All That and a Bag of Mail: Vols Peeing on Gators Edition

Published on: September 14, 2012 | Written by: Clay Travis

Last night we had the tent set up in the backyard because my four-year old wanted to camp outside.

So we went into the tent around eight at night. We had everything we'd need: Scooby Doo snacks, a pair of flashlights, and water bottles. Things went well for about an hour and then we were on our fourth story and my son said he wanted "a really spooky story this time." So I made up a story about a ghost who lost his leg in a whale attack -- I figure why not start a little literary history early? -- and walked around all night long looking for his lost leg. About four minutes into the story my son just flipped out, he climbed out of the covers, made straight for the exit of the tent, sprinted up the back porch stairs, ran up the stairs into the house without stopping to talk to his mom, and curled up in his bed.

When I caught up with him and asked why he was so scared, he said, "Daddy, he might think his leg is in our tent!"

So our beaver pelt trader of the week is Fox, my four year old, because I feel bad about scaring him. But he has a real leg up on "Moby Dick." 

Now on to the mailbag.

Email from @ratedc87 that accompanies the picture:

"Was driving in Smyrna, TN last night, and this was trolling at Walmart. While not Bama Van level, it was pretty damn funny to see. I wanted to get video, but the light changed. The key to this pic is that when the truck stopped, the Smokey replica actually lifts its leg and pisses a orangish-yellow fluid all over the Gator license plate. Enjoy. And go Vols." 

This is pretty outstanding.

I'm assuming this guy has a plate that he switches out for each big game. So in a few weeks Smokey will be pissing on a Georgia plate and then an Alabama plate. This qualifies as NASA level SEC genius, folks.

Anyone else surprised this guy was at Wal Mart? Vegas had Wal Mart as 1/100 odds on this truck's shopping destination. Like how much of an upset would it be to see this truck parked at Whole Foods? He's idling in the parking lot making Smokey pee on a Florida Gator license plate while his wife is inside buying organic apricots.

A bunch of you asked me this on Twitter: "Who will the next Arkansas coach be?"

Here's my list with odds:

Charlie Strong 3/1

Bobby Petrino 5/1

James Franklin 25/1

Dana Holgorsen 45/1

Pete Carroll 200/1

John L. Smith 1 billion/1

Blind Squirrel Tweets:

"Bigger upset? La. Monroe over Arkansas or topless pics of the future queen of England?"

This is tough because, in general, topless photos or videos are incredibly common these days. Especially if you're under the age of 30 -- Kate Middleton turned 30 this year -- in an era of sexting. For instance, what percentage of college-aged women have had nude pictures or video taken by someone?

I think it's a really high percentage. Like, at least a third. (Hell, my wife was a high school guidance counselor and the number of high school nude picture scandals is astounding).

Plus, the more attractive you are, the higher the percentage chance that this photo or video exists. I'm going with 50 percent of attractive women having topless photos out there.

Kate Middleton is hot and we already know that Pippa Middleton, her sister, has topless photos circulating everywhere.  

Carrie Bradshaw voiceover: In an age of sex tapes do topless photos really surprise anyone?

 But these photos really suck for the future queen because she's just hanging out in private with her husband and takes her top off. This is a real invasion of her privacy. It's not like she was on Bourbon Street starring in "Princesses Gone Wild." (By the way, Prince Harry totally owns the entire "Girls Gone Wild," collection. Any doubts about this? Also, are we sure he didn't pay for these photos to be taken? Suddenly no one even remembers his Vegas trip.)

On the other hand, Louisiana-Monroe was a thirty point underdog to Arkansas. 

That's a huge point spread. 

Put it this way, if I'd told you in last week's mailbag, one of these two things is going to happen in the next week: Arkansas is going to lose to La. Monroe or Kate Middleton topless photos are going to get published in a tabloid, just about all of you would have gone Middleton in a tabloid, right?

So Arkansas over Louisiana-Monroe is the bigger upset.  

Here are the Kate Middleton topless photos if you want to see them. (Every single one of you clicked. Perverts).

