All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mai...

All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked t...

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey



Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
Should Tallahassee Police...

Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?

Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
Johnny Manziel Introduces...

Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game

Featured Story

Okay, it's mailbag time.

I'm presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I've been afraid I'd lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn't speak loud enough. Right now I'm in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

"Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don't quite match - meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change."

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in "One Hundred Years of Solitude:" “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

I mean, that's just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I've always been a big reader -- you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? -- and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he's ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don't even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

Latest Articles

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey

Written by: Clay Travis

Since Outkick is generally a site that brings you the sweetest, cuddliest, nicest news on the Internet, we thought it was time to remind you that it's prom season across our nation's country. A time when hormone-crazed teenage boys contemplate every possible way to get their dates to sleep with them -- while mostly failing -- and fathers contemplate killing whichever boy shows up to take out their teenage daughter.  

Which brings us to this heartwarming story delivered to Outkick's email:

Will Ernst writes:

"My sister got asked to prom by her boyfriend who made a custom Kentucky jersey. We live in Lincoln, Nebraska now but moved from Kentucky awhile back. Hope you enjoy."

Okay, all together now -- awwwww. 

This is probably the best use of a Kentucky basketball jersey on a white man since Patrick Sparks. 

Congrats, Liz.

Have fun at prom.

(P.S. despite what your date tells you blue balls aren't an actual medical condition.)  

By Craig Hayes

In a few weeks the NFL Draft will be held in New York City, an event that has spawned an entire closet industry of experts and prognosticators. For NFL Fans, the draft gives us a temporary fix as we anxiously await another season with the hope that this is the year our team hoists the Lombardi Trophy.

Oh, boy, The New York Times just released a major piece this morning examining the Jameis Winston "investigation" that tells us what we already knew -- the Tallahassee police department completely and totally bungled its investigation into Winston's case. You need to read the story for yourself, but I want to dive into the details a bit more here because there's so much here that it's difficult to break it all down.

So, first, read the story. 

Now, let's examine the four biggest aspects of the New York Times story:


The video was taken on the night in question and was later deleted by Florida State player Chris Casher. 

Let's start here, if the video was of a consensual sexual act, why would you delete it? Also, when did you delete it? Why did you decide to delete it? Did you share it with anyone prior to deleting the video? We don't know because police never reviewed the text messages of Winston and his roommates.  

Johnny Manziel continues to audition potential women to accompany him to New York for the draft. The latest auditionee, according to Busted Coverage is the wonderfully named Kyndal Kyaire, who Manziel took to a Texas Rangers baseball game last night.

It's true love, clearly. 

Kyndal competed for Maxim's Hometown Hotties contest in 2013 and listed her occupation as VIP cocktail waitress/model. According to her, she's not just a pretty face because she has a degree from Sacramento State in "entrepreneurship."

If you're the kind of guy who likes to look at pictures of girls in scantily clad clothing while you're supposed to be working -- and I'm sure you're not -- Kendal has a Facebook fan page with lots more pictures

She also has a YouTube video from a photo shoot.

But, honestly, the best part of the entire video is when the photographer goes into the pool in his cargo shorts. 

That's dedication to the craft.  

Cuonzo Is Gonzo: So Who's Next for the Vols?

Written by: Clay Travis

Cuonzo Martin and the Tennessee Vols were in the midst of an awkward divorce. Neither really wanted to be in a relationship with the other. Vol athletic director Dave Hart expected Martin to take the Marquette job, but at the last minute Martin told Marquette no. So just over ten days ago Tennessee released an unplanned commitment letter between Martin and the Vols. Clearly, that "commitment" is now no longer. Tennessee and Cuonzo both got their wish, the divorce is final.

So now the question becomes this -- what will Tennessee pay to hire a replacement coach? If the Vols are willing to pay in the neighborhood of $2.5 million a year then there are many top-tier candidates. That kind of salary would mean that Tennessee is paying top-ten college basketball coaching money.  There aren't many schools that can pay top-ten coaching money. Tennessee can. 

The men's basketball program has been right around the top five in the country for much of that last decade in total attendance. Three of the last four Tennessee coaches -- everyone except for the woeful Buzz Peterson -- has been to a Sweet 16. The Vols have been in the NCAA tournament for 11 of the past 16 seasons. This is without a doubt one of the top four basketball jobs in the SEC. Kentucky is the unquestioned number one job in the conference, but Bruce Pearl recently argued that Tennessee was number two. His argument was pretty simple, Billy Donovan makes Florida's program, not the other way around. (Pearl's top six SEC programs in order were Kentucky, Tennessee, Florida, Arkansas, Vanderbilt, and Missouri). That's a fair list. Given that Arkansas hasn't even been to the Sweet 16 since 1996, approaching an entire generation, it's hard to argue that Arkansas is superior to the Vols. I don't believe Vandy and Mizzou are either. 

