All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition
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All That and a Bag of Mail: Men Peeing in the Shower Edition

Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey
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Kentucky Fan Gets Asked to Prom Via Jersey

A GLOSSARY FOR THE NFL DRAFT
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Should Tallahassee Police Get a National Title Ring?
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Johnny Manziel Introduces New Lady Friend At Rangers Game
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Featured Story

Okay, it's mailbag time.

I'm presently writing this in a Los Angeles hotel room with virtually no voice. All my life I've been afraid I'd lose my voice and it never happened. Until now. Last night on television with Petros, I got crushed in our great debate because I couldn't speak loud enough. Right now I'm in the throes of the worst cold ever. (By the way, no one talks about this, but one of the worst things about being a parent of young kids is that one of your kids always has a cold. I mean, always. If your family is big enough then you can pass the entire cold through your family and then repass it back through two weeks later. This is infuriating.)

Michael H. sends us this picture of a Bama fan with magnets on his truck:

"Thought you would enjoy this photo I took in front of an Alabama McDonalds this morning. I think what I love most is that the two magnets don't quite match - meaning they were definitely purchased at separate times. This guy was so happy with the first magnet that he had to go out and get a second one made for child #2. The handy plates are a nice touch too.

May Bama and Kentucky fans never change."

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote this first sentence, which I think is the best in the history of novels, in "One Hundred Years of Solitude:" “Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”

I mean, that's just f-ing amazing.

The entire book is just as good.

I've always been a big reader -- you think I got this good at dick jokes by accident? -- and back when I was a kid I was told if you like one book an author writes then go back and read everything he's ever written in the order he wrote it. Here would be my all-time top five favorite writers: 1. William Faulkner 2. Cormac McCarthy 3. Gabriel Garcia-Marquez 4. Franklin W. Dixon (I know this was a syndicate of dozens of writers, but I loved the Hardy Boys when I was a kid. Don't even get me started on the tears I shed when Iola Morton got blown up). 5. Ernest Hemingway

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

Latest Articles

Vinnie Verno's Back for Week 2 Picks

Written by: Clay Travis

Last week brought the return of Vinnie Verno, but his debut fell a little flat 1-2 for the kickoff specials.

This week Vinnie back stronger than ever, betting the baby again?

Watch as he dives into Auburn-Mississippi State, Georgia-Missouri, and Duke-Stanford.

Remember, he makes picks, you make money.

Once more, click pause on the videos up on the right side if you're having an issue hearing both.

Then, he makes picks, you make money.

By Christian Wick

I flew down to Texas this weekend for my buddy's wedding. He’s an Aggie alumnus, Ensign in the Navy, and is currently training to become a Helicopter pilot.

By Craig Hayes

"Hey Pussy!" I cringed as I slowly limped away from the last set of gassers, praying that the screaming voice of the team captain wasn't for me. "Hey 95!" It was. That was the jersey number the equipment manager gave me about two hours earlier. The first and only time I would wear that number, and the last time I would wear shoulder pads for the rest of my life. I was 21 years old.

LSU Fan Gets Branded, Really

Written by: Clay Travis

Last year at the national title game an LSU fan allowed himself to be tied down to a table and branded with LSU letters.

This surprises no one.

He did this before the national title game and amazingly OKTC reader Stephen Leathers is just now sharing it with us.

Up until now I've thought the teabagger had the roughest post-national title game, but can you imagine what this guy felt like when Jordan Jefferson didn't get pulled and Bama ran roughshod over his team? He's sitting there with a throbbing lower calf -- which probably got infected given the fact that he's an LSU fan in New Orleans willing to get branded before a football game. This means he definitely passed out in a urine-soaked gutter somewhere. Probably after paying $34 for a she-male hand job in the French Quarter.

And you know that the LSU treatment for a branding is the same treatment that Civil War soldiers got for an amputation, a bottle of whiskey, a dash of laudanum, and a minie ball to bite your teeth on.

Also, you know that some LSU fans watching this video are going to be like, "Dude, the burner's for the corndogs, don't waste the fuel."

Plus, as several of you pointed out, he's strapped to a beer pong table.

A beer pong table!

Never change LSU fans. Ever.

So Florida Gator fans are making a awkward fan run this season.

Last week we brought you the Florida Gator fan tattoo.

Now a Florida Gator fan is selling a 13 foot 4 inch, 700 pound gator that he's had mounted, stood up, placed a Tebow jersey on the Gator, and duct taped a football signed by Tebow, Danny Wuerffel, and Steve Spurrier in the gators left paw. (Presumably because Tebow is left handed. The detail work here is outstanding).

It's a legally killed nuisance Gator -- papers and everything! -- and it will only cost you $10,000.

Here's the eBay listing.

The entire listing is a comedy pyramid, but this is my favorite part: "This may be the only real gator of this size mounted standing up, doing a Heisman trophy pose in the country. I'm not saying one is not in existence but none of the taxidermists we spoke with had ever seen or heard of anything like this before." 

Late Monday night, I almost died in a plane crash somewhere over Kansas City.

At least I felt like I was going to die.

As we descended to the Kansas City runway, a storm had kicked up -- I'm told this is the first real storm of summer for Kansas City -- you could see nasty lightning off in the distance, rain and wind slammed into the plane, and our flight dropped rapidly, careening sideways in the gusts of the storm. I really thought I was going to die.

