All That and a Bag of Mail: Bama Fans React to Latest Title Edition

Published on: November 01, 2013 | Written by: Clay Travis

Yes, that tattoo is skeleton Bear Bryant rising from the grave.

Thanks to Jill Cummings for passing it along. 

Bama fans continue to amaze. 

Because who even thinks to get a skeleton Bear Bryant rising from the grave?

I'll tell you, a Bama fan. Just like the Manhattan Project worked because we gathered the smartest people together and the intelligence rubbed off on everyone, Bama fandom is the complete opposite. The dumb infects everyone.

It's time for the mailbag. 

And rather than pretend that we need a grand introduction here, let's just roll straight into emails that you aren't going to believe were sent by real people with Internet access. But, amazingly, they're all real. I just wish I had a team of investigators to track down pictures of all of these emailers to put alongside their emails. 

Can you imagine how outstanding this would be?

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is 26 year old Chris Chiappetta, an Alabama fan substitute teacher, who was accused of passing out in the classroom while on heroin. 

Asked for his comment on the charges, this Bama fan had just two words. 

Enjoy the video. 

 

 

 

It's rare that your entire argument on which fan base is the dumbest in the country can be crystallized with a video in the same week that you made the case, but it really happened here. 

The timing could not be any better. 

On to the Alabama mailbag. 

Roll Tide. 

David P. writes:

"Great job on the Alabama article, we love National Championships, no matter what they are in. I was a Varsity Cheerleader at Alabama for 4 years and cannot begin to remember some of the things I encountered there. That entire place is so backwards w/ the racism, culture, technology, etc. it was like going back in time. I have hundreds of stories about the crazies, that 85% you speak of, but I wanted to share my favorite with you.

One Saturday we are on the sideline preparing for the game and this 300 pound woman wearing an old Bama t-shirt walks up to me with a plastic Gameday cup. She hands it to me and of course I take it being a nice guy, and not knowing what else to do. She then proceeds to tell me that it is full of her husband's ashes and that his final wish was to be spread on the field with the Tide.

Of course I am in shock and have no clue what to do at this point so I walk over to the edge of the field and dump out the cup. Not having done this before, I just dump the entire cup into one pile which mounts to about 4-5 inches in height. I am now looking at the very large lady dumbfounded b/c there is a mound of ashes on the field. She also looks pretty confused about this so I decide to kick it around with my shoe to spread it out. That seemed to please her and she left with a large smile on her face.

Just one of the delights being an Alabama cheerleader, I can't wait til the day someone kicks my ashes around that field surrounded by the glory of our then 37 National Titles. Roll Tide you gay Muslim!"

I'd like to say I'm amazed, but it's to the point where there's nothing that an Alabama fan can do to surprise me. 

Nothing. 

While I was inundated with Bama fan hate mail from the 85%, I was also deluged with praise from the 15%. 

But I know y'all want the hate. 

Buckle up because here we go. 

Robert Parker writes:

"You're a complete nimrod and I sincerely hope you rot in Hell!!!!!!!!!!! You have absolutely NO clue what your talking about!!!!!!!!! You're a joke and a tool!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep right on hating and Alabama will just keep winning titles, BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will personally kick your retarded ass if I ever have the displeasure of meeting you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're nothing but an ignorant, arrogant, pompous asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, show up on my doorstep and allow me to show you just how smart you really aren't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're a spineless, gutless coward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I F'ING DARE YOU TO TRY SAYING ANY OF THAT TO ME AND LET'S SEE HOW FAST YOUR IDIOTIC ASS HITS THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Moving right along. 

Mike Rice writes:

"How much do you pay to keep this web site running so you can write your crap? I know your not paid so your writing doesn't even matter. Hopefully you can now graduate high school and you can tell everyone you were the school web site editor. I am sure your dad is ashamed he had to pay for the web site just so you could have a place to write. Your a sad pathetic person who can only spout out garbage via the keyboard."

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my dad for paying for Outkick's website so I have a place to write. 

Robert Patrick McKeever writes:

"Clay Travis has to be one of the Dumbest Muther fuckers in the whole world to call out us Bama Fans like this! I'd kick your Ass on site! My brother and Mom went to Alabama and how dare you insult my mom you slimmey basturd! deans List even and who are you??? just some fool that does not know any better! who ever told you that any Publicity is better than no Publicity just caused you to have to have many Bodyguards from now on! I think your just BUTT HURT though! it sure as hell sounds like it! I thought better of Fox than this! enjoy your last days of workin for them fool!"

