All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
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All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked t...

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey

A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
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Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
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Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
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Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game

Featured Story

Okay, it's mailbag time.

I'm presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I've been afraid I'd lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn't speak loud enough. Right now I'm in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

"Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don't quite match - meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change."

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in "One Hundred Years of Solitude:" “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

I mean, that's just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I've always been a big reader -- you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? -- and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he's ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don't even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

Latest Articles

By Nick Pritchard

The following is an all too real conversation between my group of friends:

Scenarios 1 and 2: 

BC: Suppose one of us could play running back on Dan’s middle school football team. Would we score every time we touched the ball?

BG: Yes. Are you really asking if a decently in shape 28 year old man could run over 13 year old children? Let me ask you another question. Does Dylan Moses play for Dan’s team?

BC: No

One of the biggest mysteries surrounding former Auburn football player Mike McNeil has been this, why did he wait until one week before his scheduled trial date to suddenly tell his side of the story to Selena Roberts?

It doesn't make much sense, particularly because many of the jurors in his criminal trial are likely to be Auburn fans. Why alienate those jurors by going after the university that those jurors probably support? It doesn't make any sense at all to put the most popular employer on trial in an effort to prove that you didn't commit a robbery. It would appear to be foolhardy in the extreme, completely and totally idiotic.

But that, apparently, is part of McNeil's defense strategy for his upcoming robbery trial, to argue that Auburn is partly to blame.

I guess you have to throw up some legal hail marys when the police pull over your car minutes after the robbery and find you and three other men with stolen objects. 

So how will McNeil make his case? 

OKTC has obtained the 33 person subpoena'd witness list for McNeil's trial; the list features at least seven former members of the Auburn Tigers football team. Three of the players on the witness list were also charged with armed robbery alongside McNeil. 

Those seven players are: Deangelo Benton, Anthony Morgan, Shaun Kitchens, Dakota Mosley, Neiko Thorpe, a current Kansas City Chief, Michael Dyer, who has since transferred from Auburn and is seeking to enroll at another school for the 2013 season, and Antonio Goodwin. 

Kitchens, Mosley, and Goodwin were also charged alongside McNeil in the 2011 armed robbery. Goodwin has already been of armed robbery after a 2012 trial. His defense? That he'd been smoking synthetic marijuana before the crime and was not responsible for his actions. 

Goodwin is currently serving 15 years in jail.  

It's Friday and Auburn fans are under siege in the mailbag.

It's like Groundhog Day at Outkick the Coverage. 

I forgot what it was like to have Auburn fans ripping me on Twitter. And to have Alabama fans loving me. It's amazing how brilliant I am in Tuscaloosa when I'm making fun of Auburn and it's amazing how brilliant I am in Auburn when I'm making fun of Alabama. But, boy, I sure am an idiot in Auburn right now. 

Who knew intelligence could come and go so quickly?

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is FBI agent Stan Beaman on "The Americans." You seriously need to be watching this show. 

Wow. 

Now on to the mailbag.  

Final 4 Odds and Ends

Written by: Todd Fuhrman

Sixty four games are already complete and we’ve officially closed the book on March college hoops. Only 3 games remain before we can go back to preoccupying ourselves exclusively with football chatter and trying to figure out how many sanctions the NCAA throws Auburn’s way if this week’s allegations are substantiated. In the meantime, kick back, relax, and watch a few good college basketball games and try to make yourself a few bucks in the process.

Let's Give 2010 Auburn Full Immunity

Written by: Clay Travis

Can we just give every player and coach on the 2010 Auburn title team complete and total immunity in exchange for the whole truth about that season?

At this point anyone with a working brain knows that 2010 Auburn was one of the biggest cheating teams in NCAA history. I mean, just look at the roster of allegations. From buying Cam Newton, to robbing houses, to paying players, to insane amounts of drug use, to illegally recruiting players, to changing grades to keep players eligible, if there's an NCAA rule on the books, 2010 Auburn probably broke it.

Hell, Auburn was such a mess that the school hired private security guards to keep tabs on its own players.

Even 1980's Miami players are like, "Damn, y'all need to chill at Auburn."

In the wake of the Selena Roberts story, there are now ten different players that have pointed the finger at Auburn for cheating over the past several years. What incentive would ten different players have to make up lies about Auburn?

