All That and a Bag of Mail: The Season Is Here!

Published on: August 30, 2012 | Written by: Clay Travis

The season is here!

The season is here!

And Alabama fans are still dumb.

Really dumb. We'll dive in to this picture in a moment. Credit goes to @thejuiceisgood and several of you on Twitter on who ensure that I never miss anything.

The mailbag here a day early. That's because I'll be at Vandy-South Carolina this afternoon -- you can catch my debut as the ugliest pregame sideline reporter in history on NBC Sports Network at 6 et, 5 ct -- and then I'll be driving down to do 3HL from Atlanta -- we'll be at the TacoMac on Peachtree -- followed by more pregame sideline reporting for UT-N.C. State. The next morning I wake up and hop a flight to Dallas to go see Alabama-Michigan. So, yeah, this is pretty much the best tripleheader of my life.

And speaking of tripleheaders...

I mean, I just...

I....

(Unintelligible sounds.)

Yes, a Bama fan tattoo has truly left me speechless.

Where do we even start with this collection of tattoos?

1. I think we have to start with the Heisman trophy between the boobs.

Because my wife just walked by the computer and said, what woman got the Heisman trophy tattooed between her lopsided boobs?

Then I scrolled up and showed her it was a man.

So, yeah...

2. Bear Bryant is Freddy Krueger.

He appears to have survived a recent fire and summered with Snooki on the Jersey Shore.

3. He's holding up the Bama hat.

Because, clearly, without the hat this fan's favorite team would have been a toss-up.

4. There is a 100% chance that this guy has called me gay.

100% might even be too low.

5. He has the national titles tattooed on his chest.

Presumably he has not yet added 2012.

Even Bama fans have to hope one of these titles is vacated, right? What does he do then? Can the ring come off?

6. He has to have a ponytail.

I'd recognize those stray wisps of hair anywhere. They're on every sexual assault charge mugshot since 1993.

7. He still lives at home.

How do we know this?

Look over the right shoulder. That's an elementary school photo that's up in a mom or grandma's house.

8. What tattoos are on his arms?

What are they?

We must find out.

OKTC I-Team, Investigate.

9. This looks suspiciously like an Atlanta Braves "A"

Which would be the greatest prank ever to pull on a Bama fan.

I could spend all day on this photo, but it's mailbag time.

And for all you Bama and Kentucky fans who ask -- how come you keep picking on us? -- it's because these aren't outliers. This is your fanbase.

Really.

...

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Todd Fuhrman, whose Vegas columns, debuting today, are going to be must read all season.

...

Bunch of y'all on Twitter:

"What happens tonight in Vandy-South Carolina? And in UT-N.C. State?"

First, I hope you guys make it to the game. It's going to be Carmageddon today in Nashville. In a first, I'm quoted in today's Tennessean as a traffic expert. With the Titans also kicking off at six, road closures, and two different games taking place at rush hour within 3.5 miles of each other, it's going to be absolute bedlam. Good luck.  

Second, I think South Carolina wins -- after all, I picked them to win the national title -- but I think it's really, really close. As in, Vandy has the ball down three with two minutes to go. After driving down the field to about the Gamecock thirty, I see a blindside hit coming from Clowney, a fumble, game over.

Carolina wins 24-21.

Third, on the UT-N.C. State game, I think it's equally close. It's asking too much of Cordarrelle Patterson to expect him to step in and dominate immediately. That's why the loss of Da'Rick Rogers is so painful for Tennessee. So I think N.C. State doubles Justin Hunter and forces Patterson to run the right routes, catch the ball, and make plays. Remember that Patterson has only been on campus since July. How many routes can he actually know well? That's why I think there are two real keys to Tennessee winning: a. run the ball at least somewhat respectably and

b. Mychal Rivera at tight end. N.C. State is inexperienced at tight end and I think Rivera goes for over 100 yards in this game.

On the other side, N.C. State will score. The question is two-fold, can the Vol defense line up correctly and will they also make enough plays to stem the State tide?

I think the answer is yes to the latter question, the new Sunseri defense is going to be high risk, high reward. At least for a night, the reward will pay off.  

38-35 Vols.

For wagering purposes this means I'm taking Vandy +7 and N.C. State +3.5.

George Jones writes:

"Two years in a row I have buddies moving over Labor Day weekend. Same rules apply to fall moving as fall weddings? I say yes."

Yes, a true southerner would never schedule anything on the opening weekend of college football season.

They couldn't have moved last week?

Also, I say your obligation to help them move is limited to morning hours. That or you can do it Sunday during Louisville-Kentucky. No one outside Kentucky really needs to watch this bloodbath. Either way choosing to move on the opening weekend of college football after a previous month when nothing was going on is just flat-out inexcusable.

Caleb Garner writes:

"Over/under for Dooley getting fired by midseason?"

The key here is what record would require him getting fired by midseason?

Plus, I'm going to define midseason to include up through the South Carolina game, which would put him at eight complete games into the season. I think Dooley would need to be 2-6 there to get fired midseason. And even at 2-6 I'm not sure Hart would pull the trigger because the team could still finish 6-6 and you could fire him then. The Liberty Bowl could be Dooley's SEC swan song. Anything earlier than this is virtually impossible since losing to Georgia State or Akron is unbelievable.

Being 2-6 would require losses to N.C. State, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi State, Alabama, and South Carolina. 

Even for Dooley that's a great pile of ineptitude. (Although to be fair it's likely UT will only be favored over N.C. State among these six.)  

The only wins would be over Georgia State and Akron. 

At this point everyone would know Dooley would be fired, however, so maybe Hart would pull the trigger. But I still think even at 2-6 Hart wouldn't fire him yet.

I'm going 15% mid-season, just because I think Dooley will make it to at least 3-5 and be able to argue he can still post a 7-5 record.  

Now, what are the odds that Dooley gets fired at the end of the year? I think it's 50-50. The Florida game is beyond massive for him.  

Chris LaFosse:

"One game against Saban with a team of comparable talent. One month to prepare…who is your HC?"

You've gotta go Bill Belichick, right?

That's a no brainer.  

If you're going with a college coach, here's my roster:

1. Urban Meyer

He would kill himself to win this game. 

Assuming he survived, I like my odds.  

2. Chris Petersen

The guy has been lights out in opening season games with teams that have more talent than he does.

What could he do against Saban with a full month to prepare and equal talent?

I like his chances.

3. Les Miles

He's the only SEC coach with an even record against Saban at Bama. Miles and Saban are now tied at 3-3 and I think Miles wins game seven in Tiger Stadium this coming November 3rd.

Les is the anti-Saban, which is why he's had so much success.

I'm not sure there is anyone outside of these top three that I would take.  

Looks like Floyd Mayweather would put Michigan's Brady Hoke on this list. Per Bleacher Report he's got $3 million on Michigan +14.

Wow.

Happy college football season to you guys. I'll see you on 3HL and NBC Sports Network this Thursday and Friday from the sideline of Vandy-South Carolina and UT N.C. State.