All That and a Bag of Mail: Which Disney Princess Is The Hottest Edition?

Published on: January 11, 2013 | Written by: Clay Travis

I'm writing this from Disney World.

More specifically I'm writing this from Disney's Animation Village, sitting on a Mater-inspired leather couch with a Lightning McQueen table. So, basically, this room is heaven for both my boys. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Katherine Webb, who will be posing in Sports Illustrated, presumably the swimsuit edition, soon.

If she gets a painted on bikini whatever you do, you can't look at her in this bikini without being prepared to issue a formal apology. Seriously, think about how crazy this is, Brent Musburger got raked over the coals for saying she was beautiful and now she's posing in a magazine for tens of millions of people to ogle her in a bikini. 

Will Sports Illustrated apologize for putting her in a swimsuit?

Yeah, didn't think so.  

On to the mailbag.

I was deluged by dads and moms who wanted me to rank the princesses for hotness. I mean, absolutely deluged by these emails. As in,, there has never been a non-sports question that was asked more frequently in the mailbag. This leads me to believe that just about every single dad you see walking around Disney World is secretly ranking the princesses in terms of hotness.
 
So here goes with the four best versions of the same question:

Todd H. writes:

"I have two little girls so I get my share of the Disney princesses when I go to Disney. My top three were, Pocahontas, Tinkerbell and the Belle that reads at Belle’s story time. Pocahontas was an actual Native American girl and was a total smoke show. She really took to my daughter which gave me extra time to do the same with her. The Belle that reads at Belle’s story time, looked like the girl next door. Think brunette Rachael McAdams. Tinkerbell was a college cheerleader. There is no doubt in my mind. She had the build and acted like a cheerleader that just finished a 5 hour energy bender. Unfortunately, I’m at work and do not have the photos to share. I need your ranking as you see them."
 
Justin H. writes:
 
"I know you’re not typically one to objectify women, but how would you rank the Disney princesses (yes, I know they’re not all princesses) in terms of hotness?"
 
Steve writes:
 
"Since you are at Disney with the family and your wife pulled a Musburger when describing Cinderella to your kids, if given the opportunity, which of the Disney Princesses would you choose to sleep with? Snow White? Sleeping Beauty? Keep in mind the baggage that comes along with each princess (i.e. the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty being asleep, etc.)"
 
David O. writes:
 
"If you had to re-populate the world by Disney princesses (Belle, Ariel, Cinderella, Snow White etc) in what order would you rank them?"
  
Ask and ye shall receive.  
 
1. Ariel
 
Let's be honest, you've got a smoking hot redhead who, it would appear at least, is capable of getting a suntan. Or at least of going outside without getting sunburned in ten minutes. Do you know how rare this is? Every red-headed person I've ever known is obsessed with sun screen. This is because every redhead is like a day-walking vampire. For instance, if you surprised a red head with a trip to an afternoon baseball game and they didn't have sunscreen with them, I think they would die.  
 
Ariel's an absolute smoke show and she doesn't die, vampire like, in the sun.
 
Plus, my two-year old is in love with her.
 
I don't blame him.
 
Also, how hot are Ariel's sisters. King Triton is like a modern day version of Gisele Bundchen's dad.
 
2. Jasmine
 
Even a gay Muslim like me is in love with Jasmine.
 
Aladdin pulled off one of the greatest Outkicks in Disney history. He's a street rat -- literally, they made a song calling him this -- who is about to get his arm chopped off for stealing fruit in the beginning of the movie who finds a way to marry the smoking hot princess of the kingdom.
 
Well played, Aladdin, well played.
 
3. Belle
 
I love Belle because she's hot and she's the only Disney princess we're aware of who actually reads books. Plus, once you hear that opening song about her being a most peculiar mademoiselle, you will be humming it for the rest of your vacation.
 
Also, is it just me or is Gaston awesome as the bad guy? I love him.
 
