LSU Outspells Mississippi State 19-6

Published on: September 15, 2011 | Written by: Clay Travis

You know what happens when you put a blonde girl in Mississippi?

This sign.

(Also, there's a 76% chance of a shotgun wedding).

Yep, the blonde sorority girl with the bad spelling knew what she was talking about. "Every Single Play Conts." (By the way, somewhere Stephen Garcia was watching this game and when he saw that sign he had an epiphany. "Every Single Play Cunts," will be the title of his autobiography.) Regardless, this sign was the perfect metaphor for an ugly Thursday night game. Both teams played slobberknocker football. It wasn't pretty, but it was even.

I do love, however, the sorority girl's committment to the sign even when someone pointed out that she'd misspelled Counts. This wasn't exactly the Magna Carta of stadium signs to begin with -- she was using the tried and true spell out the initials of the network move. Also, she was pretty hot and wearing a feather boa so odds of her getting on television anyway were decent. Even still, how do you misspell counts? (If only she'd spelled it with a W). Do you think the E, the S, and the P words came to her easy and she started off with Every Single Play and then was stumped on the N word? (It's Mississippi though, has anyone ever really been stumped on the N word?)

Because she clearly panicked to begin with, the n comes in the middle of the final word.

Or is she brilliant and was this a subtle attack on the BCS mantra of Every Single Game Counts? (Can we start the trend where the anti-BCS among us start carrying intentionally misspelled signs that say, "Every Single Game Cunts," could this make it on ESPN Gameday or would it get caught?)

I'm just glad Mississippi State didn't cancel classes today.

Wait...they did?

We're all screwed.

1. Mississippi State has a campaign for responsible ringing of the cowbell.

Several things about the cowbell:

a. Two years ago I overheard a Mississippi reporter talking to his editor from the SEC spring meetings in Destin. Here were his exact words: "You really want me to do three articles about the cowbell controversy today?"

b. The cowbell, even though it is an artificial noisemaker, is allowed so long as fans ring responsibly.

I'm not making this up, this was the exception that was crafted to allow the cowbell to be used.

Yes, right, because if there's one thing we know it's that if 50,000 drunk people are given loud, clanging objects they'll use them responsibly.

c. How many husbands in Mississippi are going to pull up at their houses tonight well after midnight and try to get back inside the house without making noise with the cowbells?

How many will fail?

95%.

You know why? Because the cowbell is designed to make noise at all times. That's the purpose of the object. Asking people to not make noise with a cowbell is like asking Craig James to not be a douchebag, it's impossible to stop.

2. How much would you pay to hear Les Miles' conversations into the headset?

 An SEC official told me that Miles is by far the most relaxed coach in the SEC. He'll talk about all sort of things not related to football during timeouts on the field.

Can you imagine what he says during the game? Can you imagine if there were bootlegged copies of the end of game conversations that Miles has had at LSU? That's like football snuff films right there. People would pass those around like you did Playboy magazines back when you were 13.

I'd pay $3k for a game's worth.

3. How did Morgan Freeman end up in Dolphin Tale?

A dolphin without a tail?

Shouldn't Morgan Freeman's agent be shot? Who even had the balls to approach Freeman with this story? That's like asking William Faulkner to write a Hardy Boy book.

Also, how is a dolphin movie being made that doesn't star a pink dolphin?

You disgust me, Hollywood, disgust me.

4. Meet Mr. Cowbell.

Several things I love about this picture: First, the couple in front of Mr. Cowbell. You can almost hear the guy saying, "I'm telling you, Mr. Cowbell is going to get us on television." Meanwhile his date is saying, "Yeah, but Mr. Cowbell's not wearing any underwear and his knees keep touching me. He's gross."

Second, if your team loses, how much does it suck to be Mr. Cowbell? He has to talk around in this big, clanky costume all the way back to the dorm. He's going to be lucky if he doesn't get pushed over and lay on his back like a turtle unable to get back up.

Third, what are the odds someone would be willing to sleep with Mr. Cowbell? Is there anyone in the stadium with lower odds of having sex tonight? (Married men are excluded from this contest. They definitely aren't having sex tonight).

5. Mississippi State's Fletcher Cox has a perfect porn star name.

In fact, if I was ever in porn, I think this is the name I would pick. For whatever reason I can't hear this guy's name without smiling.

However, Baker Swedenburg, Mississippi State's punter, sounds like the type of person who would be trying to enforce Comstock laws to prevent Fletcher Cox's porn tapes from being shipped into the state.

Here's Swedenburg's Twitter account. Wonder what punters do during practice? Here's what they do: "We were trying to figure out if bats were birds or mammals tonight at practice haha."

6. Anyone else picturing Mark Richt sitting on his couch rooting hard for LSU tonight?

If he loses twice in a row suddenly Dan Mullen's odds of taking over for Richt take a hit. Potentially a debilitating hit. Indeed, the luster will be off Dan Mullen. People will start to point out that he's 2-12 against the rest of the SEC West. That the only team he's beaten in the SEC West is Ole Miss.

That's great for a state rivalry game, but he's still got Alabama and Arkansas left on this schedule.

And if he can't go into Athens and win, how could you justify firing Richt to hire Mullen?

So, yeah, Richt is tossing popcorn in his mouth rooting for LSU to beat the hell out of State.

7. At the half: Jarrett Lee is 13-15 for 128 yards and Chris Relf is 9-11 for78 yards.

Both teams are doing everything they can to force pass attempts. And so far both quarterbacks are delivering.

LSU leads 6-3.

What does Les Miles think of his defense? "The values and the core of that defense are very much intact."

God bless you, Les.

8. The entire third quarter is a prolonged exercise in brutal, violent, smashmouth football.

LSU takes a 9-6 lead at the end of the quarter.

Les Miles gives us a splash of excitement by attempting an onside kick. Other than that it's mind-numbing violent football.

A sign in the stadium is correct. "LSU's Violence = Cowbells Silent."

9. By the time he throws a touchdown pass at the beginning of the third quarter to give LSU what appears to be an insurmountable 16-6 lead, Jarrett Lee is 21-26 for 213 yards.

And it's already got many of us looking ahead to LSU's war with Alabama on November 5th. That's going to be a massive game.

What's more, LSU is beginning to exert the same kind of physical dominance against Mississippi State that it did against Oregon. Simply taking away the will for State to compete.

10. Let's be clear about something, LSU has been the most impressive team in the country through three games.

Tonight the Tigers had sixteen tackles for loss, five sacks, and two interceptions.

They completely shut down Mississippi State.

At this point there is no doubt: LSU should be the number one team in the country.

Because against this defense: Every Single Play Conts.