All That and a Bag of Mail: Saban to Texas Edition

Published on: September 20, 2013 | Written by: Clay Travis

Okay, it's Friday mailbag time.

And y'all have sent me so many spectacular emails this week that I think we have enough for the rest of the month.

So let's go ahead and dive right in.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is whichever idiot got Rocky Top tattooed on his side. Judging from the infection that appears to have set in, he might now be dead.

On to the mailbag.  

Y'all sent me so many Nick Saban to Texas emails and Tweets that I could barely keep up.  

I've picked the one that sums up the question the best:

Branden W. writes:

"With the Saban to Texas news what if a bidding war were to happen between Texas and Alabama over Saban?  I've given enough to Alabama thru years of tuition but I'd certainly pony up some cash. The state of Texas could most certainly come up with more money but people in Alabama are crazy. Would people sell their house? Pets? Kids? Where does it stop? Harvey Updyke poisoned trees over a meaningless loss to Auburn. Would people die?"

I think people would certainly die. 

I'm not sure exactly how they'd die -- bar fights, drinking too much to deal with Saban's departure, domestic assaults brought on by Saban leaving, potential murder of Texas fans who happen to live in the state of Alabama -- but if Nick Saban left Alabama, I'd put the over/under for deaths resulting from Saban's departure at five. (This excludes all suicides which would probably be much higher than five).

I asked this question on Twitter, but it's one I would love to know the answer to -- namely, how much is too much for Texas or Alabama to pay Saban?

Let's say that Nick Saban made his decision completely about money. 

And he said, okay, whoever gives me the most money gets me. 

What dollar figure would cause either Texas or Alabama to push back from the table and relent? Clearly ten million dollars a year is easily reachable by both. What about fifteen million? Twenty million? Would a rich Texas booster offer Saban oil fields? Could the Alabama legislature enact a law that reimburses all Saban's taxes for the rest of his life so his take home pay is better?

What's too much to pay Saban to coach football?

After all, Saban's basically an entertainer, right? And he's the unquestioned best at what he does. If Judge Judy can make $50 million a year, Matt Lauer can make $25 million for the Today show, and Jim Rome can make over $20 million, is it really that ridiculous for Saban to make in the neighborhood of $15 or $20 million a year?

Hell, what's a national title worth to Texas? Because you know Saban would win at least one in the next five years. Probably more than one. 

I'm a markets guy so this would fascinate me, what would a public auction of Nick Saban as a football coach bring on the open market? (Also, would Congress get involved since football teams are ostensibly "non-profits?") If Texas and Alabama really started bidding against each other, I might be able to retire just off the money I'd make from this thing. 

Please let the bidding war happen.

Please.  

Ben W. writes:

"During the 2009 Masters, one of my buddies had a long night out before he went to Fridays round.  Due to the length of the bathroom lines (anyone who's been knows how bad they are) and the unrelenting force of his bowels he succumbed to what is known as s----ing your pants. He did not "shart", this was the real deal.  

My question: is there a worst sports venue for this to happen to a person?  Where does this rank?  I believe the prestige of Augusta National and the pompous attitude makes it the worst place to soil oneself.

BTW he had to stay for the entire round because he took a shuttle with a big group.  Ended up sitting by a fence the whole day until he had to leave. Walked out in a trash bag and a small child asked "if he had an accident."
 
I think the Masters would be the worst sporting event to crap yourself. 
 
No doubt.
 
And then your buddy had to sit by a fence all day in the same clothes? Couldn't he have taken a cab back to his hotel? You can't sit in your own feces all day unless you're completely and totally insane. Honestly, I would have gone straight to the Masters gift shop, bought an entirely new outfit -- Masters head to toe! -- and just thrown everything else away. 
 
When you saw your buddy in his new clothes and started making fun of him about going all in on Masters clothes head to toe would there be a funnier line in your friendship's history than him responding,
"I s--- myself, asshole, go f--- yourself."
 
Sure, everyone can smell you in the gift shop, but what other option do you have? I'm sure he didn't take the pants back home with him. Just buy new clothes and s--- and rally.  
 
Also, if you're really going to s--- yourself don't you deserve the right to cut in line? I realize that you're drawing a ton of attention to yourself if you sprint past the line and you're like, "Guys, I'm totally going to s--- myself, can I cut in line? Please?"
 
But if it's accurate, who says no to that?
 
I've let people cut in long lines for excuses much less serious than this. 
 
