All That and a Bag of Mail: Tennessee Glass Eye Edition

Published on: September 21, 2012 | Written by: Clay Travis

Another loss to Florida and it's clear Tennessee fans have lost it as well. Glass eyes with favorite teams, facial hair in the shape of the power T, and gay slur t-shirts, it's been a strong week for Vol fans in the awkward fan challenge.

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Doodle, the mini-donkey. You have to read this story, Just have to.

It's time for All That and a Bag of Mail: Awkward UT fan edition.

We'll start with the power T in the facial hair. That's strong, but the Bama Bangs make this appear to be a Vol fan who is contemplating joining Alabama's juggernaut.

Bama Bangs and the power T just don't mix.

Update:

@preston_dennis notifies me on Twitter that, "This is a pic of & his eye. His doctor said only two in the world that are UT customized."

So in the space of a day the only two UT fans with glass eyes in the world have both contacted OKTC.

This makes complete sense.

And the second UT fan -- that's an orange glass eye with a white power T -- actually outkicked his coverage too.

@drew_lane Tweets:

"If you had to spend $26 million in six years, what would you blow it on?"

Okay, first we have to do the math here. There are 2190 days in six years. In order to blow $26 million as Vince Young is alleged to have done you have to do two things: a. not purchase anything that retains value. (Think about how hard this is to do. For instance, you can't buy hard assets that can be sold for some value -- i.e. houses, cars, art work,  jewelry because if you make these purchases you aren't actually blowing the money completely.) and b. spend $11,872 a day on average every day for six years in a row.

So the question becomes, how is it even possible to spend this much money on objects that you don't retain? (This is assuming, by the way, that VY never received any interest whatsoever on his money. Which, in theory, would have been almost impossible to manage).

The only things I can even think of that you could consume are travel, food, drink, and strippers, things that disappear as soon as you spend the money.

I mean, in theory this sounds like an awesome challenge, but in reality I think the gluttony would be awful, like eating birthday cake for every meal, eventually spending this money would start to feel like a job.

Okay, first you have to be in a big city in America. I don't think it's physically possible for you to spend nearly $12k a day on perishable items in 95% of the towns in the United States. (And you probably have to be in the United States. Can you imagine being in rural India trying to spend $12k a day?) For instance, my dad and uncle have a farm in Perry County, Tennessee. There's absolutely nothing down there. I don't even know what you could buy -- that wouldn't retain any value -- that would allow you to spend $12k a day. I mean, I guess you could go out to dinner at the "The Rusty Fishhook" -- great catfish, by the way -- in Linden and leave your waitress an $11,500 tip, but outside of that, it's nearly impossible to pull off.

And you can't go to a big city and buy a place with your money because, again, that asset wouldn't completely disappear.

So you have to go to a big city and stay in one of the nicest hotels there, in one of the finest suites, and then you have to go to the best restaurants and regularly go out to strip clubs as well, places where cash can disappear without a trace. 

Basically, you have to go to Vegas for a substantial part of the time.

But how long could you spend nearly $12k a day in Vegas without a. needing rehab b. dying c. marrying a stripper.

Basically, this lifestyle would be a disaster.

As a married man with kids, if I had to spend it, I think I'd spend all six years traveling around the world. But even then I'd miss home. And I've got a four year old and a two year old, two young boys, so am I just taking my family on the road with me? I'm not sure how much the boys would enjoy this, do they have "Sprout" in Singapore?

So if it's purely by consumption, I don't think I could even do it.  

The only real luxury that I ever find myself envying is a private airplane. So I'd clearly fly everywhere in a private jet. (Note, you can't buy a share of a plane because that would actually retain value).

I guess I could go to Vegas for like three months and have an absolute bender, but would I survive?

Am I crazy for saying that if someone gave me $26 million and told me I had to spend every dime of it on purely consumable objects, I'd just turn it down? Because I think I would.  

Karen writes:

"If you had been friends with Vince Young in 2006, which restaurant chain would you have asked him to take you to regularly?

Your assumption here is that VY and I weren't hanging out all the time. Maybe I was a part of the $6k dropped at T.G.I. Friday's. I do love my melon ball shots.  

