame, who do you root for and who do you root against? Which team is actually more detestable?

That's for you to decide.

But in the interests of fairness we decided to give you a handy 15 point rooting guide, 15 reasons to hate Alabama and 15 reasons to hate Notre Dame.

15 reasons to hate Alabama:

1. You've got to start with the Bama Bangs haircut.

How can an entire state adopt the most feminine haircut in the country? Even more of an indictment, how can women sleep with these men? That's even more ridiculous.

Somehow Alabama is to blame for Justin Bieber.

Baby, that's a fact.

2. Alabama fans want a genius for a football coach and a President they can share a beer with.

The rest of the country thinks this is backwards.

3. Bear Bryant, the most revered man in the state, was a racist alcoholic.   

What more can you say?

4. Alabama has more fans without GED's than any university in the country.

This is a fact.

Moving right along.

5. Nick Saban blamed Alabama fans for the 2009 Sugar Bowl loss.

Alabama fans agreed with him.

Yep, Alabama fans, patron saints of domestic abuse, also get domestically abused by their own coach.

6. All schools have sore losers. Alabama's kill campus treasures that have been alive for over a hundred years.

And if you think it was a surprise that an Alabama fan did this, you have never been to Alabama.

7. Grown men cheer with pom-pons.

Watch the cheerleaders distribute the pom-pons before the game. Fraternity guys nearly fight over the final couple of free pom-pons. This. Really. Happens.

8. The entire state of Alabama is unable to distinguish between you're and your.

Your gay!

Your next Notre Dame!

9. Your starting quarterback's tattoo looks like this.

 

Yet, somehow it is still the classiest tattoo that any Alabama fan has.

Don't believe me?

This guy actually exists.

 

He's the Governor.

10. Tuscaloosa is Cherokee for "piece of crap town."

The only good thing about the Trail of Tears? No one had to go back to Tuscaloosa.

11. Bernie Madoff is the most successful Alabama student of the past fifty years.

Of course he also embezzled billions of dollars via the largest pyramid scheme in American history and is serving life in prison.

Details, details...

12. Alabama has not been called for holding in an SEC game since 1964.

When an SEC official mistakenly made this call, he was forced to move to the only place in the world worse than Tuscaloosa...Tehran.

13. Alabama won the national title in 1941.

They claimed that title in 1986.

The Tide finished third in the SEC that year.

If Notre Dame claimed titles like Alabama did, the Irish would have ten more titles.

14. Governor George Wallace stood in the school house door at Alabama to keep black students from enrolling at the university.

Thousands of people who voted for him multiple times to be Governor and President will be in the stands at the BCS title game.

15. Initially the Confederacy had their national capitol in Alabama, but then they moved it.

Yep, Alabama, you weren't even good enough for the Confederate States of America.

I like to picture Jefferson Davis, in an early signing day surprise, picking up the Virginia cavalier hat and tossing aside the Alabama kepi.
 

....

15 reasons to hate Notre Dame:

1. You are the most ridiculously overhyped team in all of sports.

At least teams like the Yankees, and the Celtics, and the Lakers actually win games. The last time you were ranked at the end of the season was 2006.

Since 1995, Notre Dame has won two bowl games.

That's the same number as Vanderbilt.

2. Rudy Ruettiger is a stock scammer.

You remember Rudy, right? Lovable tiny walk-on they made the movie about.

The SEC, that's the securities and exchange commission not the conference, charged him with stock fraud.

Yep, even Rudy cheats.

3. People actually cheer for Notre Dame because of their religion.

We have separation of church and state, but we don't have separation of church and football.

Thomas Jefferson hates you too.

4. The lack of birth control.

Seriously, it's not 1452, my wife doesn't want to sleep with me already, and now I've got to wait for her to consult her ovulation chart so we don't have our ninth kid?

I hate you.

5. Lou Holtz is on ESPN because he was your coach.

So you made America have to listen to Lou Holtz every weekend.

This standing alone is enough reason to hate you.

6. Two words; Ron Powlus.

You guys remember Ron Powlus, before he ever played a game Beano Cook said this about him: "Ron Powlus will win the Heisman two times and be the greatest quarterback in the history of Notre Dame." Only, you guessed it, he didn't manage to do anything at all.

That makes him the quintessential Notre Dame player, overhyped, not clutch.

Think this is a thing of the past?

See, Quinn, Brady.

7. The Golden dome.

"Oh, wow, your helmets are gold. That's amazing. Good job, good effort."

This is what you tell first graders.

Or Notre Dame fans.

8. Touchdown Jesus.
  
You know how athletes and coaches get ripped when they claim that God cares who wins football games?
  
Yet it can be suggested a billion times a year that Jesus is rooting for Notre Dame because of your ridiculous campus landmark and no one even blinks.  
 
Of course, Jesus is clearly not rooting for Notre Dame, if He was the Irish would probably have finished a season ranked more than once in the past seven years.  
  
In fact, you know who Jesus is rooting for? 
 
The team without Jimmy Clausen at quarterback. 
 
9. The academic arrogance.
  
Notre Dame fans act like their school is Harvard or Yale. 
 
Newsflash, here are FBS schools that are better than you are according to U.S. News and World Report: Stanford, Duke, and Northwestern.
  
Here are schools that are just as good as you are: Vanderbilt and Rice. 
 
You're really not that special.
  
In fact, chances are you went to Notre Dame because you couldn't get in to Stanford, Duke, Northwestern or an Ivy League school.
  
10. Mant'i Te'o is a saint!
  
You know what Mant'i Te'o would be called if he played anywhere else in the country?
  
Linebacker.
 
Oh, please, please can you tell us again about how he's from Hawaii and decided not to go to USC? 
 
Because I think I might have missed that story the first four billion times you told us about it. 
 
Wait, hold up, you're telling me that a player had a favorite school before that he chose not to attend?
  
That's impossible and amazing! (says no one who has ever followed college recruiting).
  
11. You're now in the ACC for five football games a year.
  
So you're not even willing to play a full ACC football schedule.
  
Which is the college football conference equivalent of pulling out.
 
12. Your quarterbacks are all assholes.
 
See, Clausen, Jimmy and Quinn, Brady
  
There's just something about the Notre Dame quarterback that makes every person on earth hate them.
 
And that something is this, they all suck.
  
13. Your best football highlight from the past decade?
  
Charlie Weis getting wiped out on the sideline.

14. Notre Dame is in Indiana, the worst state in the midwest. 
 
Even other midwestern residents look at each other every winter morning as they scrape the ice off their Pontiac Trans Am's and say, "It could be worse, we could live in Indiana." 
 
15. The people who root for Notre Dame aren't actually college football fans.
 
Lots of teams have fairweather fans, but at least those teams actually watch the sport.

Notre Dame will set a record for the number of "fans" who haven't even watched a Notre Dame game all season and will show up to cheer for the Irish in Starter jackets from 1988.
 
Notre Dame "fans" aren't even just fairweather fans of a team, they're fairweather fans of the sport.  

...

Feel free to add your insults in the comments below.

OKTC will land in Miami tomorrow, we can't wait.