So did the other 110 people on board my flight.

This is my story of what it's like to be on a plane when you think you're going to die.

Las Vegas Futures Updates

Written by: Todd Fuhrman

There are Sunday cruises and there are rollercoaster rides when it comes to monitoring line movement. Saturday's game in Columbia between UGA and Missouri is drawing a ton of interest in the betting markets and will be one of the biggest volume games for sportsbooks this weekend. At some of the sharpest offshore books, UGA opened as modest 3 pt chalk before being bet over the key number to 3.5. However, prices aren't static and yesterday a deluge of Tiger money drove the price as low as 1.5 before the market consensus settled at 2.

What could be leading such a charge on the Tigers you ask? Trust me when I say a sports syndicate anchored by Brad Pitt, Sheryl Crow, and Sam Walton wandering around Vegas dropping 6 digit sums isn't the reason. Missouri has only been a home underdog 4 times since 2006 but their record is hardly anything to get excited about in those games going 1-3 against the spread.  UGA as road favorite you ask? Mark Richt is 17-12-1 in that role including 3 wins as a road fav against Ole Miss (-10), Tennessee (-2.5), and Georgia Tech (-4.5) last year. The Dawgs lone ATS loss away from Athens last season came in Nashville against Vandy as 11.5 pt chalk.

I definitely believe Missouri is more than capable of attacking the UGA defense under the leadership of a talented QB in James Franklin (no, not Vanderbilt's head coach). However you bet your ass I still can't sign off on Coach Pinkel getting this one done until I see how the black and gold adjust to life in the rugged SEC. UGA definitely looked sluggish against Buffalo but that's no reason to jump off the SEC east favorites just yet.  This is a line that bears watching as we approach gameday and just one instance of bettors jockeying for the best market number. To be honest, I'm still hoping a powderpuff game between the two schools student newspapers breaks out at halftime and I'll make the Red and Black much more than a 3 pt chalk.

 

Starting 11: Alabama should be number one edition

Written by: Clay Travis

It's a bleary-eyed Labor Day here for me.

After three games in three days in three cities, I've managed to contract a cold that's so intense I can feel my heart beating in my eardrums. This is vaguely alarming. But I'm not taking off any days. This afternoon we'll be doing a Labor Day live show on 3HL and this evening I'm hopping a flight to Kansas City in preparation for talking to the KC Tiger Club on Tuesday at noon. Hope to see some Kansas City OKTC readers there.

Without further ado, here's what caught my eye for week one's Starting 11.

Nick Saban's Alabama football team has been favored in every game since the SEC title game in 2009. You know, the game when Saban's Crimson Tide hordes made Tim Tebow cry. Coming into this game Michigan fans felt like they had a chance to pull off an upset. An upset that would go a long way towards validating last year's Wolverine renaissance and an upset that would be a powerful Big Ten uppercut to the SEC's run of dominance. Unfortunately for Michigan fans, my wife included, UM played the role of the mouse in a fight with a cobra.

After about ten minutes of football there wasn't any question about whether or not the Wolverines could pull off the upset, the only question was how badly would Alabama beat them?

Thirty-one points later, when the SEC chant broke out in Jerry's Dome with four minutes and thirty one seconds remaining in the second quarter, lots of Michigan fans were left wondering, why in the world did I make the trip all the way to Dallas?

Meanwhile, Big Ten fans were left in a familiar position, making excuses about why the total and complete domination of one of their top teams on the field isn't as total or as complete as you think.

No, you see, say misguided Big Ten fans, we're the equal of the top SEC teams.  

By @Payneinsider

College football storms out of the box faster than Seabiscuit at Santa Anita when Michigan meets Alabama in the prized week one duel. JerryWorld in Dallas is the stage Saturday evening where two heavy weights attempt to set the BCS championship tone for 2012-13. Expectations are high for the Wolverines’ coming into the season after an 11-win campaign in 2011-12. Brady Hoke has maize and blue faithful thinking National Championship, but that’s facetious thinking in my estimation. Michigan returns 13 starters from a team that caught all the breaks a season ago. They won every close game (those decided by 7 or less), while winning the turnover battle with a +7 differential. The schedule was cupcake city early on, where a young Michigan team was afforded the luxury of learning a new system on the fly. They started 5-0 (all home games), against teams that finished a combined 32-31 last season. Four of their toughest games against Notre Dame, Ohio State, Purdue and Nebraska were also played in the comfy confines of The Big House. This year, those four teams will be hosting Michigan while salivating at thought of revenge. Despite coming away victorious in the Sugar Bowl against Virginia Tech, it was quite an anomaly. Beamer’s boys out gained Michigan 2 to 1, holding the Wolverines’ to just 184 total yards. They were out rushed 3 to 1. V-Tech had 10 more first downs. To this day, every time I see the score of that game I think my mind is playing tricks on me. Michigan might be in the hunt for a Big Ten title, but they have no shot at a National Championship - don’t think they come close to matching last season’s eleven wins, either. I have them rated 19th in my initial power ratings, and one of the sharpest betting syndicates I speak with has them barely inside the top 25. Regression is imminent for Brady Hoke in his sophomore season at Ann Arbor.

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