All that and a bag of mail: Ladies Edition

Published on: January 10, 2013 | Written by: Lori Kelly

Every Friday, Clay answers your questions about sports and hot women. (You can read his latest mailbag here.) But Clay's knowledge about hot women is limited because he's not one. That's why OKTC is bringing you a weekly female voice. Hayley Frank and I will be taking turns answering your most important questions. We specialize in dating advice, tailgating, grooming etiquette, what to get your wife for her birthday, and top ten lists of the best (looking) NFL quarterbacks.

Ryan G asks: Clay is hilarious when writing with a thought process, how about his wit spur of the moment?

This will surprise no one, but 90% of my conversations with Clay are about strippers or fake boobs. He's well versed on these topics. For example, we once had a conversation where he defended implants as not being fake because no one says that knee replacements are fake knees. This, of course, totally ignores the fact that knees are fundamental but a girl rarely needs gravity defying full Ds to function properly. But he does have a point; silicone breasts are still real. They are just a different variety of breast. And Clay Travis is leading the movement to end implant discrimination. 

I realize that none of this answers your question but didn't you learn something? 

Andrew L asks: what is the worst and best pickup line you have ever heard?

For me, there is no such thing as a best pickup line, but Hayley likes to be sniffed.

Worst pickup lines do exist though. When I was in college, an older guy approached me on campus and said, I'm a plastic surgery resident and there's almost nothing I would change about you.

It's unclear what the desired response to this comment was... Thank you! A doctor? Do you have any, like, surgeries right now or do you want to hook up in my dorm room? Was I supposed to ask him what he would change so he could point out my flaws? Was this a novel method of generating new business? Regardless, I'm positive he did not get the answer he was looking for since my response was that he would look better with his original hairline. 

Mike T asks: If you both are stranded on a desert island with Clay, who "wins" his affection?

HAYLEY. HAYLEY DOES. 

All jokes aside, the answer is whoever runs the slowest. 

This question reminds me of the repopulating the earth fantasy draft. You know, where you have to pick 5 people you would want to reproduce with to save mankind. That question only works for men because they just pick the hottest women. And they don't have to give birth. Picking men based on fame and attractiveness and then repopulating the earth with no doctors? No thanks. Besides, we all know how this worked out for Eve, who is the reason we aren't frolicking in the Garden of Eden. You aren't hanging that shit on me. 

HOWEVER, if I had to choose: an obstetrician, an anesthesiologist, a cook, a carpenter and a fabulous gay man to do my hair. Because you know what's sexy? A man with a purpose. Preferably one that comes in handy for me, the woman charged with repopulating the earth. 

Andy C asks: Can I buy you a bbq sandwich?

Yes you can. You're probably really busy so don't worry about bringing it over yourself. Just have it delivered to my house in an hour.