Disturbing Sports Hypotheticals
Published on: November 29, 2012 | Written by: AaronCB
One of the most annoying things some women subject their men to are constant hypothetical questions. Most of which start with "Would you still be with me if..." or "Would you still love me if..." The only option that doesn't lead to a fight is to tell them what they want to hear. I got pretty lucky in this area. My wife never subjects me to these. She, on the other hand, didn't get so lucky.
I know this isn't the most masculine behavior but she makes it such a fun and informative experience because she thinks critically about them and answers as honestly as she can. And I know she is being honest because she not only asks specifics about the question, but she also almost never answers the way I want her to.
No matter how stupid the question she stops everything and gives it her full attention. I asked her if I had some head trauma and was consequently only able to say the phrase "That's my butt" for the rest of my life, would she leave me? After some deep thought she said she would make an effort for a while but would almost definitely end up leaving eventually. When I asked what the absolute worst thing she would do for me was, she said nothing that would get her jail time. But when I asked what she would do if someone killed our cat, she said she would kill him but try to get away with it.
You can learn a lot about yourself and your relationships with hypothetical questions. For example, I have learned my wife is far more attached to our cat than to me. The cat hypothetical also illustrated how love can make you do crazy things, which made me wonder what crazy things I would do for love. And I'm not talking about my love for my wife. I'm talking about my love for my sports teams.
As a 30 year old Kansas City, Missouri sports fan, love isn't the only thing that would make me do something crazy, starvation also factors in. The Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou have left their fans wanting every year since I've been old enough to remember. Would you steal a loaf of bread for your starving franchise? These could help spark some conversation next time you're watching a game that gets out of hand. It may also help you learn which of your friends and family are a little disturbed, which are completely boring, and which are full of crap.
1. What illness would you contract in order to make your team a blue blood for the rest of your life? If they are a blue blood, what would you take to prevent them from becoming a middle of the pack team? (a severe flu, herpes, anything fatal...)
2. What body part would you give up for the above scenario? (your hair, a toe, a finger, any limb...)
3. You have the power to give something to your rival team's fan base. What do you give them? (diarrhea, the flu, herpes, 12 Monkeys virus...)
4. There is a box. It has a single button. If you press that button, you, your child, or future child will become a hall of fame professional athlete but someone you don't know will die. Do you press that button?
5. Genie scenario: You have 3 and only 3 wishes. How many involve world peace or the well being of others and how many involve sports?
6. It is playoff time or bowl season and you are riding in a car with your team's best player. You get pulled over and the cops find two pounds of his marijuana in the trunk. Do you take the blame so he doesn't get suspended?
7. It is almost time for a big game and you have to lie and tell someone that their mother is dead. You must choose either your team's star player or the person you love most. And the truth won't be revealed to them for 4 hours. Who do you lie to?
8. What is the worst thing you would do to a 6 year old in order to get your team a championship? (tell them Santa isn't real, slap the ice cream out of their hand, burn their toys...)
9. What would you be willing to blow off if your team was in the championship game that day? (someone close's wedding, someone close's funeral, the birth of your child...)
10. If there is a legendary player or coach who you have loved and admired for most of your life, what is the most horrific thing they can do, or look the other way from, where you would still support them?
If you like this article, check out my new book.