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Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
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A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
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Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
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Okay, it's mailbag time.

I'm presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I've been afraid I'd lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn't speak loud enough. Right now I'm in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

"Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don't quite match - meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change."

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in "One Hundred Years of Solitude:" “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

I mean, that's just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I've always been a big reader -- you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? -- and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he's ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don't even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

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Today Outkick the Coverage begins our countdown of the ten dumbest fan bases in America. I've been writing online and doing sports talk radio for nine years. During that time I've written about every fan base in America. Contrary to what you've been told, all fan bases are not equally dumb. 

Some fan bases are uniquely dumb. 

These are their stories. 

...

When Rocky Top, the insanely popular song your fan base cheers with hearty vibrancy, pays ode to the implied murder of a federal agent intent on stopping you from producing illegal moonshine, you're pretty crazy. 

Tennessee fans occupy a unique and fertile crescent of idiocy -- the central region of the Bermuda Triangle of fan idiocy, where IQ points go to die, Kentucky to Tennessee to Alabama,  is connected by  I-65 -- namely they're like Alabama or Kentucky fans who have suddenly gotten rich in the past twenty years and found distractions to limit their idiocy. That is, while Alabama and Kentucky fans have embarked upon a continued descent into crazy, Tennessee's collective idiocy has declined. In the past fifteen years the Volunteer state has spawned many additional teams for people to root for and the crazy Vol fan has been diluted by the rise of the Tennessee Titans, the Nashville Predators, and the Memphis Grizzlies.

As a general rule, the more teams you have to root for in a given state, the less crazy fans become. The rationale is fairly straightforward, in Alabama you have to be Harvey Updyke crazy in order to stand out. In New York, how crazy does the average Brooklyn Nets fan have to be to stand out as the crazy Nets fan? He just has to have season tickets. 

Combine the sudden upswing in pro sports competition with the odd geography of Tennessee. The state's really three distinct regions, Memphis and west Tennessee, where the Vols aren't that popular in the grand scheme of things, Nashville and middle Tennessee, where the Vols are the most popular college team, but there is ample competition for fan affection, and Knoxville and east Tennessee, where the craziest Vol fans live in the hills, drink moonshine from their own stills, and FedExed feces to Chris Fowler when Peyton Manning lost the Heisman. 

Fowler's feces came with a note -- "Phuck you!," it said. 

This really happened. 

That's mountain damn crazy, and that's why Tennessee is our tenth dumbest fan base in the country.  

I stared across the chess table at my opponent, her dark, cold eyes promising no mercy. Her professionalism and business-like manner indicated that I was just another victim who would quickly be dispatched. I was face-to-face with an eight-year-old girl in a pink Snoopy t-shirt that read “cupcakes forever."

Bama Signee Dee Liner Poses With Wad of Cash

Written by: Clay Travis

Dee Liner, who has perhaps the greatest name in the history of the defensive lineman position, is a four star recruit in the Alabama Crimson Tide's top ranked 2013 class. After initially committing to Auburn, Liner, from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, flipped to the Crimson Tide.

This, as you might imagine, embittered quite a few Auburn fans. 

So as soon as Liner took to instagram to post pictures of himself holding a stack of cash and saying that he never needed to worry about money anymore, well, it set off alarm bells. And immediately blew up my Twitter account and our email inbox.  

Liner is on the far left, in the black shirt.

The other two guys either have their own wads of cash or they're all posing with the same wad of cash. You money detectives can scrutinize the cash.

Who knows how Liner ended up with this cash.  

Maybe he's been working all summer for this amount of cash -- it's not like he's got ten thousand dollars there.  

Maybe he's got a rich relative. After all, the one thing the NCAA can't discipline is rich parents. If your parents are rich there's no such thing as an improper benefit. Ask Johnny Manziel.  

Johnny Manziel is Vincent Chase

Written by: Clay Travis

It's official, Johnny Manziel is Vincent Chase from "Entourage."

Over the weekend Manziel got kicked out of a Texas frat party and wore a Tim Tebow Jets jersey.

This almost broke the Internet.

Over two million people have watched Manziel leaving the Texas frat party. 

Two million!

For a twenty second video.

