All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mai...

All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked t...

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey

A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DR...

A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT

Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
Should Tallahassee Police...

Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?

Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
Johnny Manziel Introduces...

Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game

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Okay, it's mailbag time.

I'm presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I've been afraid I'd lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn't speak loud enough. Right now I'm in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

"Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don't quite match - meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change."

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in "One Hundred Years of Solitude:" “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

I mean, that's just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I've always been a big reader -- you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? -- and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he's ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don't even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

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The mailbag's going up early today because I'm speaking at my high school, Martin Luther King Magnet, at honors assembly day. I'm really excited about this because it's the first time I'll have ever been to a high school assembly and not been a virgin.

I can't tell you what a difference this will make.

I spent 95% of high school assembly time deciding which girl in each class I would sleep with if the world was about to come to an end and I had to pick one girl to sleep with in every class. (I have no idea what girls thought about during high school assemblies, but I always assumed it was how to avoid sleeping with Clay Travis if the world was about to come to an end and they had to sleep with one person in every class). I''ve written about this before in the mailbag, but every man reading today has done some version of this in his life. In fact, just about every grown man can tell you which girl he'd pick if you give him a high school class. (At least the ones who can remember anything from high school. I can't tell you what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can somehow tell you who I sat next to in 7th grade English class.) Like, for me, I can just rattle off my list: 10th grade English, our teacher, April Henry, 9th grade Algebra I, Anna-Marie Vandermeer, 8th grade Latin, Kesha Robertson, 10th grade French II -- Mais oui, bonjour, I dropped Latin after a year -- Duyen Ho -- her real name, 10th grade geometry, Jinaki Stallworth. I'm not kidding, I can do this for just about every class I ever took from 7th to 12th grade at Nashville's Martin Luther King Magnet. 

What's more, I was skillful about this, like I didn't ever double up with girls. So if I had multiple classes with girls, I'd save them for the less talented class later in the day rather than waste them in a class where there were a bunch of hot girls.

It was like a fantasy draft before fantasy sports even existed.

So, yeah, I didn't ever sleep with anyone in high school.  

In my defense, there was very little sex going on. I think like 80% of our high school class of 135 graduated virgins. It could even be a higher percentage.  

Anyway, as you can tell, the entire 7th to 12th grade at Martin Luther King Magnet is in for a real treat today.

The beaver pelt trader of the week is whoever took this glorious photo of Derek Dooley, which you can find here. Please click on this link so that you can confirm for yourself that this photo is real and not a photoshop.

I couldn't believe it when I saw it for the first time.

Alabama Sends Jon Gruden Endorsement to Recruits

Written by: Clay Travis

On this week's Monday Night Football ESPN's Jon Gruden had this to say about the Alabama Crimson Tide, "This 49ers team is as physical on both sides as anyone. They remind me of how Alabama plays."

A few days later, Alabama is making sure that all of its recruits are aware of the comment as well, mailing out this weekly flier to recruits, which Cecil Hurt tweeted last night.

The straightforward message is simple: Jon Gruden's impressed by how Alabama plays football.

But could it be something more, could this be a subtle recruiting shot at Gruden, Tennessee's top candidate to replace Derek Dooley?

Johnny Manziel Does Work In Scooby Doo Costume

Written by: Clay Travis

Yesterday we had the OKTC Halloween costume contest.

Today, well, today Johnny Football would have been in the running for best costume.

Certainly, that is, if my four and two year old Scooby Doo obsessed kids could vote. (This morning, and I'm not joking, my boys got into an argument over who gets to dress up as Scooby Doo next year for Halloween).

It looks like Aggie girls loved the costume.

Howdy, indeed. (Pronounced by Scooby Doo as Rowdy).

Watch Me Sing Young MC's Bust a Move

Written by: Clay Travis

Saturday night I got went to a Halloween party and decided to karaoke to Young MC's "Bust a Move."

Yes, I was wearing a Stay Puft Marshmallow man t-shirt and a white hat that makes gay sailors everywhere drool with envy.

Proving that everyone on OKTC is equally opportunity -- from stupid Bama fans to me -- have at it. 

It's awkward white rapping time starring me. 

And I think y'all will love this. 

Thanks to my wife for knowing how bad this would be and deciding to record it. While mocking me in real-time. 

Awesome.  

Football, betting, sex, and alcohol: the four passions shared by the American male. Trying to rank these 4 is a task rivaled in its complexity by only that of trying to comprehend the intricacies of the BCS. However, what fun is any kind of rankings if there's no level of difficulty to stir debate. Without further fanfare, here are your top ten reasons why betting college football is better than sex. Oh yea, there are game previews as well for those interested in that kind of thing...

