All That and a Bag of Mail: Kim Jong Un Hates Austin Edition

Published on: March 29, 2013 | Written by: Clay Travis

Happy Easter, sinners.

It's Good Friday which means lots of you slackers are off today and already planning how you're going to spend the evening. Hell, lots of you aren't even awake yet which means you're going to find out from the mailbag that North Korea is going to attack us.

Given that we might get wiped out by North Korea soon, it's important to keep our spirits up.

How.

With Kliff F'ing Kingsbury rapping along with Biggie at Texas Tech practice.

He also asks a player who is wearing all black whether he's murdered out.

I'm just going to assume they cut the part of the practice where Kingsbury views film from his jacuzzi with the Texas Tech dance team.

The first minute of this video is all you need to watch to confirm that every married woman in Lubbock is already working on leaving her husband for Kingsbury. 

Also, many of the husbands are also plotting on how to leave their wives for Kingsbury too. Remember, it's not gay if it's Kliff Kingsbury. (I expect to see this phrase footnoted in the Supreme Court's upcoming analysis of gay marriage).  

On to the mailbag:

Wes. C. writes:

"In light of this morning's news of Kim Jong Un targeting US cities to attack -- we found out that his list is Hawaii, Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, and Austin, Texas -- what's Kim Jong Un's beef with Austin, TX?"
 
There are so many Longhorn Network jokes here. Is LHN available in North Korea? If so, this explains why Austin is on the list.  
 
Austin, Texas being on this list is fabulous. Not because I want Austin to be attacked by North Korea, but just because it confirms that North Korea is completely and totally crazy.
 
Austin!
 
It would be the perfect end to Mack Brown's tenure if the University of Texas's practice facility got blown up by North Korea.
 
But you know where North Korea's missile is going to hit Austin though, don't you?
 
VY's steak house.
 
100% Vince Young's steak house is getting hit.
 
Do you think ESPN execs thought to write a provision into the Longhorn Network contract that they don't have to rebuild the station in the event of a foreign national attack on the network? Are ESPN execs actually rooting for North Korea to attack Austin so they can get out of the Longhorn Network contract? Hell, are we even certain that ESPN isn't working in cahoots with Kim Jong Un to get Austin added to the strike list?
 
Only one man can save us all now:
 
Les Miles, negotiator.  

Matt J. writes:

"Hey Clay- Love the site. My question- Could one loaded M1-Abrams tank defeat either army at Gettysburg? Assume it is fully loaded? How could it not? It would take out the artillery first- plus I doubt cannonballs even with a direct hit could stop it. Even it ran out of ammo- it could run over troops if they haven't surrendered."

When I was 12 or 13 I read a book called, "The Guns of the South." The entire premise of the book was what if time-traveling South Africans came back in time and brought Robert E. Lee and the Army of Northern Virginia Ak-47s.

Seriously, this book exists.

And clearly, I was a very, very cool 13 year old to be reading this. Four years later I went to Civil War sleepaway camp at Gettysburg. In case you are wondering, there were girls at Civil War sleepaway camp. I know this will come as a big shocker, but there was no sex. 

Or kissing. 

Or really much talking to girls at all.  

So, anyway, here's the cover of that book, Robert E. Lee standing on the porch holding an AK-47. Which is basically every Southern NRA member's wet dream brought to life.

Book spoiler alert, the South won the Civil War with AK-47s.

But what would happen if there was one tank at Gettysburg?

For instance, what if instead of Pickett's Charge, General Lee had just turned a tank loose across the one mile of open terrain? Even with the ridiculous artillery barrage across a mile of treeless expanse, could the tank get stopped by 1860's era cannons and munitions fire? I don't think so. I think the tank would have rolled right over the center of the line and crushed the North.

So I don't think there's any doubt that whichever side got the tank would win the Civil War. Remember how terrified everyone was of the Monitor and the Merrimac? And they were just boats with iron sides. They weren't a modern technological marvel. The only issue I can see is this, how do you refuel the tank? (For purposes of this hypothesis, we'll presume that fuel exists somewhere in the country -- even though it hasn't yet been discovered -- and you don't only have one tank full of gas.)