It's clear now that Manziel's closest comparisons no longer play college football, it's Hollywood. He's Vinnie Chase with the Heisman. Hell, according to my buddy Bruce Feldman, he even has a friend he calls Turtle. (Thanks to David Campbell for the image). 

Earlier this year I made fun of Justin Bieber on Twitter and was immediately assaulted by crazy Bieber fans. They were maniacs. All under the age of 18, but crazy as hell. It was like being attacked by an army of 5th graders hopped up on Red Bull. I'd never seen so many lol's in my life. I was drowning in teenage shorthand. For an adult man this was pretty much Twitter waterboarding. 

The Bieberites crushed even the dumbest sports fans on Earth. 

But then Carlos Hyde allegedly punched a girl and Ohio State fans decided that rather than blame their running back for putting himself in a stupid situation in the club, I was to blame. What with my ridiculous Twitter policy of linking stories and having an opinion. What in the world did I think I was doing not giving Carlos Hyde the Nobel peace prize? And being critical of Urban Meyer too? What basis could I ever have to be criticial of a multi-million dollar coach with one of the most lenient disciplinary policies in college football? I mean, it's not like one of his former players was a potential serial killer who shot two people while he played football for Meyer's team. 

Wait....

Nope, I'm the bad guy. I've been swimming in a sea of idiocy for the better part of this week. It's gotten so bad that I apologized to Alabama and Kentucky fans for calling them dumb. Really. Most of y'all have loved it. 

So I polled you guys on Twitter and asked, should I just run an all hate from Ohio State fans mailbag?

Your nearly unanimous answer was yes.

I typically don't feature hatemail that much because the vast majority of my Tweets and emails are positive. Really, they are. I could just retweet positive comments from you guys all day, but I don't think those are as entertaining for you to read. Yay, another person who likes the site and wants me to keep doing exactly what I'm doing. While I appreciate you letting me know you enjoy the site, the radio show, or the TV hits -- I really do read every email and tweet sent to me -- the hate is just so much more entertaining to broadcast. My buddy, comedian Josh Wolf, a writer and panelist for Chelsea Lately, is incredulous about the venom I can provoke.

"Dude," he's said on multiple occasions, "don't these people realize you're just talking about sports?"

Evidently not.

This is serious stuff. 

On to the hate.  

Local news rarely if ever disappoints. Even when, as is the case here, there's a story of some importance for local news to cover. Did or did not starting Ohio State running back Carlos Hyde punch, hit, or slap a girl at a club?

Thus far, stories have differed. 

On Monday Hyde was suspended from the team -- the Columbus-Dispatch reported that he'd been dismissed, but that didn't happen. On Tuesday afternoon Yahoo's Charles Robinson, who appears to have never viewed the actual video, said that sources told him Hyde didn't make any contact with the woman on the video and that authorities were unlikely to charge Hyde with any crime. This led Ohio State fans to nominate Hyde for the Nobel Peace Prize and Tweet me to commit suicide by shooting myself. 

Really. 

Because, you know, I had the total and absolute gall to write and link the news reports and have an opinion about it. 

Last night came the latest news on the Hyde case. Local Columbus NBC news reporter Mindy Drayer is on the case. 

From her living room. 

You have to watch this. 

It's just over a month until Ole Miss travels to Vanderbilt to begin the 2013 SEC football season with a Thursday night kickoff in Nashville.

How does Vanderbilt follow up on a nine win campaign, the most successful football season in 97 years? 

Well, part of the plan gets developed by Vanderbilt's coaching staff on their annual football coaches retreat. The Vandy staff works on football from eight in the morning until one in the afternoon and then spends the rest of the day and evening having fun. Working hard and playing hard is why Franklin believes Vandy was the only staff in the SEC who didn't lose a single coach last year. Last year's retreat was in Birmingham; this year's is in Chattanooga.

Today half of the coaches went golfing at the Chattanooga Golf and Country Club and the other half spent the day on a pontoon boat out on Chickamauga Lake.

James Franklin led the pontoon boat brigade.  

And as part of an afternoon spent on the pontoon boat, Franklin was challenged to jump off a fifty foot cliff. And if you've recently been called the nation's most insane head coach, you don't run from a challenge. 

So Franklin accepted.