As excuses go, haven't we all been there when we've had to go to the bathroom really bad?
 
This doesn't even get into a really tough moral dilemma, if you know you're about to s--- yourself at the Masters is it preferable to s--- yourself or go into the pine trees, drop your pants and try to s--- under the trees. On the positive side, you don't crap all over your clothes, on the negative side, you might get arrested for indecent exposure. 
 
Honestly, you're welcome for coming up with the weekend bar debate of all bar debates. 
 
I have no idea what the appropriate decision would be in this case. 
 
Doug W. writes:

"With the breakup of McCarron and Katherine Webb, what are the odds we see Webb end up with Johnny Manziel? It seems as if she would opt for a real QB, rather than just a love manager."
 
AJ seems kind of emotional to me.
 
Manziel does not seem emotional.
 
So what if A&M's secret weapon in a BCS title game rematch was Manziel starting to "date" Katherine Webb? You know AJ would get asked about it by the media and he'd definitely crack at some point and start crying. Nick Saban then being asked about his quarterback's mental state over Manziel now dating Webb would throw everything all to hell. Can you imagine how much this would piss Saban off? Manziel starting to date Webb would be the second greatest story that could happen for Outkick.  
 
I mean, let's be honest, A&M's defense is pretty awful. Johnny Manziel dating Katherine Webb might be the best defensive gameplan A&M can come up with. 
 
We got tons of Katherine Webb and AJ questions. Here's another.
 
Phillip F. writes:
 
"Okay. Let's say you're an SEC QB who is going to be playing Bama. A couple days before the big showdown with McCarron and co. you get the opportunity of a lifetime. You can choose to either hook up with A) Katherine Webb or B) Dee Dee Bonner, knowing that McCarron won't find until the morning of gameday. Which do you choose? Obviously both would be ideal, but I just don't know which would piss off McCarron and mess with his head more. My gut says Bonner but my head says Webb. Just curious as to who you would pick if this amazing opportunity arose." 
 
Rumors that LeBron's mom was sleeping with a teammate torpedoed the last year of the Cavs playoff run. 
 
So I think you have to go mom here. (Johnny Manziel would definitely go both, by the way.) 
 
There's one caveat though, did Webb break up with McCarron or vice versa? If AJ broke up with her this would just be further evidence that she's crazy and he made the right decision to break up with her. If she broke up with him, then it would probably drive him insane with jealousy. 
 
So the question is, does AJ McCarron play better angry?
 
My guess is no.  
 
Sarah R. writes:
 
"Love OKTC and am really enjoying the coverage on fox sports one. I need your help settling a debate with a co-worker.  After a company work function, some of my co-workers and I were hanging out in the hotel bar and one of the guys in my group said that he was 100% sure he could get more drinks bought for him from people in the bar than I could that night. I’m a mid-twenties, pretty good looking girl so naturally I said “You’re on” (note: I’m an Aggie, so I also know the correct use of you’re/your).  Obviously, I ended up having more drinks offered to me than I could actually consume while said co-worker was having to tell people about the bet and ask them to buy him drinks to keep him in the game at all (I say this is cheating). 

 

My question is: is there any situation in which a guy would be able to get more free drinks bought for him than a girl would?  I say no because, even if the girl wasn’t that much better looking than the guy or there was a higher ratio of girls to guys in the bar, girls are still MUCH more likely to have drinks bought for them.  (Obviously Kliff Kingbury and Johnny Manziel are exceptions in this hypothetical)."

 

If you take gay bars and celebrities out of the equation then there's no way a guy would get more drinks bought for him than a girl.

 

Zero.

 

Also, you can't win a bet by discussing the fact that the bet exists. The moment that occurs, he's lost.  

 

Chris A. writes:

 

"This is a question I think you are very qualified to answer. This is also something that has bugged me for quite some time.

You get called stupid a lot. I know this because I’ve seen many of your responses on Twitter. They are mostly from people who are clearly uneducated. Misspellings, run-on sentences, and general bad grammar with a taste of simple” dumbassery” is typical in what I see in most of these tweets. You have graduated from two very respected institutions. Will there ever be a day when the most uneducated Americans realize the irony and simply stop exposing their ignorance? I love the way you respond. It is the only way to call out these people in an effective way.