Because you'd have to exit the tank to refuel, right? And then you'd get shot.

That's when the tank would become valueless.

I'd actually like to hear a better tank expert -- who also happens to be a Civil War nerd like me -- break down the tank vs. a Civil War army question better.

Michael G. writes:

"If you had to move out of Tennessee and relinquish your SEC fandom where would you move instead and what team/conference would you follow instead? Feel free to weigh football vs other sports, comparative
weakness of teams, climate, whatever you feel is necessary to make your change."

The only place in the country I would live outside of the South is the west. I like California quite a bit. And Arizona seems pretty cool. (I've also lived in Washington, D.C. so I'd be fine with that too, but I'm not sure if that counts as living outside the South).

So those are the only places I think we'd live outside the South.

If we were living in the west, I'd be tempted to root for Oregon because they're so awesome right now and they actually have a great fanbase. So they'd be my Pac 12 team, but I'd feel pretty trendy jumping on the Duck bandwagon at the height of their program's success. I kind of root for Michigan a bit anyway because my wife is a Michigan grad, but I'd find it pretty hard to become a legit Big Ten fan.

So I'd probably pick a Southern ACC team, either Florida State, North Carolina, Clemson, Virginia, or Virginia Tech. (Georgia Tech fans are pretty awful so they're out). This means I'd probably become an ACC fan too. I almost went to Virginia for college and I applied to several North Carolina schools as well so I think my choices would come down to Virginia, North Carolina, or Florida State. FSU has some appeal because I could still hate the Gators, but I think I'd probably end up becoming a UNC fan because I think it would be a pretty good cultural fit. 

This is a good question though.   

Is there a team that y'all think I'd fit in better? Being a free agent fan has some appeal, you can actually make a calculated decision on who to root for as opposed to ending up a fan before you ever made a conscious decision to be one.

Bubby T. writes:

"Being a Florida fan, seeing Patric Young's size and strength on a basketball court is unbelievable. While watching I can't help but wonder -- is there anyone, outside of a professional/ trained fighter, that can beat this guy in a fight? Then immediately I think of Jadaveon Clowney. So since Clowney is a superhuman athlete, and you've said that basketball players are the best athletes, who wins in a fight between Patric Young and Jadaveon Clowney? And if Patric Young can't stop him (which I don't think he can) is there anyone who can beat up Clowney?"

I was thinking about this during the Heat-Bulls game two nights ago when LeBron actually got mad.

Can you imagine what LeBron James could do to someone if he'd been trained as a boxer from youth?

Would LeBron be the greatest heavyweight fighter of all time?

I think he would.

I was also, ridiculously, thinking about Lebron during the US-Mexico soccer game Tuesday night. Would LeBron be the greatest goalie of all time if he'd played soccer since he was a kid? I mean, with his reflexes, reach, and hands, how could you get a ball past him? I think it would be almost impossible. The only thing we don't know for sure is whether or not LeBron has a strong leg -- that is, could he bomb goal kicks to the other end of the field and whatnot? I have no idea on this, but just in terms of blocking shots, could LeBron play pro soccer after a year of intensive goalie training?

I think he could. 

Anyway, back to answer your question, clearly any heavyweight boxer or highly trained MMA fighter could beat up Clowney or Young. You don't want to mess with a person who has been trained in how to throw a punch or choke you out. 

They win.  

Ben T.

"Your hot TV moms bracket ends with Brody's wife on Homeland.

That's it."

I think Sofia Vergara will give her a run, but you're right, Brody's wife is almost impossible to beat. That makes me wonder whether we should insist that our hot TV moms actually be moms in real life. Because there are lots of non-moms who played moms on TV.

That seems like cheating.

Happy Easter.

And godspeed when North Korea kills us all.