There's a new statue of him in the Magic Kingdom with a placard in front of it that says this statue was presented by Gaston for the residents of the town.
 
I can totally see Dan Mullen doing this, buying his own statue and presenting it to the residents of Starkville.
 
4. Pocahontas
 
Did you know that Pochahontas's native american name translates as "naughty one?"
 
This is a good start.
 
Plus, according to the Pochahontas Disney wikipedia page, yes, I really read this, "Pocahontas is also the first (and only) Disney Princess to have two love interests. However, most media, including the Disney Princess franchise, keep John Smith and Pocahontas as an official couple, completely ignoring John Rolfe. This is generally because Rolfe is exclusive to the direct-to-video sequel."
 
This media doesn't ignore that second relationship! (I love that there's a relationship conspiracy involved here.)
 
Having a direct-to-video new man is the Disney princess equivalent of a sex tape. 
 
So, basically, Pocahontas is a slut.
 
Score.
 
5. Cinderella
 
An oldie, but a goodie.
 
Somewhere along the way Disney decided that a blonde princess was too cliche, so there are no other blonde princesses. Which means Cinderella has got the blonde princess franchise locked up. As Disney princesses go, this is like owning the Dallas Cowboys.
 
6. Mulan
 
An Asian princess!
 
This ranks number one for every man with a post-graduate degree on the east coast.
 
I can honestly say, though, that I had no idea this movie existed. So I had to pull up screenshots and analyze the relative hotness of a cartoon princess. And then I thought, yep, I really do this for a living.
 
7. Snow White
 
Fun fact about Snow White -- she actually stars in tons of comedy porno movies illustrated by the original Disney animators in the 1930's. I read a great biography of Walt Disney a while back, you can buy it here, and one of the ways the original animators released the crushing stress of 16 hour days in unairconditioned animation studios was by making animated porno movies starring Snow White.
 
Really.
 
Also, you want to know the great big pair of brass balls on Walt Disney?
 
He double-mortgaged his house to make sure he had the money to release Snow White.
 
Imagine convincing your wife of that move, "Honey, I'm making this talking cartoon film that's two hours long about Snow White. Sure, no one has ever made a full-length talking cartoon before, but I think it's a really, really good idea. So much of a good idea that I'm double mortgaging our house to do it. You and the girls will be fine!"
 
8. Aurora
 
This is the princess from Sleeping Beauty.
 
She always seemed really mean and unlikeable to me.
 
Also, you didn't know her real name either.
 
9.  Tiana
 
I'm ranking her here because I have no idea who she is.
 
I went to the Disney Princess wikipedia page and evidently there was a Disney movie called, "The Princess and the Frog."
 
After I wrote these first two sentences about Tiana, my wife said I have seen this movie and it's the one set in New Orleans where the -- SPOILER ALERT -- lightning bug dies at the end of the movie and I had to spend an hour talking about death and trying to get my then-three year old son to stop crying.
 
So I'm blaming Tiana for this entire episode.
 
Why didn't you save the lightning bug, Tiana, you cold-hearted bitch?
 
Why, why, why, why!
 
10. Rapunzel
 
Just what you need, a princess who is obsesssed with her hair.
 
I'm sure this relationship is ending poorly. 
 
...
 
When I read my wife these Disney princess rankings rankings she said, "I agree with Ariel at number one, she's the hottest, but you've totally underranked Snow White. She's like the Bettie Page of the princesses, she has to be number two at the worst."
 
Debate amongst yourselves at work, you're not working anyway.
 
Sarah B. writes:
 
"Which Disney princess is the hottest? And even with her world-wide fame do you think she would go after Manziel or McCarron if she had the opportunity?"
 
See my above rankings. (And it wasn't just men, a bunch of women wanted me to rank the princesses too).
 
And Ariel, the hottest princess, would totally go after Johnny Manziel first.
 
Hand's down.
 
