The 12 Most Likely Reasons Lane Kiffin Will Be Fired By Alabama
Published on: January 14, 2014 | Written by: Clay Travis
Confession: I've actually grown to like Lane Kiffin.
Because he's the perfect bad guy in college football, it's almost impossible to find Lane Kiffin fans.
In fact, is there any doubt that Kiffin has the lowest approval rating of any player or coach in college football?
There isn't, right?
That means Lane Kiffin is the most hated man in college football.
Most people who find themselves disliked by the entire country undertake some sort of public relations campaign to make over their image. You'll see them for several weeks or months in a row at charity events, photographed alongside sick children in hospitals, buying a disabled person a new wheelchair, they'll come out against cancer in particular and death in general.
They do all these things to burnish their tarnished images. They do all these things because people are dumb and if you claim to not like the things they don't like either -- Wait, I hate cancer and death too, Lane Kiffin can't be all bad! -- you either end up better liked or, if you do it well enough, elected President of the United States.
But Lane Kiffin does nothing to combat the hate or try to make people like him better.
Lane Kiffin doesn't care about your opinion of him at all. Which, in a manufactured and artificial era, actually makes him one of the most genuine coaches out there.
And that makes me kind of like him.
Notwithstanding the fact that I've grown to like Lane, we all know that Kiffin being fired at Alabama is inevitable.
Here are the 11 most likely reasons Lane Kiffin will be fired from Alabama.
1. Attempting to stage a coup against Nick Saban.
Lane Kiffin, the least successful former head coach in America to have been in charge of two top twenty programs, attempting to overthrow Nick Saban, the most successful head coach in America, is high comedy.
Which means it will probably happen.
Meet the coaching version of the Bay of Pigs.
Kiffin was far from a monk during his time in Knoxville. There were quite a few wild nights, including one early morning when the coach's Lexus, purportedly full of drunk coeds, ended up abandoned in a ditch after crashing off the road.
He could get away with all sorts of shenanigans in Los Angeles because of the insanity that goes on the entertainment industry out there.
But Tuscaloosa is a long way from LA, both physically and culturally.
Plus, we know two things about Alabama coeds: a. they are hot and b. they have low morals
This is a great combination.
Unless you're a married man.
3. For leaking news that he's Alabama's new coach in waiting.
If the rumors are true about Kiffin as coach-in-waiting, you know there's zero chance that Lane Kiffin could keep this quiet.
Can you imagine the Bama fan reaction if Lane Kiffin was Nick Saban's chosen successor?
They'd fire him out of anger at the mere possibility.
4. Recruiting violations.
Lane Kiffin already plays loose with recruiting rules and now he's at Alabama, a school which makes paying recruits an art form.
What could possibly go wrong?
5. Because Layla Kiffin goes on Facebook or Twitter and crushes living in Tuscaloosa.
Layla hated Knoxville, which is like Paris compared to Tuscaloosa.
When she inevitably insults Tuscaloosa, Lane will step up to defend his wife.
Having to address the media for the first time to clear up the controversy, Kiffin will say, "My wife was just joking when she said that Tuscaloosa was native American for 'white trash live here.' What she meant to say was this, "There are many trashy people of all races living in Tuscalooa."
6. Making play calls without proper authority.
This is 100% going to happen.
Alabama will lose a close game on a late play call and it will emerge that Kiffin made the play call without proper authority.
7. Talking to Auburn about its head job when Gus Malzahn leaves for the NFL.
One of the great things about Lane Kiffin is his complete and total lack of loyalty. When Urban Meyer resigned for the first time at Florida, guess who tried to get the Florida job even though he was Tennessee's head coach and had spent the preceding year crushing the Florida Gators and Urban Meyer?
Is there any doubt that if Gus Malzahn left and Lane Kiffin had a couple of decent years as Alabama's offensive coordinator, that he'd do everything in his power to get the Auburn job?
8. A Tennessee fan will attempt to shoot him in Neyland Stadium on the Third Saturday in October.
Instead of hitting Kiffin, the Tennessee fan, who will be very drunk and using a musket from the 1870's, will instead hit Saban.
Saban will survive -- it's impossible to kill a vampire unless you hit him in the heart with a silver bullet -- but Kiffin will be interim coach for the Alabama-UT game.
The Crimson Tide, despite being 48 point favorites, will lose by 48.
Kiffin will be fired the next morning.
9. In order to keep his wife happy, Kiffin will purchase the Whole Foods franchise rights for Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
This will require the rest of his life savings.
He will open the store to great fanfare then go immediately bankrupt when Bama fans arrive to discover that Whole Foods doesn't carry Mountain Dew or bronze Bear Bryant statues.
In the subsequent riot, the store will burn down.
Kiffin, not having done his due diligence, will have zero insurance.
10. Mike Slive will suspend and fire him.
The day Lane Kiffin left for USC Mike Slive smoked a victory cigar.
This is remarkable because even Slive, who likes everyone, despises Kiffin.
Now Kiffin's back in the SEC.
My kids are watching Star Wars right now and for some reason I can't get the idea of Mike Slive kicking Lane Kiffin's ass, Yoda episode 2 of Star Wars style.
Slive will be watching Kiffin closely, count on it.
11. For being Lane Kiffin.
The thing about Lane Kiffin, as we noted above, is he's Lane Kiffin.
He's insolent, insubordinate, unlikable, and cocky.
That's a pretty extraordinary collection of character traits.
Somehow insulting Bear Bryant.
12. Kiffin will leave to take the Dallas Cowboys head coaching job on the same day that Nick Saban has decided to fire him for doing an awful job as offensive coordinator.
If there's one thing that consistent about Kiffin, it's that he always manages to fail upwards.
Jerry Jones will definitely be hiring him.