Commentating the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

Published on: December 04, 2012 | Written by: Meredith Hornsby

If you played the OKTC CBS Drinking Game on Saturday and did not pass out in a drunken stupor by the end of the first half, you must have an impressive alcohol tolerance. Listening to ol’ Verne and Gary call a game might not be many fans’ idea of a great time, but it’s impossible not to find humor in their announcing. 

Anyone who’s watched Alabama football this season has had the joy of listening to the Un-Dynamic Duo call almost every single game. Their play-by-play screw-ups, inability to pronounce players’ names, constant discussions of “how everything will play out” in the BCS (including pretty pictures Danielson will occasionally draw to “telestrate” his point), and random, tourettes-style interjections make for a hysterical three hours of 24 carat comedy gold. And, let’s be honest, it takes some dedication on their part to be consistent enough to warrant your own drinking game.

Tonight, CBS will be airing a different type of event: The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The Angels of the lingerie world strutted their stuff in November of this year, and CBS will be showing the Fashion Show in its entirety at 9/8 Central tonight. No, I don’t work for CBS – I just want to be sure my readers are well-informed. You’re welcome.
 
You might be thinking “Why is this chick talking about football and then jumping to models in skimpy clothes?”
 
One: I can’t think of a better combination of things to discuss. And if you can, I’m surprised you found this website at all.
 
Two: What would it sound like if the CBS A-team that is Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson called the play-by-plays of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show? What vocal gems and mental pictures would we be lucky enough to hear?
 
I like to think it would be something like this:
 
Verne:  “Well Gary, here we are in New York at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. We have 2 thousand dollars…er…people…in attendance tonight, and millions more watching at home.”
 
Gary:  “Yes Verne, this really is the pinnacle of fashion world. Only the very elite models will walk the runway tonight."
 
Verne:  “We have a great lineup for you, with favorites such as Miranda Kerr, Adriana Lima, Tim Tebow and Candace Swanepoel vying for the chance to wear that 2.5 million dollar fantasy bra.”
 
Gary:  “Err…Verne…Tim Tebow won’t be in attendance tonight.”
 
Verne:  “How can this even be considered an event without Tebow?”
 
***Show Starts***
 
Verne: “Oh my….Here comes Brazilian beauty Alessandra Ambrosio wearing this season’s <<clears throat>> thong panty and Secret Push Up bra.”
 
Gary: “That doesn’t look like the strongest of strings holding that thong there, Verne. Keep in mind that this is one of the weakest threads in the lingerie world. I’d be worried about allowing for early penetration in the box by a strong opponent.”
 
Verne: “Do you remember when Johnny Manziel dressed up as Scooby Doo for Halloween?” <<Chortle>> "Oh my gracious!"  
 
Gary (ignoring Verne): “Look at the construction of the bra, here. Let me draw it out. The underwire forms a perfect U-shape, allowing for that extra boost of confidence right before the start of the date. It connects with the straps to form a perfect holding pattern.”
 
Verne: “Next up is Miranda Kerr, wife of actor Rolando Broom.”
 
Gary: “That’s Orlando Bloom.”
 
Verne: “Miranda is wearing a lace teddy with jewel details…Oh my gracious…”
 
Gary: “The problem with here is that the model isn’t moving down the runway swiftly enough, and the jewels are very low on the bodice. When you get down to this area, you really just have to start pounding it.  Look at the back of the outfit. It really only works when you’re using a formation with a solid tight-end. Geesh.”
 
Verne: “Let’s take a quick break to enjoy the musical stylings of a young man who has captured the hearts of America, Mr. Justin Woodchuck. I mean Beaver.”
 
I mean, can you imagine?!? The entire night would be full of innuendo and gloriously terrible descriptions of bras & panties. We would be able to actually hear the embarrassment and confusion in their voices as they talked about outfits “coming at the blind side from behind”, models “going all the way” and how the model manages to change her clothes and “gets it off just in time”.
 
Tonight, let’s pretend that the modern day Muppet hecklers are commenting on each of the outfits, as well as the models’ style and positions on the runway.
 
I will be watching the Fashion Show tonight, live-tweeting Gary and Verne style, and I’d love for you to join me.  Twitter: @NachoMamaBGID.
 
BALL'S OUT!!!