Speaking as a gay Muslim, McCarron is actually really good looking. He'd do well for himself as a regular Bama undergrad. Conversely, Manziel is not attractive. Meaning Manziel has amazing game. Both on and off the field. So Manziel would have Ariel tossing off her shell bikini in no time.
 
Steve D.
 
"How successful would a Disney champagne room for the dads starring Jasmine and Ariel be?"
 
I just asked my wife if she'd be willing to double-mortgage the house to start this strip club.
 
Her response was, "Gross,"
 
What can I say, I'm no Walt Disney.
 
Brad B. writes:
 
"With the recent news of Brian Kelly interviewing with the NFL, along with the rumors every year of Nick Saban heading there as well, I must ask. If the University of Alabama told their fan base that it must raise cash to keep Saban, how much donation money would roll in from fans, alumni, and boosters to keep him? Am I wrong in guessing the number would be insane?"
 
You're completely correct that it would be an insane amount of money.
 
I think Bama fans could raise $75 million or more.
 
For instance, what if Nick Saban just pulled a figurative ransom on the fan base and said, "I'm going to retire unless Alabama fans can raise $100 million dollars in the next year. Fifty million of this money will go to my favorite charity, the other fifty million is for me to coach four more years."
 
Don't you think Bama fans would raise $100 million in a heartbeat?
 
Put simply, what else do most Bama fans have to live for?
 
The better question is one we raised in the mailbag a while back, why don't all the other SEC schools just band together and pay off Saban to retire?
 
Isn't this actually more efficient than trying to find someone who can beat him?
 
Texas lawyer writes:
 
"Clay, even at Disney World you can rank hot women. As you know many of the workers at Epcot's World Showcase are from the nations represented there. If you're stuck at a long dinner and show in one of the pavilions, which country's girls are the hottest & best hosts? My ranking of the girls of Epcot: 1) France, 2) Norway, 3) Germany, with Japan as Miss Congeniality."
 
I'm convinced that if most men were en route to the death chamber and we were being escorted by multiple women to that death chamber that we'd all be ranking the women in our head.
 
Just in case we got a stay of execution.
 
I keep waiting for an inmate to be strapped into his seat and when the woman leans over and says, "Do you have any final words?" he says, "Yes, you are the third best looking prison guard behind Tiffany and Krystal."
 
One of my buddies ranks women, and I'm not making this up, on every elevator ride he gets on. As if the world might end and he might be required to repopulate the earth with only the people in his elevator, who would have miraculously survived the apocalypse.
 
Down in Miami I was in the cab with a guy who works in New York City and he confessed that as he walks from Penn Station to his office he counts how many women he would love to sleep with on the walk to work.
 
Every single day he does this.
 
"Six is a really good day," he said.
 
My belief is that all men secretly do this, but very few ever confess to it. (Ladies, I'm sure whoever you date or have married never does this. Ever. Your man is the exception).
 
Adam G. writes:
 
"My biggest take-away from Disney was that America is even fatter and lazier than I thought based on one thing - nearly getting run over by a scooter ten times a day. When did the shame of being too fat or too lazy to walk go away?"

Better question, when did being insanely fat become a handicap? Why should you get to go to the front of the line because you can't stop eating? You can't create your own handicap and then profit from it. This should be illegal.  
 
Furthermore, why should you get to motor past me while your fat ass is eating cotton candy and drinking a jumbo Coke from the handicap roller? You're actually making your handicap worse! This is like a man with no legs sawing off his thigh. Anyway, the fat person eating fatty foods motored past us while we were in line for, "It's a Small World."
 
The rest of us get screwed because we do have self-control.
 
Also, piggybacking on your question as it pertains to being lazy, I remember my grandparents refusing to be put in a cart even though they clearly could have used the cart when they were over eighty years old. Older people back then used to have so much self-respect that even when they were clearly old enough to need the help they would refuse it and soldier on without the help.
 
Point is, they had pride.
 
Most people today have none.
 
This ties in with a second question which arrived independent of the first.
 
