Time to stop pretending you're working and dive into the mailbag.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Tim Francis, who Tweets me this, "Mailbag...I am at the hospital, my wife is in labor with our son. How much would you pay us to name him Clay Travis?"
I Tweeted him back that I would pay him $1,000.
That's a decent start on the college fund, right?
For those of you who don't live in Nashville, you're missing out. Time Magazine calls us the hottest city in the country.
Okay, okay on to the mailbag.
Over 150,000 Alabama and Auburn fans showed up for the Crimson Tide and Tiger spring games this past weekend.
And at least two couples got married, one at Alabama and one at Auburn.
Both grooms wore cargo shorts.
But which wore it best?
Let's dive in and decide which Alabama wedding was more awkward.
And God bless Alabama and Auburn fans for continuing to amaze us.
Even when we all secretly think there is nothing that either fan base can do -- especially Alabama's -- to shock us.
They just keep keeping on.
First, we owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to AL.com since they actually have video of the Auburn couple being married at Toomer's Corner.
It's been a rough week for feel-good stories so the mailbag is here to make everything better.
First, a mea culpa, I was deluged by emails from farmers, really, ridiculing my premise that a man could choke a cow to death. (In last week's mailbag I suggested that the largest animal a human could kill with its bare hands was a cow.)
Jim H. summed up the outrage:
"You've written and said a ton of dumb stuff over the years, but suggesting that an average man could strangle a cow to death is by far the dumbest. Cows have some of the strongest neck muscles in the animal kingdom. There is no way any man could choke one to death. You wouldn't even get close to shutting off the windpipe. Your an idiot. (The your was on purpose)."
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is the Maryland sorority girl who uncorked this amazing email yesterday.
Hot, crazy, and mean?
She's going to make someone a wonderfully wild wife. She's also tougher than just about every Maryland football player. Somewhere Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany read this email, pumped his fist, and said, "By God, I knew Maryland had the spunk the Big Ten needs."
Another year, another woeful performance on the Wonderlic test for bunches of college athletes who have somehow remained eligible at major universities despite testing borderline literate.
The latest player scores to leak are all wide receivers: West Virginia's Tavon Austin and Tennessee's Cordarrelle Patterson and Justin Hunter. The trio scored a 7, 11, and 12, respectively, according to a report in the Milwaukee newspaper. (The news wasn't all bad, USC's Robert Woods posted a 23).
A test score of ten on the Wonderlic is considered functional literacy. According to Wonderlic data the average engineer would score around a 30, the average security guard a 17.
So all three of these wide receivers tested borderline literate, and substantially less intelligent than an average security guard would test.
Yet all three receivers have been eligible to play college football for years.
Isn't this prima facie evidence of academic fraud? I mean, if you can barely read the Wonderlic test, how in the world have you been eligible at a four year college without significant cheating?
Academic fraud -- that is, what goes on to keep players eligible in college -- is one of the great untold stories of major college athletics. Virtually every major program is cheating its ass off to keep players who have no business in college eligible to play football and basketball.
You can't stop crazy.
It's an important lesson to remember in the wake of two explosive devices that went off at the Boston Marathon yesterday, killing three people and injuring over a hundred.
That's an awful act perpetrated by an individual or individuals, either foreign or domestic, who are terribly misguided and weak.
But it's also an incredibly aberrant and rare act.
In the long history of American sports, there have been two sports terror attacks -- the 1996 Olympic Park bombing that killed two people and wounded over 100, and yesterday's bombing at the Boston Marathon. Those two attacks are separated by nearly 17 years, flank the 9/11 terrorist attack, and have killed five people combined. (There have been sports terror attacks elsewhere -- most notably Munich in 1972 -- but these are rare also. Time Magazine compiled the ten worst sports terror attacks a few years ago.)
In fact, in the entire world, less than 100 people total have ever been killed by terror attacks at sporting events.
When you consider the size of the crowds and the difficulty of policing audiences of this size, that's simply unbelievable.
Lots of people are understandly shaken by yesterday's event, but over the past hundred years worldwide you've been infinitely more likely to fall to death inside a stadium than you have been to be the victim of terrorism. Alcohol poisoning has killed infinitely more fans. Scores more people have died driving to and from sporting events. Indeed, around 110 people a day die in car accidents in this country, the equivalent of the entire VIetnam War death toll every two years. Amazingly, despite the frequent and massive gatherings of sports fans around the world, attending a sporting event is one of the safest things a large group of people can do in America.
Adam Scott, the man your wife or girlfriend actually wishes she was with instead of you, won the Masters yesterday.
Which is nice.
Because prior to this win all Adam Scott had going for him was that he was a single, multi-millionaire professional golfer from Australia who was ridiculously good looking. Now he's a single, multi-millionaire professional golfer from Australia who's ridiculously good looking with a green jacket.
I think I speak for everyone when I ask this question -- how in the world could he live with himself without that green jacket?
Scott's victory did, however, launch him into the celebrity stratosphere as millions of women around the world suddenly realized that he exists. And they all simultaneously wished they were with him instead of their current husband or boyfriend. If you doubt me, check out this google trend line for "Adam Scott girlfriend" searches on Twitter. Google hasn't updated the searches for "Adam Scott girlfriend" to reflect yesterday's results -- and some of these were probably gay guys -- but last year's British Open, when Scott nearly won the tournament, sent Google search traffic soaring for his girlfriend. Chances are your wife, girlfriend, and all their friends were surreptiously Googling his marital status just in case.
Scott's single, but he's previously dated Ana Ivanovic.