Alabama Slaughters Michigan: Big Ten Fan Excuse Time

Published on: September 01, 2012 | Written by: Clay Travis

Nick Saban's Alabama football team has been favored in every game since the SEC title game in 2009. You know, the game when Saban's Crimson Tide hordes made Tim Tebow cry. Coming into this game Michigan fans felt like they had a chance to pull off an upset. An upset that would go a long way towards validating last year's Wolverine renaissance and an upset that would be a powerful Big Ten uppercut to the SEC's run of dominance. Unfortunately for Michigan fans, my wife included, UM played the role of the mouse in a fight with a cobra.

After about ten minutes of football there wasn't any question about whether or not the Wolverines could pull off the upset, the only question was how badly would Alabama beat them?

Thirty-one points later, when the SEC chant broke out in Jerry's Dome with four minutes and thirty one seconds remaining in the second quarter, lots of Michigan fans were left wondering, why in the world did I make the trip all the way to Dallas?

Meanwhile, Big Ten fans were left in a familiar position, making excuses about why the total and complete domination of one of their top teams on the field isn't as total or as complete as you think.

No, you see, say misguided Big Ten fans, we're the equal of the top SEC teams.  

Only, you're not even close.

The Crimson Tide was so dominant that Alabama should be the number one team in the country.

Period.

So instead of writing a traditional column about Alabama's dominance, I decided to come up with a handy guide to Big Ten excuses for why Michigan lost to an SEC team.

Here goes with 14 Big Ten excuses, in honor of Alabama's "14" national titles:

1. It was too hot.

Except that we're indoors.

 

2. We were distracted by all the hot Alabama girls they kept showing on that massive jumbotron.

This is possible.

About midway through the second quarter I started rooting for the stoppages in play so I could watch the Jumbotron instead of the game. 

3. Jet lag.

Did Michigan fly in from Beirut?

4. Our best running back got a DUI.

If the rest of Michigan's football team had known the beating that was coming they would have gotten DUI's too.

5. Our coach's headset wasn't working.

Except he doesn't ever wear one.

Which explains the playcalling.

6. Alabama's defensive tackles are faster than our wide receivers!

That's true.

Alabama's defensive tackles also have a better throwing arm than your quarterback.

7. Harvey Updyke spiked our pregame gatorade with Ambien.

I wouldn't put it past him.

8. If this game was played in the snow, we'd have won.

No, you wouldn't have.

And based on how often he was on his back Denard Robinson would have died of frostbite.

9. Brady Hoke took the other side on Floyd Mayweather's $3 million bet.

There's potential validity here.

10. The unemployment rate is so bad in our states, our boosters can't pay enough to get the best players anymore.

Urban Meyer will take care of that.

11. At least our players can read.

Not defenses or offenses.

12. Alabama oversigns!

Whatever.

Nick Saban could have benched thirty players tonight and still beaten Michigan by double digits.

13. Our players were afraid of being teabagged and couldn't sleep last night.

Valid concern.

14. Alabama is an NFL team playing college football.

I think this is true.