Yesterday, by the way, former Titan Keith Bulluck and current Titan Marc Mariani confirmed that the team regularly hangs out at T.G.I. Friday's and that the tabs sometimes got out of control there. The fact that the Tennesssee Titans choose to meet up at T.G.I. Friday's and run up out of the control tabs there is one of the most ridiculous stories in the team's 14 years in town. 

But what chain restaurant would I have picked?

I eat all the time at O'Charley's, which makes Cheesecake Factory look like Tavern on the Green. (Fortunately I've never done shots at O'Charley's, but I have seen other people doing shots there, which has to be one of the top signs that you've just given up on life.)

But I don't think I'd go with O'Charley's. Or Olive Garden, which is always impossible to even get into in Nashville.  

I think I'd roll with Maggiano's. Family style dining, baby. We could get a private room and take strippers out to dinner.      

Jason R. writes:

"Which is more likely to happen: Chris Johnson runs for 100 yards this week, or Mizzou pulls the upset over the Cocks?"

Mizzou is a ten point dog, CJ has 21 yards on 19 carries.

A ten point dog wins about 25% of the time.

Based on how CJ is playing and how the line is blocking, do I think that CJ runs for 100 yards one in every four games against the Lions?

No, I don't.  

So I think Mizzou is the better bet here.

Via Twitter

I don't remember who Tweeted this to me, but a UT fan wore a gay slur t-shirt to the Florida game.

Sigh.

There is a 100% chance this guy posts on UT message boards, hates me, and thinks "your gay" too.

My favorite thing about this photo is the red head. My second favorite thing about this photo is the way the guy in the shirt is staring down the camera like it's 2 for 1 time at the strip club.

@againstthegriff Tweets:

"Could WKU and ULM fare better in the SEC this year than UK and Auburn? Would UK even be able to win the Sun Belt?"

I actually asked Willie Taggart whether UK could win the Sun Belt and he dodged the question.

But I don't think there's any way UK could win the Sun Belt. I don't think there's any way Auburn wins the Sun Belt either. In fact, if Auburn and UK were scheduled to play each other this year, both teams should cancel the game and just have a group cry.

ULM's coach already has a better SEC win than Derek Dooley. The only SEC team Dooley has beaten on the road is Vandy. Note: Dooley has four SEC wins thus far, Ole Miss, Vandy twice, and Kentucky once. He's now 4-13 in the SEC overall, 1-8 in his last nine league games.  

Ross N.:

"Would you rather your son be offered an SEC football scholarship or an Ivy League academic scholarship?"

Sometimes the questions in the South scare me.

This is one of them.

For instance, when my wife was a Titans cheerleader, we got into a debate about whether your average football fan would rather his daughter grow up to be a cheerleader for his favorite team or be a doctor. Based on the reaction Lara got as a Titans cheerleader, the number of people who would rather their daughter be a cheerleader than a doctor is scary.

Leaving aside the fact that the Ivy League doesn't give any academic scholarships, you have to pick the Ivy League. (By the way, both of my boys have infinitely greater chances of being admitted to an Ivy League school than receiving SEC football scholarships). You have to play the percentages here and figure that an Ivy League degree is likely to pay off better than an SEC football scholarship. Even if you make the NFL, the average career is 2.6 seasons.  

I'd love to see a study of the average salary of an SEC football scholarship player at the age of 25, 35, 45, 55 and 65. Even with the few who make tons of money in the NFL, the average SEC scholarship football player has to make less than the average SEC graduate, right? And the average Ivy League grad has to destroy the average SEC scholarship recipient.

My rationale here is simple -- a huge percentage of SEC scholarship recipients never graduate, and many who do graduate lack the ability to make a good living in the real world.  

Now, if you modified this question and said, would you rather your son get admitted to an Ivy League school or be a starting quarterback in the SEC?

Then my answer switches.

Arguably, by the way, you could go to Vandy and get both.

Jacob W. asks:

"If you were held at gunpoint and forced to get a large back tattoo, what would it be, and why?"

I'm tempted to go with "Your Gay."

In fact, I've actually thought about getting a personalized license plate that said this, but I'm afraid that people would think I was serious.

So if I had to have a back tattoo I'd get something that no one else had. Maybe the Gettysburg Address?

If I had to go with fewer words: "Clear Eyes, Full Heart, Can't Lose," above a picture of Tami Taylor's cleavage.

Have great weekends and remember, glass eye power T!  

(Credit -- or blame -- to emailer Doug for this picture.)