Brittni writes in response to my picture of the Mizzou miniskirt girls holding a scrapbook:

"Allow me to enlighten you. Here in Columbia we have a tradition (supposedly we started this tradition--unlike the rumor about Homecoming, this one I will allow some debate on) in which a girl requests that a friend (see this as a precursor to Maid of Honorship. An audition, if you will) makes her a Shot Book. The delegated friend will then facebook message 21 of the future birthday girls' friends and ask that they make her a Shot Book Page (a scrap book page that includes photos of the page maker and birthday girl together). The purpose of these pages is to include a small area marked "Shot, Time, Signature" in which, throughout the night, the birthday girl will take a shot with the page maker and sign the page. Ensue terrible calligraphy, unflattering photos, etc.

These books also include quizzes, guest sign-ins, etc and we take this ish  REAL serious. The girl assigned to compile the book must stay relatively sober and guard the (expensive) book with her life. It is a crap job with very little payoff and that is how we gauge who our real friends are."

Dear Mizzou sorority girls,

I love you.

Sincerely,

Clay Travis

(and every other male SEC fan)

On my 21st birthday we kept track of the number of shots I'd consumed with a marker checklist on my hand. I don't remember all the night that well -- just that I was drunk in French class the next day -- but I do remember that around two in the morning, as we stumbled to a new bar or apartment in downtown Washington, D.C., Bill Clinton's motorcade came driving by on his way back from Georgetown. I'm kind of surprised that Clinton didn't stop and come out drinking with us. You know he wanted to.

In other news, are these shot books common at any other school yet? This is the first I've heard of them, but I'm an old man now, so who knows?

Tony Wheeler asks:

"Does Notre Dame's five football game ACC "collaboration" make it just a matter of time before they fully join the ACC?"

What Notre Dame's decision tells us is if they do ever join a conference, it will be the ACC.

But I don't think Notre Dame wants to join the conference because playing nine football games would kill their schedule flexibility. Ultimately the real business question here is this, is Notre Dame enough of a draw to command at least $20 million a year on its own?

I think the answer is yes.

So long as that remains the case, Notre Dame doesn't really have much of a need to join another conference.

Now at some point Notre Dame fans might start asking this question, why do Purdue, Indiana, Mississippi State and Vanderbilt, for instance, all make more money for their televised football games than we do? (It's true, all of these schools in the Big Ten and SEC do and I'm just selecting these members because they're clearly inferior brands to Notre Dame). And if Purdue, Indiana, Mississippi State and Vanderbilt's television revenue is all set to skyrocket going forward, are we losing competitive balance by not joining a major conference and making more money?

See, Notre Dame standing alone just isn't that valuable right now. The Irish only give whichever network buys them about 35 hours of football programming a year. (Keep in mind that Notre Dame only controls its home games. Road games are owned by whichever network has a deal with the hosting school). That amount of programming is miniscule when all of these networks, ESPN, NBC, CBS, and Fox, have so many hours of programming to fill.

That's why large conferences make so much sense, because you need as many games as possible for programming's sake.

How much more would the ACC be worth if Notre Dame was a full member?

That's an interesting question, but keep in mind that then Notre Dame would have to share its television money at least 14 additional ways.  That is, most of the benefit of Notre Dame joining the ACC would inure to the other members of the conference, not Notre Dame.

If the Irish really wanted to make a lot more television money, they would have joined the Big Ten.

As is, they're basically saying we want the status quo, but we don't want to play our other team sports in the crappy Big East.

Brent writes:

The picture you posted Monday of the girls beating the hell out of each other at an Arkansas tailgate brings up an interesting question.

What exactly is the protocol if your girlfriend/wife gets into a fight? In the pic, there's a dude totally taking it all in, but as a guy, are you supposed to break up the girl fight? Only intervene if your girl is losing? If she's winning, is it acceptable to be proud of this?

Just trying to settle an office debate."

First, how about the fighting dexterity of the girl who keeps her McDonald's iced tea cup from spilling while fighting. And she's scrapping while holding on to her cell phone too. That's class, Arkansas style.

Now, as for fights, the reason some men stand around and watch a cat fight while making no effort to end it is they hope nudity will ensue. (FYI, hoping that nudity will ensue represents like 98% of of why men watch women do anything.) Women's fighting gets much nastier, much faster than men's. That's because most male fights end in a kind of odd grappling on the ground pretty quickly. The number of legitimate punches that are thrown is pretty low. If no one lands a solid punch early, the fight is pretty much going to end in awkward ground wrestling.

That's when it's safe to go in for the separation.