Two more examples are those Americans who clearly couldn’t graduate the 7th grade but go to any and all means to call the President stupid and/or dumb on a daily basis. Also, the racist backlash to the new Miss America. She is Indian, which to some Americans mean she’s Al-Qaida and ready to blow up their church. There was also a lot of response towards her answer to her question. She was also called stupid and/or dumb. She’s going to be a doctor.

Will there ever be a time when a President or Miss America can use the “Clay Travis” approach to stupidity without any backlash? Thanks."

 

Here's the deal -- and I say this every few months -- the dumbest people in America are not aware of how dumb they are. They are so dumb they think they're actually the smart ones. 

 

Once you realize this fact, the entire universe makes much more sense. 

 

If you've ever doubted your own intelligence, you're probably in the top half of intelligence. If you've never doubted your own intelligence, you're almost certainly an idiot. 

 

Read the comments to the dumbest fan base articles. Just about every angry response justifies the premise of my article. And these are people responding under their own names and receiving positive encouragement from their Facebook friends for how smart they are at "giving it to me," and "setting me straight." These people lack the basic reading comprehension skills to even understand that the articles are satire focused on the "dumbest," "stereotypical," fan. The satire gets taken up to a whole new level when the people who are being satirized combat the satire by arguing that they're actually smart. Of course, their postings demonstrate to anyone of reasonable intelligence that they are not, in fact, smart. 

 

It's just a comedy pyramid.

 

Somehow I've managed to get rich by exposing these idiots.

 

I really do have the best job in America.  

 

Andy S. writes:

 

"A few weeks ago, outside of my office building downtown, I was standing waiting for a buddy to pick me up to go to lunch. As I waited, I noticed a man walking towards me. He looked just like Ronnie VanZant from Lynyrd Skynyrd, the hat, black button down with rock and roll t-shirt underneath, etc. The whole nine yards of a rocker. Anyway, he approached and leaned up against a planter near where I was standing and began telling me his entire life story. He claimed to be a former road man for "Skynrd" and was now eaten up with emphysema and looking for the disability office.

I say all this to get to this point. At some point during the conversation, for some reason I look down only to notice that the entire crotch of his tight rock and roll pants is blown out and every square inch of his scrotum is hanging out. Like brains. My question is this: How do you, or do you at all, go about telling a person of this nature that his entire private area is exposed to everyone walking or driving through this area of downtown Nashville? I mean there are so many factors that go into this. Does he attack me for happening to glance in the direction of his crotch? Does he know this is going on and is just enjoying it? Do I point him in the direction of the disabilities office knowing he has this going on? 
 
And the kicker of all this, he had just left a local new station from an interview, so he said." 
 
As awkward as it might be, I think you have to tell him that his scrotum is visible. 
 
Believe it or not, I have a visible scrotum story of my own. 
 
Back in college, a friend and I flew out of Atlanta for a trip to Europe. My dad drove us down and we spent the night at my uncle's house in Chattanooga to also visit with him. My uncle had recently gotten into skiing and he started telling us a story about his most recent skiing exploit. 
 
As he explained his ability to swish from one side to another on a black diamond, his scrotum fell out of his shorts. 
 
So my uncle's fake skiing down a mountain and his balls are bouncing all over the place. 
 
My friend, my dad, and me all saw it, but none of us said anything. 
 
Because, as you rightly noticed, how do you tell another man that his balls are visible?
 
Better question, how do you not feel the cold air on your balls? Maybe I'm just crazy, but I'd like to think that if my balls were exposed to open air, I'd know. (I feel the same way, by the way, about exposed nipples. How do women not know when their nipples are out?)
 
Anyway, we got back into the car and my dad summed up the whole experience by saying. "I mean, you saw it, and then you just couldn't look away."
 
Later, at Thanksgiving, we told my uncle we'd all seen his scrotum. 

KC writes:

"Being a native Arkansan -I felt your criticisms were correct and warranted. Let's be real. It's Arkansas.

After digging through the feedback, I read comments of those passionate about the Ozarks defending AR and denying its place on your list.

My question is-do the comical reactions you receive from those on your dumbest fan bases list make you reevaluate their place on the list or is it right in line with where/why you ranked them?" 

 

Yes, there is no doubt that we have to have a final, revised rankings once the list is complete. 

 

I'm releasing numbers three, two, and one on each Tuesday of the next three weeks. 

 

At that point we'll have worked through the ten dumbest fan base list -- millions of people, not hyperbolic numbers, actual numbers -- will have read these articles and at that time we'll have to reassess the overall rankings.