It is true, mother should be spelled with a u. 

It would make so much more sense.

The eight most frequent Alabama emailer comments:

1. Your gay

It never gets old.

I pledge to you, the next book I write is just going to be titled, "Your Gay."

2. I am "butt hurt" often capitalized as BUTT HURT, BUTTHURT, BUTHURT or BUTHURT

I'm assuming this is merely a derivation of a gay insult, implying that my butt hurts from the overwhelming amount of gay sex I am having. 

Seriously, the gay sex obession among dumb Southerners is overwhelming. 

3. Your mom and dad raised you wrong. 

Also, in related insults, my mom is a whore and my dad is also my cousin/brother/assorted other familial relation. 

4. I am smart therefore Bama fans can't all be dumb and therefore you are wrong about Bama fans being dumb. 

This is unbelievable.

Primarily because I specifically said 15% of the fan base was not included in the insults.  

Also, if you you email a complete stranger your academic credentials, you are not smart. Seriously, you just aren't. You may have a degree, but you are still an unselfaware idiot. 

5. Your jealous!

Yes, incredibly so. 

If only I could live in a doublewide and collect unemployment checks while rooting for a football team to win.

Newsflash, I could become a Bama fan tomorrow, just like you did.

You haven't done anything to make me jealous.  

6. Kiss the rings.

Seriously, the number of Bama fans who use this as an all purpose insult is astounding.

YOU DON"T HAVE ANY RINGS TO KISS.

That's like me saying, "Step into my oval office in the White House," because the guy I supported for President won the election.

7. You are racist. 

White people calling you racist because you made fun of their favorite football team is extraordinarily funny. 

Should we call Al Sharpton. 

8. Outkick the Coverage MUST FIRE CLAY TRAVIS. 

These never get old. 

Anyway, these are the broad frameworks of the emails I received.

Now we continue.  

Scottjohnson.projectmanager@yahoo.com writes:

"I just watched your segment on Fox.... you know, the one where you call ALL Alabama fans dumb (over and over and over).
I'm an Alabama fan. I'm an Alabama alumn. I have a Master's Degree in Aerospace Engineering from the University of Alabama. I work as a Senior Engineer at the George C. Marshall Space Flight Center on Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville, Alabama.

I'm not dumb.

Watching you, on television, call me dumb over and over again was upsetting (what did I ever do to you?).

You don't know me - what makes you think that I'm dumb? - I suspect personal bias.

In fact, I believe that you're a frustrated UT fan who is using his job as a personal platform from which to launch attacks on Alabama fans based upon said bias.

Apparently, your mother raised you to think it's acceptable to unilaterally condemn a group of people based upon the actions of a select few (you're akin to a racist, or an anti-semite). Your mother had a responsibility to raise you as a productive, upstanding member of society and she failed. Shame on her.

If you'll notice (if you're capable), I managed to express my opinion without casting aspersions at you. If I were a bitter, small man, such as yourself, I could make the following statement about you: "You're a failed attorney, and at present, a failing journalist as you are clearly biased, and somewhat technically inept. Keep up the good work, you lower tier hack!".

Shame on you. Is this this hatefulness the type of behavior you would like to see in your children?

ROLL TIDE"

Even NASA engineers can be infected with Bama fan stupidity. 

This was my email response to brianjohnson.projectmanager@yahoo.com

"If your free Yahoo email address has the word "project manager," included in it, your deep seated insecurities are readily apparent to everyone from the moment they receive any email from you.

Emailing total strangers your educational credentials is just further confirmation of those insecurities.

I'm sorry you're so insecure,

Clay

P.S.

ROLL NASA!

alyssasgranny@gmail.com writes:

"your an ass"

That was the entire email. 

John Heitter writes:

"I started reading and before getting through even two schools (not even schools I care for) I thought, not only is this ridiculous writing, but this person sounds angry, hate filled and miserable. Then I looked you up and I see you're a gay reporter for Fox. Now I understand. Sorry about your life, man. You should find some more friendly people to hang around and seek happiness."

You can't slip anything past John's research skills. 

He's the Sherlock Holmes of the world wide web. 

Alvin Bess writes:

"problem with your Yankee comment is that is based on getting your ass beat year after year and not fact. Many fans of other schools have commented on ho great the Alabama game was compared to thier school. Class is not taught in Yankee text books and will never over come Southern Pride"

When I read emails like this, I see why we lost the Civil War. 