But women go for hair, and eyes, and earrings. And they use their nails to claw. Basically, the fist is not the primary method of delivering punishment. There's a bit of honor in male fights, there's none in female fights.  

Every woman fight I've ever seen ends with someone holding hair in her hand like it's a trophy.

Seriously, every single one.

Have you ever seen a male fight end with someone holding hair triumphantly in his hand? It's never happened.

Now, to answer your question, you can't allow your wife to get in a fight. Just can't allow it. (Unless you live in a trailer park and have fathered children with multiple women and those chidlren will be in the same elementary school class. Then it's expected). In terms of your girlfriend, it's still pretty trashy, but undoubtedly the kind of girlfriend who will get in a fight with another woman at a tailgate, is also crazy in bed. There is a 100% correlation here. So this is a trickier question. I still don't think you can allow it, but I understand how you've ended up with the kind of girl who would fight at a tailgate.   

As a general rule, I think once they hit the ground you have to try and break it up.

You have to be like a hockey referee, once they hit the ice, it's over. But here's the deal, you have to be really careful that you're not too rough breaking them up. Because can you imagine getting charged with fighting with a girl?

Arkansas fans reading this right now just wish these girls could play defense for the Hogs.

Parker Hendricks writes:

"If locked in a tiger cage wearing a meat vest, and you had a choice of one (non firearm) weapon what would choose? Why?"

This spring I read a book about a killer tiger, "The Tiger: A True Story of Vengeance and Survival." (The book is awesome, by the way.)

So I actually have some killer tiger knowledge.

The key here is that you need a weapon that allows you to injure the tiger without letting him get his paws on you. So you can't have the sharpest knife ever, or even a sword, because you have to assume that when the tiger gets his paws on you, you're going to die.

Also, can I request the thickest meat vest possible? (By the way, "thickest meat vest possible," might be the grossest four words put together on OKTC since "Bobby Petrino nude photos.")

This could save me some time in the event of hand to claw combat.

You didn't mention whether it was possible to train in advance with my weapon or how big the cage was, but my first weapon draft pick, assuming I can train, is a bow and arrow. Yes, I read, "The Hunger Games," trilogy too. So basically my tiger fighting strategy is boiling down to books I read this spring.

My second weapon draft pick would be a spear with an incredibly sharp knife on the end of it. Like as sharp as the sword that Kevin Costner had in "The Bodyguard."

Wait, you never saw, "The Bodyguard?"

 Me either.

Moving right along.

David Simone Tweets:

"If Florida losses to UT, LSU, USCe, UGA, and FSU and goes 7-5 after going 7-6 how hot is Muschamp's seat?"

Scorching.

Florida doesn't mess around.

Everyone forgets that Ron Zook got fired midway through his third season after going 8-5 and 8-5 in his first two seasons. Zook got fired in the wake of a bad October loss at Mississippi State, but his tenure at Florida wasn't actually that awful. He was 24-15. Putting that into perspective, Derek Dooley would have to go 13-1 this year at Tennessee to equal Zook's three year record at Florida. So the Gators don't mess around, they expect dominance.

Does Muschamp get more than three years for sure? I don't think so. He'd be in the same place Dooley is this year, an absolute show-me year.

I think the Vols win big -- 45-10 over the Gators this week -- but if Dooley doesn't win this game, then he's squarely back on the hot seat. Especially with the next four SEC games being at Georgia, at Mississippi State, Alabama and at South Carolina. I said before the season I thought the Vols would begin 4-0 and then lose their next four. I still think that's likely. In fact, Florida is the only one of these games that I believe the Vols will be favored in.

Put simply, this is a very mediocre Gator team and I think the Vols get up early and this game is never close.

Andrew Travis Tweets:

"What's your favorite video game of all time?"

I don't have time to play video games anymore so my top video game list came to a sudden halt about 2001, when I left college and went to law school.

This means I'm a fan of the classic games, the ones I grew up playing.

My all-time top five would be:

1. Tecmo Super Bowl

This is the greatest video game of all time. Period.

2. Galaga

I could literally play this game for hours at a time. Hours.

3. RBI Baseball

The worst graphics of all time. But the players were real.

4. Baseball Stars

You could climb the wall and steal home runs. Plus, you made money and bought players. It was like being an SEC coach at 11 years old.

5. NBA Jams

"He's heating up." "He's onnnnn fire!"

I would love to play all five of these games right now.

That or make a shot book.