All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
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All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition

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Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
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A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
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Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
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Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
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Featured Story

Okay, it's mailbag time.

I'm presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I've been afraid I'd lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn't speak loud enough. Right now I'm in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

"Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don't quite match - meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change."

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in "One Hundred Years of Solitude:" “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

I mean, that's just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I've always been a big reader -- you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? -- and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he's ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don't even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

Latest Articles

Columbia, South Carolina

For generations Williams-Brice Stadium was a football graveyard, the place promising coaching careers came to give up the ghost, one plodding loss after another. No matter who South Carolina brought to take over the football program the Gamecocks were a perpetual Charlie Brown, running pell mell towards a football that was so tantalizingly close to being struck, until, at the last possible moment a series of Lucy's yanked the ball away and their big kick caught nothing but air.

Seven years ago, God finally smiled on the Cocks.

Granted Steve Spurrier didn't arrive and immediately remake the Gamecock football program, but he did breathe life into a moribund program. Slowly, progress bloomed. In 2010 Spurrier won the SEC East. Granted it was with a 5-3 football team, but it was still something South Carolina had never accomplished. Last season Spurrier posted eleven wins despite losing Marcus Lattimore and finally booting the Lindsay Lohan of the SEC, Stephen Garcia. 

With five straight wins to begin the 2012 football season, the Gamecocks had set the table for a visit from number five Georgia. 

Gameday was in the house, fans were so psyched the traffic stretched for hours in the afternoon heat, immobile, queasy in anticipation over kickoff, fans bolted from cars to sprint to new tailgates. Even sorority girls, amped up and too excited to sit still were bailing on cars on George Rogers Boulevard, jogging down the street in their black skirts and dresses.  

Every Wednesday night in the fall is date night in the Travis household. That's because I travel quite a bit on the weekends and other than the MAC games, Wednesday night is pretty safe in terms of sporting events. So I missed watching the live presidential debate in favor of "Looper." I made the right call, "Looper" was fabulous. Seriously, go see the movie, I loved it. Anyway, when I got back home and checked Twitter the debate was over, but you guys were inundating me with Mitt Romney whipping President Obama in the first debate.

How'd this happen?

I mean, aside from Al Gore blaming the altitude?

Mitt Romney had clear eyes, full hearts, and he couldn't lose.

Again, I'm not endorsing anyone in the campaign -- and I may be the only person on earth who actually likes both Obama and Romney and thinks both men will do a good job -- but Obama better make a play for Friday Night Light fans.

And fast.

By the way, if I made an official OKTC endorsement, would we actually change any votes? If so, how scary is that? We've got a massive readership in Virginia, North Carolina, Missouri, and Florida. Those are four huge swing states.

Hell, maybe the candidates should be trying to woo me.  

With one foot firmly in the business side of online sports media and the other foot firmly in the content creation business, sometimes I feel like a house divided against itself. 

On the one hand, every morning I check all our site metrics -- ad impressions, Google analytics for where our readers came from, Twitter shares, Facebook likes, desktop vs. mobile penetration rates -- to see exactly what Outkick looks like from a business perspective. Next I'll check individual stories and see how popular they were. Then I'll break out our numbers weekly and monthly and run some comparables from a year ago.

On the other hand my mind is constantly percolating, making connections, sifting for something to write about that will be original, smart, and funny and make this day pass faster for me and for you.

I get asked all the time what makes stories pop on the Internet and the boiled down answer is this: you need to be original, you need to be smart, and you need to be funny.

The truth is, that's hard to do consistently. Most people can't do it. If you can you can make a living on the creative side of this business, if you can't, you can't.

The Linemaker Poll

Written by: Todd Fuhrman

Popularity polls are the most hotly contested useless debate college football fans engage in every year.  Alumni and students work themselves into a frenzy all fall because "the media doesn't respect them." In reality, the only group of individuals with a vested interest in ranking teams accurately each week are the members of the linesmaking fraternity.

By Stevie Cocksman

Despite my passionate love of college football, I’ve always had a strong aversion to boys throwing a football in the tailgate parking lot. First, those that primarily engage in it – eight to eighteen year old boys – are not by nature a considerate group.

I love politics.

There, I said it.

This is despite the fact that my own political career ended after my first year of law school when I wrecked Nashville congressman Jim Cooper's wife's Volvo. Then when Jim Cooper unexpectedly had colon cancer surgery, I, who was then working as his body man accompanying him to all events, took a trip to New York City to visit my then-girlfriend, now wife, without proper vacation authority. 

I was fired by the campaign manager. 

Now I make a living writing articles about hysterical buttchugging press conferences. 

It's clear that I'm the big winner here.  

Last week news broke that a University of Tennessee fraternity member had been hospitalized after he buttchugged wine.

Today the entire fraternity stood behind their attorney to deny the buttchugging allegation.

I'd like to pick my favorite part of this video, but the entire video is a complete comedy pyramid. The attorney really does deny that the alleged buttchugger is gay and they really did have the press conference in the center of campus.

The lecture to the media is priceless.

Actually, the entire press conference is outstanding.

Just watch.

Seriously, you must watch this.

In defense of Vandy

Written by: Lori Kelly

Vanderbilt’s position as the top academic institution in the SEC means that our reputation revolves more around libraries than parties. Yes, Vanderbilt students work hard. We had to. The school is packed with type A overachievers so things get competitive. But all of that stress has to have an outlet or students would be throwing themselves off parking garages regularly.

The Ten Commandments of the Gym

Written by: Hayley Frank

It’s been a while since I’ve publicly berated groups of individuals for making poor choices in social settings. I think the last time I climbed atop my soapbox was for an article I wrote about men’s footwear and how their shoe decisions drastically impact my everyday life. (In case you missed that one, here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Don’t wear CROCS if you enjoy female interaction in any form.)

For the past few months I’ve been bottling up my qualms with everyone’s gym attire, but I can’t let you people fly under the radar any longer. So I’m just gonna go ahead and set a few ground rules now before things get ugly around the bench press machine.   Author’s Note: All of the below rules are based upon actual encounters and experiences I’ve had at the gym. I’ve been silently observing from afar over the course of many months and, unable to suppress my indignation any longer, these commandments were born. Men: listen up. It would behoove you to take heed. I’m doing a lot of you a huge favor here, and I’m doing it purely out of the goodness of my heart (and also because I’m sick of looking at your black calf-socks while I'm trying to do crunches.) If any of you take offense to any of the below commandments, please take it up with the patrons of your local gym, as they are the real criminals here.

via OKTC courtroom reporter Peter Matthews III

Bama teabagger Brian Downing, whose trial was set to begin this morning, has reached a plea bargain, agreeing to plead guilty to lesser charges. Downing pleads guilty to one count of obscenity, one count of amended obscenity (reduced from a sexual battery charge) and now faces two years in prison served concurrently on both obscenity charges. Downing will be sentenced in 45 days, but Matthews reports that the setencing is a formality and that Downing will definitely be sent to jail for two years. (Presumably Downing could be released from prison early with good behavior, but I'm not sure what the reduction in time might look like).

Downing, who teabagged a passed out LSU fan in the Bourbon Street Krystal's in the wake of Alabama's BCS title game victory over LSU, faced ten years in prison if he was convicted of the sexual battery charge. So he's decided not to try his luck in front of a New Orleans jury.

Yesterday Downing's attorney said his client's defense would be that the was drunk and stupid. That defense wasn't likely to play well considering the lead prosecutor is a diehard LSU fan.

We'll have more from our reporter Peter Matthews III as this story develops, but in the meantime, wow on the prison time.

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