All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mai...

All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked t...

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey

A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DR...

A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT

Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
Should Tallahassee Police...

Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?

Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
Johnny Manziel Introduces...

Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game

Featured Story

Okay, it's mailbag time.

I'm presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I've been afraid I'd lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn't speak loud enough. Right now I'm in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

"Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don't quite match - meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change."

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in "One Hundred Years of Solitude:" “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

I mean, that's just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I've always been a big reader -- you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? -- and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he's ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don't even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

Latest Articles

I don't have a daughter, but if I did I'm pretty confident my expression would look just like Gene Chizik's on prom night.

This might be the greatest SEC football coach picture since Steve Spurrier went to Talladega and drank beer shirtless on the top of an RV. The picture's perfect in every way, the angry arms crossed, the fact that Chizik is wearing UnderArmour on top of another UnderArmour long sleeve -- as he's contractually required to do until the day he dies -- the subtle bicep flex that suggests, "I will choke you to death if your hand moves either north or south of my daughter's hip," it's all perfect.

Everything about this photo is just perfect. 

Chizik is every dad on prom night ever. 

We really need to photoshop unimpressed Chizik into all sorts of other world events. Beginning with the Gus Malzahn introductory press conference at Auburn.  

This photo comes courtesy of the prom date's mom, who Tweeted it last night along with this comment: "You think my son will come home from prom alive? #chizz" 

Chizik's daughter is sixteen years old and judging from the fact that there were no murders in Auburn, Alabama last night, prom seems to have gone swimmingly. 

Butch Jones Dances and Welcome Back Bud Light

Written by: Clay Travis

So today after practice Tennessee football coach Butch Jones decided it was time that everyone finally see his dance moves. 

And, let's be honest, who hasn't wanted to see Butch Jones dance?

This is what 14 early enrollees in the freshmen class will do for you. 

I've got to be honest with you, Butch Jones crushes Mike Gundy as a white man dancer. 

I mean, totally destroys him. 

See for yourself.

By Josh Parcell

On Wednesday, the New England Patriots reportedly hosted Johnny Manziel and Teddy Bridgewater in Foxboro ahead of next month’s NFL Draft.

This is literally the greatest news ever.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But Josh, how can the Patriots possibly think that Manziel would ever fall to them with the 29th pick?” 

It's Final Four weekend, the weather is finally decent, and you're pretending to work while reading the mailbag. 

Can life get much better? Sure, you could be the Bama fan who took his baby to the Nick Saban statue and offered it up as a sacrifice to ensure that no loss to Gus Malzahn ever happens again. 

Also, life can get even better because you can make more money off my NCAA tourney picks. I'm on a terrific roll betting every NCAA tourney game this year. So far I'm 37-21-3, which has totally blown Todd Fuhrman's mind. This means I only have three more games to bet. 

What are my picks this weekend?

Kentucky -1.5 and Florida -6.5

Yep, I think we're headed for an all-SEC title game, this time in basketball. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is David Letterman. I grew up watching him. And while I no longer watch any late night television at all, he was, and probably always will be, the best at what he did.   

As always, your questions were outstanding. Here we go. 

Johnny Manziel Is Ghetto

Written by: Clay Travis

Johnny Manziel plays like a "black" quarterback. Deep down, a great deal of the animosity that Manziel has provoked has come for this reason, because lots of white people don't like the way Manziel carries himself both on and off the field. I wrote and talked about this back in September, but most media has been afraid to touch the fault line. Until this morning, when Deion Sanders suplexed the racial fault line on the Tom Joyner Show with guest host Roland Martin. and came out and said, "Oh, please. I love Johnny Football. See, the reason people won’t accept Johnny Football is because Johnny Football has ghetto tendencies. I love Johnny Football," 

Then Prime Time continued, executing a Hulk Hogan leg drop on the racial faul line when he was asked to explain what he meant by "ghetto tendencies."

"Because he was successful, he made it, and he let you all know he made it, and he was cocky, he was flamboyant, and he let you know."

Roland Martin, a fellow Johnny Manziel fan, then stepped in and said, "So he was a white Prime Time coming out of college."

Deion continued, "Thank you. And I love him. I love him. They had the music playing when he came in. Put his whole equipment up, who go out there all do your pro day with all your equipment on? That’s some hula stuff, I love Johnny Football." 

The Prancing Elites are a gay male dance team in Alabama. They marched in the Mobile Christmas parade and it did not go well.