I like to picture this guy at the exact moment he finished this message. 

Did he lean back from his computer with a smug and satisfied look on his face? Give himself an electronic fist pound? 

"Nailed it! Go to hell, Yankee!" 

Mac Hollie writes:

"CLAY TRAVIS IS A FREAKING IDIOTS"

Moments later he replied with a newer Facebook message. 

"I'M SORRY A FREAKING IDIOT"

Gotcha. 

A Bama fan emails a top ten list: (including this phone number which y'all are welcome to try 256-876-9845):

"10 biggest ass wipes

#1 YOU
#2 You Again
#3 Still you
#4 You still ass wipe"

Then it inexplicably stopped at four, leaving me uncertain who is numbers 5-10 on his 10 biggest ass wipes countdown. 

Presumably his dial up Internet crashed before he could complete his own top ten list. 

I'm torn on which email I like the most, but this one is up there. 

Mike Foley writes:

"I'm a Bama idiot. A Bachelors Degree, a Masters and a Doctoral Candidate but I guess I'm still not as smart ass some UT blogger......."

I think you meant as. 

And if this guy gets a doctorate, American education loses. 

Dewayne Guyton writes:

"This article is more than offensive. It shows the blatant stupidity and hatred people have for others over a stupid game! Your article did nothing more than expose your own idiocy with this ridiculously biased, opinionated, profanity laced spew of emotions. It's one thing to be a fan and to have rivals but this is just ignorant, white trash and redneck. I don't hate you. I feel sorry for you that the only way you feel you can get a reader base is to write complete garbage like this. I promise you one thing, you have LOST a lot of readers due to your blatant stupidity."

Yep, Outkick is finished .

No one will ever come here again.  

Jim writes:

"Your blog is kind of funny considering your a sports writer and your school has NEVER won a national title,,,,now that funny, what the hell do you know about sports other than watching the Kentuckys and the Alabamas,,,,,dumdass commode, I mean commodore"

Jim is totally forgetting the Vanderbilt's women's bowling national title. 

Major points for the commode reference, however.

If he'd paired by turning Vandy into Candy, it would be his most successful email to me since he called me butthurt.  

Dr. Russ Fine writes:

"Comment: Re: Dumbest Fans column. When one is intellectually unable to attack the message, in this example, Coach Sabin and his stellar football team's success, one inevitably attacks the messenger(s), in this case, the most loyal fan base in collegiate football. The "one" to whom I refer is Mr. Clay Travis - who has exposed his intellectual inferiority. Clay, this sort of attack is known as an
ad hominem attack. I have defined it for you because by your writing(s) it is clear your IQ is somewhere in the neighborhood of room temperature and you haven't a clue what is meant by those big Latin words Does your Mother know what you do for a living? She would be ashamed and you certainly ought to be. Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arm pits, groin and auditory canals as your penance. Personal generalized attacks on my brothers and sisters in the Alabama Nation are out of line and unbecoming a person who self identifies as a columnist. In closing, please try to learn one lesson - if none other - as you continue to experience life: Nothing is better than being underestimated, so "we thank you." My fellow Alabama fans and I will smile in bemusement as we remember this column, when Coach Sabin raises The Crystal Coaches Trophy, once again, this coming January. ROLL TIDE !"

You'd think a huge Bama fan with an MD would be able to spell Nick Saban's last name correctly. 

You'd be wrong. 

MP writes:

"After one particularly disturbing gameday in Tuscaloosa, my wife and I actually discussed if it would be better if we lost Saban and started losing some games to run off some of the sidewalk alums. That's how bad it's become in Tuscaloosa. Listen, we both have two degrees from Alabama. We have season tickets in the scholarship club. We love our alma mater and have enjoyed this run of success; but Saban has made the fan base "situation" so much worse. Dare I say it was more fun to go to games during the Dubose era? We actually enjoy going to basketball games more than football games these days. As you might expect, most of our "fans" can't locate Coleman Collesuem on a map.

My question for you is this: what can the alumni base do to address this problem? We raise ticket prices, and they take out third mortgages. We ridicule them, and they snap back that we're not real fans because we give our children nice, regular names like Adam and Mary instead of Saban and Crymsyn. I'm afraid we've lost the battle to control the fan base."

You've lost the battle, there's no doubt. 

Condolences to the 15%. 

And for everyone else, keep in mind these are the Alabama fans with Internet access. 

These are the most intelligent of the 85%. 

Roll Tide.