All That and a Bag of Mail: Bama Comes Crashing Down

Published on: January 03, 2014 | Written by: Clay Travis

Last night Alabama lost to Oklahoma and the 85% went on a terror spree.

I don't think the Tide have any option right now other than firing Nick Saban.

The game's passed him by. 

Hell, I'm so old, I remember way back when Nick Saban used to be a decent coach. (All of these things are fun to write, but you know what makes them even better? There are members of the 85% gathering in the Wal Mart break room having this exact conversation right now).  

And this Bama fan?

Well, don't step to her Crimson Tide, she'll do a flying leap on your ass. 

Okay, on to the mailbag. 

Yes, that really happened.  

Lots of you on Twiter and email, what happens to AJ McCarron and Katherine Webb now?

They've now been together for a little over a year.

AJ enters the NFL Draft with an uncertain pro football future and the attention given to him is about to drop by 90% unless he somehow gets drafted by the Dallas Cowboys, wins the back-up job, and then Tony Romo gets knocked out for the season. 

Barring an outcome like this, the couple will now be pretty much left alone by the media. 

But here's the deal, as much as they've complained about the attention, don't you think it's what really keeps them together on some level? I do. 

If they can make it through the next year without people caring that they're actually together, I think they get married. But, just like every relationship between 22 year olds, the odds are not in their favor. 

Lots of you on Twitter and email:

"Who is actually going to get the Texas job?"

Given that Art Briles and Jim Mora are out of the mix -- assuming that their denials can be accepted as truthful, which I think they can -- you're now down to two known candidates, Charlie Strong and James Franklin and three potential candidates who have all received extensions, Jimbo Fisher, Gus Malzahn, and Mark Dantonio. 

I believe Strong and Franklin would both take the job if offered so that's your floor.

So the real question you're dealing with here is this -- would Fisher, Malzahn or Dantonio leave for Texas? And even if they would are these three guys clearly ranked above Franklin or Strong now? Because it seems pretty clear this your final group of candidates. It also seems likely that Fisher is Texas's top remaining choice of all these coaches. 

Let's dive back into the two guys we think would take the job; Franklin or Strong, which of these two would be the top choice if that's truly the final two options? My guess is that Franklin wowed Texas in the interview and that Strong was impressive, but just not as much so as James Franklin. 

So if I was ranking the most likely hires right now, I'd go:

1. Jimbo Fisher

2. James Franklin

3. Charlie Strong

We'll see. 

This search has already been about as entertaining as any job search I can remember in a long time. 

You want more chaos? And I know all of you do. 

If Jimbo Fisher takes the Texas job then Florida State opens up. That's FSU with a returning Heisman quarterback. That's an extraordinary job too. 

And we haven't even gotten into Penn State, where I think James Franklin is a top candidate as well. 

In fact, James Franklin may be the new Jon Gruden, he's been connected to every NFL job opening too. 

Jacob W. writes:

"I'm 25, a college graduate, and have a great job in medical sales. I want a ps4 but my wife says I'm too old. How old is too old to play video games?"

The average video game player is a decade older than you. 

I'm not even joking about this. 

So your wife is completely wrong here about you being too old.

The bigger issue here is that your wife wants you to grow up.  But most men never really grow up. There's a reason that a 14 year old boy and a 54 year old man often have similar senses of humor. So she's going to be disappointed in you for a long time to come. (And, no, she's not going to suddenly like to play "Call of Duty," or "Madden," with you. And no, she's also not going to play topless and suddenly be amazed by your dextrous execution of a enemy combatant and sleep with you while you still play "Call of Duty," and keep killing people. This is your ultimate fantasy. Do. Not. Share. This. With. Her.) 

We just bought the new Xbox for my son and I'm playing it a bit with him now. That's an easy excuse, have a kid and you can play video games with him for another twenty years. But just a warning, he's going to beat your ass at those games because he or she will understand technology better than you.

My five and three year olds can use their iPads -- yes, they both have one, we're awful parents, but have you driven a long way in a car before with a kid? -- like the circuitry is already hard-wired into their brain.

Which it probably is. Or will be soon.  

Carter S. writes:

"So about three months ago one night out in Auburn my buddy introduced me to his girlfriend's roommate. One thing led to another and we are now dating. Over the last three months I have come to realize that my buddies girlfriend is BAT SHIT CRAZY. I have never met a girl more crazy than this. She yells and throws things and he actually doesn't do anything wrong yet he always tells her sorry. My issue here is he doesn't see how crazy she is, like he jokes that she is but he is still with her and bends over backwards for her. He brings her flowers weekly, bagels, food you name it he has brought it to her and she is never thankful. How do I get my buddy away from this crazy girl so he is fun again while keeping my girlfriend? Or is it a lost cause at this point?"

It's a lost cause. 

And every guy who is reading this right now has been in this situation. 

If you try and fight the crazy girl it somehow makes their relationship stronger because she will find out that you think she's crazy and increase her sexual skills in an effort to sway him against you. 

This will work. 

So you can try and drop hints that she's crazy, but you don't want to create a rift between you and your buddy. You want to be there when he comes to you one day and says, "Why didn't you tell me how crazy she was?"

The answer's simple, because you wouldn't listen even if I had. 

At some point this will happen. Hopefully it happens soon and not on their wedding night when she threatens to push him off the balcony for "dancing too long with your mom."