So Tosh.0 decided they needed web redemption and brought them out to Hollywood. 

The entire thing is pretty hysterical, but when he asks them whether they are Alabama or Auburn fans, I nearly lost it. 

Enjoy.  

In case you're wondering, the prancing elites predict gay marriage will be legal in Alabama in 3000. 

Outkick Gear Contest Winner

Written by: Clay Travis

This spring we instituted our first Outkick the Coverage gear photo contest. You send us pictures wearing Outkick gear, we give you cash. It's our way of giving back to you guys for being so supportive of the site. We'll keep the contest rolling on a monthly basis, cash prizes for the best pictures of our gear that you Tweet, email, or pass along on Facebook. Basically, if you get us the picture, and it's entertaining, creative, sexy, the opposite of sexy, whatever you can do to make me think, "We have to put that picture up," then you win money.

So congrats to our winner, who requested that her name not be put on the website, but we thank her all the same.   

She told me she's trying to make the underboob happen. It's a bold quest. 

You can buy Outkick gear here.

In other important news that I'm going to bold because it matters so much:

We're also continuing to expand our outreach on writing for the site.

As Outkick has continued to grow, I've given you guys the opportunity to write for the site. Right now we're in the process of transitioning to the Foxsports.com servers. As a result the Bullpen is presently down for submitting articles there, but we're still paying writers. All you need to do is write your column and email it to lorioktc@gmail.com. She's the editor. You can email me, but I won't read it, I'll just forward it to her and let her make the decision about whether or not it goes up. 

If Lori likes it, your article could be up by the end of the day.

Don't query us with ideas, just write. You can write anything, it can deal with sports or non-sports, you can be a man, woman or a gay Muslim. It doesn't matter. We just want smart, original and funny articles. What we don't want is anything you could ever read in a newspaper.

Think creatively.

Entertain us.

You read the site, you know what you like to read, write stories that we'll enjoy.   

We've gotten a lot of great submissions, but we need more. 

Last week at Johnny Manziel's pro day, Outkick's hero, aka Tim Tebow with the poon-chasing gene, chose to go through his workout while rapping along with Drake songs. Now Drake has returned the favor, releasing a new song entitled, "Draft Day," with shoutouts to Johnny Manziel and Andrew Wiggins. 

The cover art for the new song?

Johnny Manziel receiving kisses from two girls in bikinis at the same time, an image that Drake liked enough to turn into a t-shirt. 

So what's the song sound like?

Here you go. 

Derek Mason has been the new head football coach at Vanderbilt University for just a few months. For over a generation one off-campus tradition has been to paint a mural of the head coach on the side of a local business. Generally this occurs without controversy. Until, that is, the local chapter of the Vanderbilt NAACP took issue with the painting and started a petition to have it changed. The issue?

"We realized it was reminiscent of the minstrelsy era in which black people's skin was darkened and their lips were made whiter in order to exaggerate their race in order to put them in a sharp contrast with the white race," said Akailah Harris, president of the Vanderbilt chapter of the NAACP told the Tennessean newspaper. "In the mural, his skin is black, not brown, and his lips are white. It doesn't look like him."

Now comes the redo.

Of course, the murals have never been entirely accurate reflections, Vanderbilt basketball coach Kevin Stallings bears an unflattering resemblance to Sloth from "Goonies," but up to this point there's been no suggestion that there was any connection to minstrelsy. 

According to an NLRB ruling Northwestern's football players are employees who can join a union and negotiate for better benefits than they presently receive. You can read my analysis of that ruling here. Northwestern plans an appeal of the ruling and if the appeal board upholds the ruling that football players are employees then they would likely take the case to federal court and challenge the opinion there. So far every Northwestern response has been premised on the school fighting the designation rather than bargaining in good faith with the union, as they are required to do under federal law. Which leaves me with an interesting question -- why can't Northwestern just accept the ruling and negotiate with its players on a new scholarship plan?

If Northwestern did this, irony of all ironies, the Wildcats would be able to offer legal benefits that no other school could offer. What if, say, Northwestern agreed to give players $10k cash a year and better medical coverage? Ten thousand dollars per player would equate to $850,000 a year. That's a drop in the bucket given Big Ten football revenues. Better medical coverage would, honestly, cost the university virtually nothing since it already treats all medical issues in-house.

In the process Northwestern would save millions in court costs, years of legal fighting against its own players, and, most significantly, would gain a recruiting advantage over every other school in the country.   

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