Really, there are none.  

by Christian Wick

The NHLPA and the Board of Governors have approved NHL Realignment for the 2013-14 season. Below is the map of what it looks like according to NHL.com   

The wisdom of the NHL strikes again. I'm willing to bet most elementary kids who have no knowledge or interest in the NHL would look at this funny.  Who do we have to blame for this? Atlanta. Yep, good ole ATL. The worst sports city in America couldn't hold on to the Atlanta Thrashers (now the Winnipeg Jets). The NHL got its Eskimo panties in a wad and re-aligned to cater to another Canadian team. [This is actually the second team Atlanta has lost - the Atlanta Flames moved to Calgary in 1980.]

Look Out for the Coaches Gone Wild Mixtape

Written by: Clay Travis

I'm not going to defend Rutgers coach Mike Rice -- who was justifiably fired this morning -- but I am going to ask this question -- how many coaches would lose their jobs if someone compiled a few minutes of the worst things they'd said or done in a practice over multiple years into one video and then released it to ESPN?

Certainly dozens of coaches would be fired, potentially hundreds.

Lots of those coaches would be men who had erstwhile reputations as "good guys" who did it the "right way" and whatever other banal cliches we want to trot out there.

My issue with the Rice imbroglio is the belief that his actions are far from normal, that no one else behaves like he does. I believe the reality is much different, that you could hang just about any coach in America if you compiled his worst practice moments over multiple years into a coaches gone wild mixtape and released it to ESPN.

Do you really think Bobby Knight, the man ESPN employs to talk about college basketball, never threw a basketball at a player in practice or uttered a gay slur?

Please. 

Bret Bielema: Lane Kiffin Part Two

Written by: Clay Travis

Stop me if you've heard this story before, a new coach from outside the South comes to the SEC with a hot blonde wife, a great deal of swagger even if he has no real clue of the region he now inhabits, immediately snags a five star running back in his first month on the job which sends fans into spasms of glee, and then goes after a national championship winning coach while talking to his new fan base at an event he doesn't expect to become immediately public.

Lane Kiffin meet Bret Bielema.

Talking to a Razorback fan group at the Saline County Razorback club Bielema had this to say, "The reason the SEC is talked about all the time is one team, because of their dominance. But I didn't come here to play Alabama. I came here to beat Alabama."

Bielema continued, "You can take Saban's record when he was at Michigan State and when he was a coach in the Big Ten and put it against mine, and he can't compare."

By Mike Dorr

The 139th running of the Kentucky Derby is just a month away, a two-minute thoroughbred horse race that is the crowning celebration of the best six weeks of sport that America has to offer. The first half of spring brings March Madness and the Masters, baseball’s Opening Day, and the NFL draft. The NBA and Stanley Cup playoffs begin. And in Louisville, Kentucky, twenty three-year-olds will line up with 2500 pounds of jockeys, $120 million in legal wagers, and the hopes and dreams of thousands riding on their backs.  

Today Kevin Ware broke his leg and Twitter lost its mind.

In a post-game interview Rick Pitino said that Ware broke his leg in two places, it would take him a year to recover and that even while Ware's bone was sticking out of his leg he was yelling, "Win the game!"

Ware's injury was the story of the Louisville-Duke game, but what was also interesting was the online morality play that unspooled in the immediate moments after Ware's injury. Several sites, including SB Nation and USA Today, refused to post a gif of the injury, CBS elected not to replay the injury at halftime, Pete Thamel of SI Tweeted a link to a story about Kevin Ware's recruitment getting Central Florida on probation, and when I tweeted the video link to Ware's injury some reacted as if I'd just passed out Easter eggs laced with Ebola to neighborhood children.

I immediately got an email with a subject reading, "Your such an assbag." (Seriously, I can't even make up things like this).

I want to unpack all of these different threads surrounding the Kevin Ware injury because they all became stories in themselves, a real life fast-paced window into modern sports media.

In particular, what I call fauxrage rapidly took over on Twitter and other social media site. Fauxrage is distinguished from actual outrage because it's more for show than it is legitimate outrage. For whatever reason masses of people feel the need to adopt a holier than thou persona and castigate others who are not deemed to show enough deference or "class" to a particular situation. (Social media's obsession with "class" or being "classy" is worthy of a story in its own right. Who knew that Ann Landers and Dear Abby would have such an influence on Twitter? The class police are everywhere online. And when the class police unite with the offended pearl clutching masses, well, we all lose. And for a variety of reasons that happened today with Ware's injury.)

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