All That and a Bag of Mail: Toddler Derek Dooley Owns Universe

Published on: October 26, 2011 | Written by: Clay Travis

Late last night the toddler Halloween costume of the year arrived on my Twitter feed. I'm not going to lie, I thought my one-year old's toddler Darth Vader was going to be pretty hard to beat. Then this showed up on my Twitter timeline. This is even better than Deadspin's Baby Mangino from a couple year's back. I've emailed with the mother of Toddler Dooley -- here a hint he's got the middle name Neyland!-- and I'll have more information about the costume up soon. But as I run off to the radio show I wanted to go ahead and make y'all's day.

Okay, here's the details from mom Cortney on Toddler Dooley:

"So excited that you love my son's halloween costume!
 
I couldn't find orange toddler pants, or a T polo. So I rit-dyed some of his khaki pants, and found an iron-on T logo. I ordered a superman black vinyl wig, and borrowed my husbands xbox controller.  I attached the controller to a little radio to clip onto his belt.  Completed the outfit with a brown belt and brown shoes.  My son thinks he is some serious hot stuff in his outfit!!
 
How cool would it be to have some Derek Dooley autographed orange pants for my son's Tennessee room ?!"

Cortney, I think I speak for every college football fan in America when I say: you've won Halloween.

...

By the way, the fact that every sports fan in America isn't on Twitter is one of the most amazing fan fails I've seen this side of assaulting a first base coach. (If you're confused about Twitter just follow me and then follow all the people I follow. You can supplement from there, but it's a good base).

Our beaver pelt trader of the week? Is it even a question? Toddler Dooley.

On to the mailbag.

Oh, hell, you want to see Toddler Derek Dooley again, don't you?

Those of you who love the hate mail more than the regular mail are going to love it this week because the mailbag insults arrive in a hurry. Here goes.

Michael Lawrence writes:

I have a cell phone video of Clay Travis sucking James Franklin's c---. If you would like me to mail in the video, please contact me via my phone number.

706-768-3035

That would be quite a scoop for OKTC!

So I called.

No one answered.

I left this message: "Hey, this is Clay Travis, I'm calling about the Clay Travis c----sucking video. Look forward to hearing back."

I haven't heard back yet.

Steven L. writes:

I have read Derek Dooley’s and your biography on the internet. What Position on the field is a sports basketball manager play on the football team? Last I looked that means that you aren’t good enough to play the game but the coach felt sorry for you and allowed you to sit on the bench. Derek played tight end on a 4A state champs in Georgia, and a walk on receiver for the University of Virginia who was an all-American there. He was a lawyer, as you are currently, also before giving it up to coach football. What do you do? Oh,  that right . you write books. Well, Mr. Travis, I think it’s time for you to put your money where your mouth is. You need to go to a division 1 football team and coach them. And let’s see if you can do a better job. I don’t think so. But if you do more power to you. You know there is an old saying that those who can do, and those who can’t talk about it. So far all you have done is talk.

I know that dumb people are fond of the "put your money where your mouth is" cliche, but how does it apply here? You know you've failed at life when you misapply the "put your money where your mouth is" cliche.

You aren't asking me to put my money anywhere, you're asking me to take money for doing something. That is what everyone on earth does.  

For the record I will be happy to "go to a division 1 football team and coach them."

You point me in the right direction. (FYI, I might do better than what New Mexico has now).

Regardless of what happens, I win.

If I lose every game -- which I will -- I still get to make $500k or more from coaching and then triple that with the resulting book and reality show deals. So I'm perfectly willing to take over the head coaching responsibility at any school in the country that will have me. 

You really showed me with this email. I hope nobody throws me into coaching. #br'errabbit  

Watson writes:

"Nick Saban owns college football"  ???  He owns it so much he couldn't hold on to a 24 point lead at home over his arch rival with a Heisman winner, etc. 
 
Put down the cool-aid
 
The TRUTH: Losing record against Auburn, and likely others.
 
And he recruits so well because he "outworks" every other coach ?  Riiiiight. 
 
Those of you who worship that WHACKO while trying to manufacture mud on Auburn demonstrate the epitome of hypocrisy
 
He's an above average coach and a good cheater...whatever ownership that gets him is certainly not admirable. 

The truth: Nick Saban is 44-5 in his last 49 games. Two of those losses have been against national championship winning teams. So he's 44-3 against non-national title winning teams. Well said, Auburn fan, he's entirely overrated.

This year's Alabama team is one of the best in college football history. (So is LSU, by the way). Alabama is so good that we spent an hour taking calls on what the spread would be in a hypothetical Alabama vs. the Miami Dolphins game.

On today's radio show my guy at Caesar's, Todd Fuhrman -- someone else you should be following on Twitter -- will attempt to give us a line on this game. In the meantime, for 3HL listeners in Nashville and elsewhere across the country, we're announcing some big radio news this week. My haters are going to be even more mad.

Ken G. writes:

Clay: Next time Mrs. Dooley comes on the radio, you need to ask her about when the UF fraternity pledges from Vince's old fraternity show up on her doorstep every January (they may have stopped by now, but it was annual pilgramage for many years). She is the coolest lady, and Vince is a great guy himself (the fact that my 12 year old son can spot-on immitate Vince Dooley's quote about the 1985 UF team "That is the most ferocious Gatoh I have evah seen") is something that makes me laugh every time he does it.

They are cool people. Glad their son is the SEC. As my UF roommate once said in 1986 trying to figure out who the UT QB and Virginia Tech coach were -- "There are way too many Dickeys and Dooleys in college football." I can say to the contrary, we don't have enough of them.

Sigh, I love Barbara Dooley.

But her radio ban in conjunction with me putting her son on the hot seat has probably ended our romance.

I'm not going to lie, I cry a bit every night about this.

Craig M. writes:

I heard a Kansas City talk show host mention that Florida has a broadcast deal with the Sunshine Network for something like $100 mil/yr to show Florida games on Sunday mornings, "Breakfast With the Gators." He compared this to the LHN and said there was no way Florida would give that deal up for an SEC network. Since this is a rebroadcast agreement, I don't see how it would affect a SEC network. Couldn't both exist?

Assuming you heard this correctly the Kansas City radio show host is an idiot. Florida has a $10 million a year deal with the Sunshine Network. But that's not a tremendous obstacle to the coming SEC Newtork in partnership with ESPN.

What will happen with all of these local multimedia rights deals is that as each expires it will be rolled up into the existing SEC Network platform.

I've got a column on the SEC Network financials that is going to blow y'all's minds. It's coming later this week. But in the meantime be careful who you're listening to talk about expansion. Most people aren't doing a good job making sense. OKTC has owned expansion thus far. One of the reasons is because the people we talk to trust us to understand all the complexities of expansion. Let's be honest, the vast majority of sports reporters have trouble writing game stories in under an hour even when provided with every quote and stat from a game that just happened in front of them. You think these same people are going to be able to get a grip on conference realignment when politics, legalities, academics, athletics, and more are all in play at the same time? And the proper analysis requires considering all of these factors while playing them forward and adjusting yoru analysis on an hourly basis as the situation changes?

Good luck to ya. (Uttered just like Willie in Swamp People).

Okay, okay, I know you want Toddler Derek Dooley again.

Who wins? He or Baby Mangino?