As is, Cuonzo leaves behind a mediocre collection of talent, but Vol fans know this. Expectations will be realistic for a new coach. 

So who will that new coach be? It really depends on what Dave Hart can spend. The finances of Vol athletics have stabilized a great deal of late. Dooley's buyout is, mercifully, mostly gone. Butch Jones has the football team on the right track. Vol athletics has dug out of its buyout hole. 

Hell, Cal will actually be paying Tennessee over a million dollars for Cuonzo to leave.

Here's an early stab at a guess. 

 I know this is going to surprise you, but lots of Alabama fans are also fans of WWE wrestling. Last night Raw came to Birmingham and the 85% were out in full force, totally unaware that wrestling's outcomes are predetermined, convinced that if they just cheer loudly enough their hero can overcome and vanquish his foe. 

Among the Bama fans in attendance was our old friend from last year's SEC Media Days, the Bama fan with the ring hat. 

Only this year he'd modified his outfit to also include an Alabama championship belt. 

Sometimes I think, wow, do I spend too much time making fun of Bama fans? But then I think, good lord, there are just so damn many idiot Bama fans that I can't help but make fun of them the most.

If any of you went to Raw you have to have some amazing photos of the crowd too. 

Please share, especially if you can beat this guy's pic. 

Or if you're an Auburn fan and you have a picture from later in the night of an Auburn fan stealing this guy's belt. 

Nick Saban Met the Alabama Gymnastics Team

Written by: Clay Travis

Nick Saban met the Alabama gymnastics team yesterday. The idea was that Saban would help the team focus as their national title run nears. Instead, thanks to Amanda Jetter, everyone is going to focus on what might be the most awkward Nick Saban photo ever taken.

I guess in an age of Bobby Petrino, you can never be too careful when your picture is taken with coeds.

Above all else.  


And make sure that the gymnasts who are taller than me are squatting in the front. Nick Saban is seven feet tall!

Anyway, Nick Saban is not happy with your early morning giggling over his photo. This is exactly what he's thinking right now:

"Hey, you, snickering over there, this is why you're a failure in life. You waste your day laughing at things when everyone knows laughter is only necessary on in-home visits for 28 minutes a day. Any more than that is fluff. You try to get your photo taken with 17 nearly teenage gymnasts and figure out where to put your hands without looking like a pervert. So what if I managed to adopt the I'm a little teapot with an erection pose? Sooooo what. It's all distractions. All just a bunch of fluff. I hate all of you."

It's okay, Nick.

I'm pretty sure every one of these girls has cooties.   

King Joffrey is finally dead. 

In a move that left 100% of "Game of Thrones," viewers thrilled, Joffrey choked to death at his own wedding after being poisoned by someone. I'll confess this -- I'll miss Joffrey. Not because I didn't hate his character, but precisely because he was so damn good at playing, what I think it's fair to say, is probably the most hated character in television history. I'll write more about this later, but there's a distinction between hating Joffrey and the hate that I felt for Dana on "Homeland." Dana's hate was motivated by the vapidity of her character combined with truly terrible acting and awful writing. When was the last time you heard a line from Dana and thought, "Damn, that was a great line?"   Has it ever happened?   It hasn't for me.    It happens all the time with Joffrey. Consider just these three lines from the final moments of his life on the show, "Bring me my goblet," "Kneel before your king," and, his final line, which it its bossy, arrogant, petulant delivery despite its quotidian nature is absolutely perfect for the final line of King Joffrey, "Hurry up, this pie is dry."   Then came his death, in which never have so many rooted for one man to choke to death. Across America I pictured all of you standing and cheering, like your favorite team just scored a last-second touchdown.    Yes!   At long last Joffrey was dead.    And that death, how perfect was the final gesture, a finger pointed at Tyrion? It wasn't just that Joffrey clearly believed Tyrion had poisoned him to death -- even if it's not true -- it was that in the final moments of his life Joffrey believed that the imp, the brother he'd ridiculed to no end, had finally bested him for all eternity.  

It's draft season, which means the Wonderlic numbers are starting to leak. And according to Albert Breer on Twitter, the top three quarterbacks scored the following on the Wonderlic: Johnny Manziel, 32, Blake Bortles, 28, and Teddy Bridgewater, 20. How does that compare to the past Wonderlic scores of starting NFL quarterbacks and Super Bowl winners?

Here you go. 

With the exception of Ben Roethlisberger, who scored a 25, every quarterback who has won a Super Bowl and is currently playing in the league right now scored a 28 or above. 

Anyway, food for thought as the prolonged wait for the NFL Draft continues.

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