Chad M. writes:
 
"Does (allowing fat people on scooters to skip the lines) encourage really huge people to loiter by the Disney entrance and rent their companionship for the day to families that don't want to return six hours later for a turn on the Soarin' ride?"
 
There's a real business opportunity here.
 
Rent a fatty.
 
Thanks to no lines you could knock out every Disney ride in like four hours.
 
I might double mortgage my house to start this business.
 
Bart B. writes:
 
"My wife has been begging me to take my two boys to Disney World. I've been avoiding it. Big question, do they sell beer?"
 
The second most commonly asked question was do they serve beer.
 
Yes, is the answer.
 
They ought to sell hallucinogenic drugs too. Can you imagine the electric light parade then?  
 
Matt R. writes:
 
"My wife and I have a disagreement. She is of the belief that AJ McCarron has outkicked his coverage with his girlfriend Katherine Webb. She cites that (at least to her) AJ McCarron is not all that attractive and Webb is beautiful. However, I say Webb has outkicked her coverage. McCarron is a two time National Champion QB at Alabama, which basically makes Webb royalty by association in her respective home state. It can only go downhill at this point for Webb, while there is still a possiblity that things can still go up for AJ, espeically with NFL fortunes in his futue. Or, am I missing the point entirely and have both AJ McCarron and Katherine Webb outkicked their coverage? Is it possible for both parties in a relationship to do this?
 
I love that your wife and I have divergent opinions of AJ McCarron's looks.
 
I think he's a pretty good looking guy.
 
Which means I don't think he's outkicked his coverage. There are tons of pretty girls in Alabama, McCarron's girlfriend being unattractive would be a tremendous upset. Yes, Webb's beautiful, but is she demonstrably hotter than, say, the twenty hottest sorority girls at Alabama?
 
No way.
 
Plus, McCarron's talent is much rarer. It's a lot harder to find a good quarterback than it is to find a hot girl.
 
Finally, you've raised an interesting metaphysical question, is it possible for both paries to outkick their coverage? This is like trying to figure out what happens if a snake starts eating its own tail. (Thinking about this makes me dizzy).
 
I think the answer is no because if the two most beautiful, most brilliant people on earth ended up together -- who would this couple be? -- we'd just say that they were a perfect match, right?
 
It's impossible for the most desirable people to outkick their coverage because they can't outkick. It's impossible.
 
Ashton writes:
 
"What are the odds the Webb-McCarron match will stand the test of time? Three milestones here: Two years, marriage, and still married at death.

I say 70% chance together at two yrs. 50% chance married. And 10% chance together at death.

Also, what're the odds she would stay with him if he got a career ending injury before being drafted? I say she drops him like that cheerleader in Varsity Blues."

Your odds are way too high.

Even if they hadn't become huge celebrities, they've only been dating a month. How many college relationships that are at one month's duration last two years? A tiny percentage, right? Toss in the fact that each member of this couple will have abundant other options and they don't live in the same town, and I put it at virtually zero.

So my odds:

Two years? 2%

Married: .05%

Together at death: 0%

Dating him with a career ending injury before the draft? 0% (Better question, would he care if she pulled off the whipped cream bikini at some point in their relationship? I think probably not.)

Michael S. writes:

"Since Katherine Webb is an Auburn grad, imagine if she ended the relationship Iron Bowl week and showed up on be sidelines with Bo Jackson, and Auburn somehow won. This scenario makes Harvey Updyke's deal look like some high schoolers making prank calls, doesn't it? After discussing this with several Bama fans here in Huntsville, it's an honest-to-God, legitimate concern."

Now that you've suggested it, I'm pretty much sure of this is how the McCarron-Webb relationship will end.

It's the SEC.

Auburn might even let Webb sing the national anthem at this year's Iron Bowl if they'd broken up.

Okay, back to Disney World.

I'll say hi to Ariel for y'all.

Spectacular questions this week, seriously, spectacular.