All That and a Bag of Mail: When Do You Become a Dirty Old Man

Published on: June 01, 2012 | Written by: Clay Travis

Okay, we've got a fast break mailbag from Sandestin, Florida where the SEC's spring meeting press conference just ended. 

Here are the three biggest takeaways that are now official:

1. The SEC remains committed to taking the four best conference teams. 

Now the battle royale is set for Chicago. 

It's the SEC, Big 12, Notre Dame, TV, and the smaller conferences against the Pac 12, Big Ten, the ACC, and the Big East. 

2. The league distributed $20.1 million per team in 2012.

Want a jaw-dropping figure that will show you the explosion in college athletics values. 

In 1980, the SEC distributed $400,000 per team.

3. Football will play the 6-1-1 scheduling plan for the next three or four years at least.

SEC basketball will now play 18 games, that's five teams twice and the other eight teams just once.  

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Vandy's James Franklin who is being raked over the coals for comments he made on 3HL that weren't controversial at all. One of the downsides of 3HL being one of the highest rated sports talks shows in the country is that some media now listens to our show to turn what's said into immediate news stories without including the context of comments or the full audio. We didn't get a single email or phone call complaining about Franklin's comments from actual listeners.

Not one.  

Putting that in to context, when I first started on 3HL we used to get angry emails every show. 

Now people get the show, we're all sitting around having a good time, you can relax, it's sport entertainment, a fun bar conversation brought to radio. 

Any one of us could be hung if you took two sentences out of a thirty minute conversation and turned it into a news story. 

In the same interview Franklin also talked about how funny he thought our wikipedia marriage was and commented on my beautiful hazel eyes. He was having fun and actually talking like a real person. Then he got killed for joking around with us. 

Just ridiculous. 

That's why I always link full interviews on here if I quote from 3HL. 

It sucks that many media didn't do that with Franklin's comments. 

Basically, take it from me, if you read OKTC or listen to 3HL you would like James Franklin. 

He's an awful lot like you and me. 

Which is why this picture I attached to today's mailbag is so funny. We staged it at the spring meetings to have some fun with the Wikipedia marriage talk.

He's a regular guy who talks like a regular guy. Why do we have to turn him in to a boring politician coach as well? 

Anyway, on to the mailbag. 

@ccmilani writes:

"How accurate are the reports that the B12 won't gain additional TV revenue by adding more teams?"

Completely inaccurate. 

If the Big 12 expands and adds Florida State and another ACC team then, at minimum, the payout to the league would increase by around $40 million.

Why?

Because the cardinal rule of expansion is that no league is expanding and lessening the amount of money it distributes to existing members.

That's why the Big 12 isn't adding Louisville or Cincinnati.

If the Big 12 added either of these schools there is no way ESPN is paying $20 million per team for these two schools.

Hell, right now the Big East may be getting, at best, $8 or $9 million for a deal that includes these teams.

Even if you assume that Louisville and Cincinnati are the high end of Big East TV values, that means they're probably worth $12 million or so.

So there's no way their value nearly doubles in the Big 12.

But anyone arguing that Florida State, or Miami, or Notre Dame, or Clemson -- in conjunction with FSU -- wouldn't be worth at least $20 million a year, the current payout for a tean team Big 12, is a fool.

Don't believe them.

Justin writes: 

What happens if the SEC can't come to an agreement with CBS or ESPN on its new television deal?

It goes to a three-team arbitrator. 

The SEC would select one arbitrator, the TV network selects one, and there's one independent choice. 

Majority rules. 

I don't think it could get to this, but many are baffled by CBS's recalcitrance when it comes to increasing the amount it pays now that Missouri and Texas A&M are in the league. 

Why are many baffled?

Because CBS has the best television deal in sports. 

For just $55 million a year CBS gets to pick the top game every week in the SEC. It also gets one double header and the SEC title game. 

At least half of the time those are the best games of the week in college football. 

That's less than $5 million per game. 

Putting that in to perspective, ESPN pays $110 million per Monday Night Football Game. 

Good lord. 

ESPN would love to have every SEC game. 

If CBS has to pay around $70 million a year for the SEC it's still an absolute steal for the network. 

Anonymous writes:

Please don't use my name, but settle a debate, at what age do you become a dirty old man?

Now that I'm 33 I've started wondering about this too. 

For instance, I have two interns this summer, Abby and Justin. (Yes, OKTC is just like Kramerica). Justin is a recent UT grad and Abby will be going to Auburn this fall. 

So Abby's 18. 

The other day I was looking at my 4 year old and it occurred to me that he is closer in age to Abby -- and every other entering college freshman -- than I am. 

I'm 15 years older than all entering college freshmen while he's just 14 years younger. 

This floored me.

So I think it's by age scale.

That is, the girl you are checking out defines your dirty old mandom. 

Because being a dirty old man really means you have zero chance of the girl being interested in you at all. 

I mean, zero. 

Dirty old men are the ones who don't even disguise the fact they're looking. 

Plus, no matter how old you are the girl has to be 18 or over. Or at least clearly look like she's over 18 for you to notice her. (I'm putting in this criteria because the older you get the less age distinction you can discern. Plus, there's often a negligible distinction these days between how a 16 year old and a 22 year old girl dresses. After a week on the beaches here I'm so glad I don't have any daughters yet.)

With those caveats here's my sliding dirty old man scale:

If you're under the age of 30:

It'ss impossible for you to be a dirty old man.

If you're between the ages of 30-40:

18 and up is fair game, but no normal 18-21 year old girl has any interest whatsoever in you.

Trust me, 30 is old, really old, to a 21 year old girl. 

There's always somebody in college with the "old" boyfriend. He's usually like 26.

No one dates a 30 year old.

No one.  

(For purposes of this analysis I'm excluding really rich men who buy girls).

If you're between the ages of 40-50:

If the girl is younger than 27 you have become a dirty old man. 

27 and older is fair game.

If you're between the ages of 50-60:

If the girl is younger than 32, you have become a dirty old man.

If she is older than 32, she's fair game.

If you're over 60:

You are officially a dirty old man no matter how old the woman is.

Is this a fair scale? 

I think so. 

@blueandorangeKT writes:

"What happens if the top 3 or 4 teams in the "top 4 seeds semifinals" happen to all be from the SEC?"

Great question. 

I think this is the secret fear of the Pac 12 and the Big Ten. Not that the SEC could end up with two teams in the playoff, but that it could end up with three. 

Four is pretty much impossible. 

But there's a definite possibility that the SEC could snag, say, the 1, 2, and 4 seeds in the final standings. 

How so?

By having four top teams from two different divisions. That way you could finish the season with two undefeated teams and two 11-1 teams.  

Let's take 2011 as an illustrative example. 

Imagine if Georgia doesn't lose to Boise State to open the season. Say they play a mediocre team, but win that opener. 

Then South Carolina beats Auburn, as it should have, you'd have had two 11-1 teams in the SEC East an 11-1 team from the SEC West, Alabama, and a 12-0 team, LSU, also from the SEC West.

Say LSU beats South Carolina in the SEC title game. (If LSU lost to South Carolina, there's a good chance 1, 2, and 4 would also have been from the SEC).

There's a very good chance that LSU is one, Alabama is two, Georgia is four, Arkansas is six and South Carolina is 7.

Yep, five of the top seven in the BCS for the SEC came really damn close to happening last year. 

That's why I don't think two is the real fear, I think three is.