Top 12 Halloween Costumes For 2012

Written by: Clay Travis

Halloween is here.

I know because my four year old woke me up this morning screaming, "I get candy today, candy!"

Y'all have been inundating me with your Halloween costumes on Twitter. I've retweeted a bunch of them and tried to save the pictues to my phone as you send them to me. This means that I now don't know who initially sent these to me, but I hope you'll be happy with your pics being in my top 12.

You'll also note that my four year old is ranked. That's the benefits of knowing the site owner.

By Dantzler Smith

The NFL’s replacement referees taught NFL fans what the fans of college football already knew. While Steve Young and other NFL commentators, in exasperated tones, expanded their vocabulary to encompass economic principles like ‘inelastic demand’, college football fans should’ve shrugged in indifference to the near tantrums of the talking heads.

I love the work that really talented probabilities guys do with football. (Honestly, I love the work that all probability guys do. That's why I'm currently reading Nate Silver's, The Signal and the Noise, which is fascinating. As a general rule we consistently underrate the likelihood of upsets in college football. Especially with our predictions. 

That's why a guy using probabilities in sports is so fascinating. After all, any sixty minute game is just a small representation of what could have happened in a game. Big upsets are just outliers.  

The guy I love the best of all when it comes to computing sports probabilities is Paul Bessire at Prediction Machine. Paul's method is to input his data to a computer and run his simulations 50,000 times. His outcomes reflect the odds of what will happen in any given game. He then sells betting advice when his formulas show the greatest differential with the existing line.

He's been really successful with his predictions against the spread.

Now that there are four undefeated teams left in major college football -- Alabama, Kansas State, Notre Dame and Oregon -- I wondered what the odds were that all four teams would finish undefeated. So I asked Paul to run the probabilities for me.

And if you're a data geek like me, you're going to love what his results showed.

The result that's the most surprising: It's 15 times as likely that all four of these top teams will lose as it is that all four of these teams will win out.

Wow.

There is just 1.22% chance that Alabama, Oregon, Kansas State, and Notre Dame all finish undefeated and there is a 15.75% chance that all four teams lose.

But that's just one of the fascinating details that Paul spins out of this year's college football data.

You need to be reading his stuff on a regular basis, and if you're paying for picks, there's no one that's better in the country.

Mizzou Sells T-Shirt After Beating Kentucky

Written by: Clay Travis

Y'all know I loved everything about my trip to Mizzou.

Loved the fans, the town, the stadium atmosphere, everything about the new addition to the SEC.

But Mizzou's football team has been bad this year. Not bad because they joined the SEC, just bad because the Tigers are a bad football team. I still believe that Mizzou will do well in future years in the SEC, but this year is a complete mess.

If you want to feel better about Mizzou's football future, keep in mind that the Tigers will play four of the top eight teams in this week's BCS standings. Losses to Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida, coming this weekend, aren't really that bad. Just about every team in the country is losing to these four teams.

The SEC East turned out to be much better than we anticipated and Mizzou was worse.

You also drew Texas A&M on the road for the third straight season, which would ordinarily be fine given the result the past two years except for the fact that Texas A&M is really damn good this year.

Granted, the Vandy loss was a bad one, but Vandy could win seven or eight games this year. Seriously, that really might happen. 

Plus, you'll score a bunch of points on Tennessee next week and if you pulled off an upset over the Vols then the season wouldn't be that bad.

You would have won one game that wasn't expected and lost one game that wasn't expected.

LSU-Alabama CBS Drinking Game: 2012 Edition

Written by: Clay Travis

The CBS drinking game is back.

I know, I know, I've been lax in setting up the games this season. There should have been a drinking game for the big game doubleheader, LSU at Florida and Georgia at South Carolina. And I should have had a drinking game last weekend for the Cocktail Party and...basically I've failed all of you.

I apologize.

As we embark upon the first #cbsdrink of 2012, it's important to know that our game has become so popular that everyone on the telecast is aware of the games. In fact, go to Google right now and type in Verne Lundquist. The third Google autocomplete? Our drinking game. The OKTC crew is a powerful and mischevious lot.

I'll also be at the game, in the press box, which means I won't hear the audio broadcast. So you guys have to be my eyes and ears. This means I need as many of you as possible to be playing along at the hashtag #cbsdrink.

I feel pretty confident that we can make the hashtag trend nationally at some point during the game.

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