With wide receiver coach Josh Gattis providing the narration, Kevin Threlkel, Assistant Director of Football Operations, snapping the photo, and player personnel coach Andy Frank on the camera phone -- you can blame him for not turning the phone sideways -- the below video is the result. 

Can you see any other SEC coach trying this? (Les Miles doesn't count. Because Les would have jumped naked while riding on the back of an alligator).

Predicting the 2013 SEC East

Written by: Clay Travis

Yesterday I laid out my predictions for the 2013 SEC West, now I'm giving y'all my predictions for the SEC East. 

I've broken down each team's schedule using five different categories: definite wins, likely wins, definite losses, likely losses, and toss-ups.

So how do I define those games. 

Definite wins are games that should have spreads of 17+. It's possible that a team could lose these games, but it's incredibly unlikely. If teams lose these games you're probably heading for a Gene Chizik like implosion.

Likely wins are those games that a team should win, but it's not a slam dunk. You're somewhere around a 8-14 point favorite in the game.

Toss ups are games I'm forecasting to have a spread of a touchdown or less. These are basically games where a play or two here or there has a decent chance of determining the outcome. I've also put a few games that will likely have a margin of more than seven points in the toss-up category. For instance, LSU at Alabama will probably see Bama as a touchdown or more favorite, but given LSU and Alabama's history of late, would it really shock anyone if LSU went into Tuscaloosa and found a way to win? I don't think so, hence some of my toss-ups are a function of history, coaching, and my own feelings about the match-ups.

Figure that a toss-up is close to a 65-35 outcome at worst. That is, if the game was played 100 times the underdog would win around 35 of the games. Many of these toss-ups are much closer to 50-50 splits, where one team or the other will be a field goal or less of a favorite.   

Likely losses are the reverse of the likely wins, the team that is likely to lose will be 8-14 point underdog.

Definite losses are games where a team will be a three score or more underdog.  

In related news, go ahead and run for the hills Georgia Bulldog fans, you're my pick to win the 2013 BCS title. 

Predicting the 2013 SEC West

Written by: Clay Travis

I'm headed to Las Vegas this weekend to make my yearly over/under and BCS title bets for college football.

I'll update you with my decisions in all these bets once I make them, but in the meantime I've been looking at the SEC schedule and trying to think probabilistically about what I believe will happen this season. So it's time for OKTC to dive into each SEC school and predict what I see for the season.

This year we start with the SEC West.

I've broken down each team's schedule using five different categories: definite wins, likely wins, definite losses, likely losses, and toss-ups.

So how do I define those games. 

Definite wins are games that should have spreads of 17+. It's possible that a team could lose these games, but it's incredibly unlikely. If teams lose these games you're probably heading for a Gene Chizik like implosion.

Likely wins are those games that a team should win, but it's not a slam dunk. You're somewhere around a 8-14 point favorite in the game.

Toss ups are games I'm forecasting to have a spread of a touchdown or less. These are basically games where a play or two here or there has a decent chance of determining the outcome. I've also put a few games that will likely have a margin of more than seven points in the toss-up category. For instance, LSU at Alabama will probably see Bama as a touchdown or more favorite, but given LSU and Alabama's history of late, would it really shock anyone if LSU went into Tuscaloosa and found a way to win? I don't think so, hence some of my toss-ups are a function of history, coaching, and my own feelings about the match-ups.

Figure that a toss-up is close to a 65-35 outcome at worst. That is, if the game was played 100 times the underdog would win around 35 of the games. Many of these toss-ups are much closer to 50-50 splits, where one team or the other will be a field goal or less of a favorite.   

Likely losses are the reverse of the likely wins, the team that is likely to lose will be 8-14 point underdog.

Definite losses are games where a team will be a three score or more underdog.  

Remember OKTC's old friend Orlando Shaw, the Nashville man with 22 children by 14 different mothers, well, he's back.

And he's got a reality show in the works.  

That and he's about to become a grandfather at 33. 

All of this might leave you wondering, why isn't Shaw, wearing a nice all yellow outfit with the word Martian on a t-shirt, considering getting a vasectomy? 

Because of the movie "War Horse."

"Have you seen the movie War Horse? I'm a war horse and I don't want to be cut down there and it won't work the right way no more," said a pensive Shaw.

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