 

Basically the entire season will have played itself out then and we have to award the BCS title.

 

Or do we need a playoff seeding bracket on the top eight teams to let y'all vote?

 

This has been so much fun.  

 

James C. writes:

 

"Because the lead writer at OKTC seems to be on the hot seat from many fan bases, I can only see the answer being to let him go. So due to popular demand, how would you go about firing yourself?"

 

I'm going to call a press conference one day and fire myself.

 

I'm going to begin the press conference as Clay Travis, owner of Outkick the Coverage. I will wear a jacket and a tie and unceremoniously fire Clay Travis the writer. I will then take questions about why it was necessary to take this action. 

 

Then I'm going to take my jacket and tie off, strip down to a t-shirt, shorts -- hopefully without exposing my balls in the process -- and flip-flops and answer questions as Clay Travis, the recently fired Outkick the Coverage writer. I will lambast Clay Travis the owner. 

 

The entire thing will be spectacular theater. 

 

David K. writes:

 

"My little brother is getting married this Saturday at 5pm. While I am thankful the wedding is on a day when the games are pretty weak, it'll be the first UT game I haven't watched in years.  Because of wedding pictures, I have to be at the church by 3 pm, which means I will miss almost the entire UT-UF game. Do I skip watching the game and keep up with the score on my phone since it will most likely be a blowout or do I DVR the game and hope no one tells me the score for the entire time I'm at the wedding?


Also, would it be appropriate to express my hatred for the wedding events at the rehearsal dinner tonight?"

 

It's almost impossible to avoid a game score at big events like these. 

 

If Tennessee pulled off a massive upset and won, someone would take the mic and scream about it at the wedding at some point. If the Vols lose then you'd still find out the result as well. 

 

So I'd just follow along on your phone.

 

Honestly, it could be a blessing in disguise for you that you don't have to watch Florida destroy the Vols again this year.

 

But the wedding being scheduled on the same day as UT and Florida should certainly be mentioned at the rehearsal dinner toast.

 

If this was the last 1990's you'd be entirely justified in kidnapping your brother Hangover style in order to watch the game.  

 
Anne W. writes:

"I am a 28 year old female who shamelessly loves both sports (Auburn grad) and Taylor Swift. Please give me a summary or play-by-play of you and your wife's experience at the concert last night."
 
I could probably write an entire columnn on what going to a Taylor Swift concert is like for a bearded 34 year old man who is there without kids. 
 
But first I gotta be honest, Taylor Swift's concert was pretty entertaining.
 
Our concert date wasn't very well planned. I just realized the concert was even going on a couple of hours beforehand. We try to go out once a week for a date night on Wednesday or Thursday since I'm away for weekends. 
 
I thought she would like it so I asked if she wanted to go. Then I got on StubHub while we were at dinner and bought tickets for us. We were on the 7th row on the floor so I could basically reach out and touch Taylor Swift when she was singing, "22."
 
There were two main things I was thinking during this concert:
 
1. Why can young girls squeal so loud? I mean, it's incredibly painful to hear. Young boys can't make sounds like this. What evolutionary advantage does this ear-pitching wail convey? I'm convinced I lost years of my hearing based on these yelps and squeals. One girl directly behind us was the worst. She was like twenty years old too. I told my wife I was going to pour my beer on her to get her to shut up. 
 
2. How much money is Taylor Swift going to make in her career? She's going to be a billionaire, right? I mean, there's zero doubt. How many more albums and songs will she release in her career? She'll still only be 42 in twenty more years. That's younger than Gwen Stefani is right now. (I'd love for her to release a song about being 42. "It feels like a perfect night, my f---ing kids are at their ex-husbands and I can drink, alone, uh huh, uh huh.")
 
There really is no end to how much money she's going to make. In fact, assuming she doesn't go crazy or start dating Johnny Manziel, I think she'll make more than any musician ever has.
 
By the way, I want to do my own music video spoof to, "Mean." Except I'd be the anti-hero star. Can we make this happen?
  
Andrew M. writes:
 
"Thought your interview on the Outkick podcast with Cooper Manning was really great stuff. You are like a much less annoying Jim Rome with a little Tennessee twang, or at least enough to know you are from God's country. 
 