Also, women tend to moderate on the crazy as they age. A collection of 18-21 year old girls is basically an insane asylum. (Partly because they're all trying to psychoanalyze 18-21 year old men, which is about as effective as psychoanalyzing a two-by-four. We help make them crazy). Tread carefully. (Otherwise, your buddy is going to be married to the woman who dropkicks Oklahoma students at the Sugar Bowl). 

patc1179@hotmail.com writes:

"Learn how to do research before you write garbage..you seriously are the worst writer I've ever read ....your a joke haha ..stop writing your an idiot."

Two things:

1. I don't always get hatemail, but when I do, it's almost always from hotmail accounts. 

2. If you ever write something like "your a joke," and then follow it up with the sound of your own laughter, you shouldn't be allowed to procreate. This should be a rule. 

Daniel G. writes:

"I know you are against the jersey wearing at games, but at the Tennessee-Auburn game this season, I saw some VERY attractive Auburn girls at the game in jerseys. So my question is, if you are a very attractive girl, is it ok to wear a jersey to a game."

Yes. 

Because all ordinary rules of life do not apply to very attractive girls. 

Michael S. writes:

"How many dads with preschoolers were heartbroken about the departure of Kelly from "The Sunny Side Up Show" last month? I know the channel still has Nina on "The Goodnight Show," but I fell into the Kelly camp. If Kelly had stayed longer would the debate of "Nina or Kelly" resemble the "Ginger or Marianne" choice our fathers mulled over during the run of "Gilligan's Island?" Perky, girl-next-door Kelly or the alluring, late-night Nina?" 

You know you're a parent because the "alluring late-night Nina," comes on at six at night. This is like midnight parent time. That's because there is nothing you can do that makes time pass slower than watching children. (Unless it's watching other people's children.)

When I'm in charge of both boys I inevitably do a poor job of parenting. I know none of the rules and both boys are smart enough to take advantage of this fact. 

But the clock moves so slow.

I try not to look at the clock and root for bed time, but I'll wrestle with the boys, and build a block castle, and go find their light sabers and let them pretend to fight me while I'm Darth Vader -- my three year old always wants to be Anakin from Episode 2, before he becomes a bad guy -- and we'll have done all this and somehow only nine minutes have passed.

In my head I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me, nine minutes? Nine f'ing minutes! How is it possible that we just did all this?" 

If you don't have kids yet, then this is what you've got to look forward to -- some parent somewhere obsessively updates the cast and crew of "The Sunny Side Up Show" on Wikipedia.

Kevin, portrayed by Kevin Yamada, was an original host of The Sunny Side Up Show. Kevin joined Chica and Kelly as hosts, and the birthday cards and crawl of viewers' names became features of the new program. Kevin's last appearance on the show was on December 25, 2009, where he explained his impending departure from the show by telling viewers that he was moving away to the great big city and not playing with Chica in the Sunshine Barn anymore. he still plays the character of Ricky on the daily Sprout Sharing Show; his Sunny Side Up hosting duties were assumed by new host Dennisha Pratt on December 31, 2009. It is unknown why.[3]
Liz, portrayed by Liz Filios, joined the show on November 1, 2010 and left the show June 1, 2012 to explore the world

Sean, portrayed by Sean Roach, was a host of The Sunny Side Up Show since it began in 2007. His last appearance on the show was December 13, 2013. He left to focus more on his art. He continues to host Noodle and Doodle.

Kelly, portrayed by Kelly Vrooman, left the show on December 20, 2013, she continues to star in The Chica Show while also voicing the character of Patty on the daily Sprout Sharing Show

Nina, is portrayed by Michele Lepe is the current host of The [Good Night Show] she also makes occasional appearances on the [Sunny Side Up Show]

Patty is one of the three hosts on The [Sprout Sharing Show] she is portrayed by Kelly Vrooman decorated to be a pig she makes occasional appearances on The [Sunny Side Up Show]

Miller H. writes:

"Clay,
Theoretically if Phil Fulmer, David Cutcliffe, and John Chavis would’ve stayed together and remained at Tennessee what kind of success would you imagine them having right now? Especially with the likes of Tajh Bohd and Bryce Petty who were going to go to UT. Also, is this the greatest staff ever assembled? I mean, it has to be right? Fulmer has one of the greatest winning percentages of all time, including a national championship. Cutcliffe just got Coach of the Year, and Chavis has LSU as a top defense nationally every year. What do you think?"

It's not the greatest staff ever assembled, but it's pretty damn close. 

If Cutcliffe doesn't get the Duke job -- and doesn't ever leave to take another job -- I think it's reasonable to assume that Fulmer, Cutcliffe, and Chavis keep winning at around the same rate they won when they were all three together. 

In the six years they coached together this trio was 63-13.

Given that the Vols would have had Bryce Petty and Tajh Boyd being coached by David Cutcliffe and that Chavis's UT defense was always stellar, I think it's fair to say that instead of winning 43 percent of their games over the past six years, that UT probably wins at least 70%. So instead of going 33-41, we're talking about the Vols going 50-21.  

And that might be low. 

But at a bare minimum, Cutcliffe staying at UT would have been worth 18 more wins over the past six years for Tennessee. 

,,,

Since I know you guys love watching me get lit up, here's Charissa Thompson coming off the top rope on last night's bowl picks segment.