Anyway, one question that I thought to be pretty interesting was when you asked Cooper if he thought Peyton would have come to Oxford had the probation not been there. My question is, how much different would the history of the two programs be had Peyton gone to Ole Miss? For example, could this have meant Fulmer's tenure might have been shorter. Let's say Tennessee doesn't get Manning, pulls a 7-5 a couple years and Fulmer's gets fired around 2001. Then they hired a stopgap (Dooley) that lasts three years. Could Peyton Manning coming to Knoxville have prevented Tennessee from having a shot at Spurrier after his horrible NFL run?"
 
Hypotheticals like these are so fun to chase down and debate. 
 
My favorite three favorite SEC hypotheticals right now are these:
 
1. What if Nick Saban and the Dolphins sign Drew Brees instead of Daunte Culpepper? Remember the Dolphins picked Culpepper over Brees because their doctors said he was healthier. If Saban gets Brees he's probably still coaching in the NFL, right? And he's probably won at least one Super Bowl. The Saban to Bama dynasty never happens. Which means Phil Fulmer's probably still at UT. Urban Meyer probably wins at least one more national title and Saban doesn't nearly kill him.
 
The possibilities are endless here.  
 
2. What if Rich Rod doesn't turn down Bama?
 
Can you imagine the collapse that Rich Rod at Bama would have been? You thought the Michigan fans were mean? This slow car wreck would have been amazing to watch. 
 
3. What if Tim Tebow signs with Alabama and Mike Shula instead of Florida?
 
Is Mike Shula still at Bama. 
 
Does he win a national title there?
 
Does Urban end up getting fired at Florida and win no national titles?
 
You can talk about the eventual outcome of these hypotheticals for hours. 
 
Here's the wildest. If Saban doesn't come to Bama are we talking about Les Miles as the greatest college football coach of all time? He definitely wins the title in 2012, right? Does he also win 2013? Is LSU a dynasty right now?
 
So if Manning hadn't gone to Tennessee, what would have happened with the Vols?
 
Great question, the Brandon Stewart era is less successful, but how much so? Remember, Manning only won a single SEC title. How much did Manning help stock UT's recruiting though?
 
All of these are great bar debates.  
 
Chad B. writes:

"I was at a bar in large southern city a couple of weekends ago with a couple of old college friends and noticed that every guy there was at least 6'0" (well, not literally, but at least 75% of them). I am 5'8", so you can see how this is disadvantageous to me in regards to impressing girls.

At what height does it become disadvantageous toward picking up girls at bars? I usually don't even try, not worth the effort in my opinion. It's much easier to pick up a girl at school or at a carnival or whatever your favorite trolling place is. There aren't as many giant manboys shoving cherry sours down ex sorority girl's gullets at those places."
 
Southern men are much taller than non-Southern men. 
 
I noticed this when I went away to college on the east coast. I could suddenly see over everyone's head at parties. I'm just six feet tall, but no joke, I was a giant on the east coast. The same thing is true of the west coast. People are taller in the central part of the country. 
 
I have no idea why. 
 
So move to the east or west coasts. 
 
You'd be a normal height there. 
 
Tom W. writes:
 
"Don't James Franklin and USC seem like a perfect fit? And is there any way Franklin says no? It's the best job on the west coast, fertile recruiting grounds, and this year is the last sanctioned class. If Franklin says no isn't it feasible he goes the way of Dan Mullen (top UF candidate to possibly losing his job at MSU)?"
 
I started talking about the idea of Franklin to USC last bowl season after Lane Kiffin lost to Georgia Tech. 
 
If USC doesn't go with Jack Del Rio -- because he'd take the job -- then I think Franklin will be at the top of their list. 
 
Vandy is going to its third straight bowl game this year and the only question is whether the Commodores can do better than 6-6 or 7-5. I don't think Franklin is set up for a Dan Mullen like fall because he's recruited really well, but you never know for sure.  
 
Franklin would be outstanding at USC. Texas too, to be honest. But I think USC is even a better fit. 
 
Nate writes:
 
"Clay,

Ok, so I am a 23 year old single male currently in graduate school for my masters of economics, at Miami University. It's come time to look for future employment and a place to live.  My family is all from Iowa, and I'm sure as hell not staying in Ohio. I have always wanted to head south and check it out. Give me the top reasons I should move south, and never look back to the north."
 
Okay, I've got three reasons for you. 

1. Hot girls in sundresses  

2. Hot girls in sundresses

3. Hot girls in sundresses  

In all honesty, if you go out in Nashville for a weekend, you will never want to leave.

Welcome to the South.