The LSU-Alabama Drinking Game

Published on: November 03, 2011 | Written by: Clay Travis

The biggest game in SEC regular season history is just two days away. I'm heading down to Tuscaloosa this afternoon. For the record, yes, this is the first time I can ever remember going to a game two days before it kicks off. Truly, that's how big this game is. With ticket prices surging and the vast majority of college football fans across the country priced out of the game, most will be watching the game on television. That means CBS's Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson will bring the game into your homes.

Verne Lundquist, a dead ringer for Benjamin Franklin with his white mullet, rotund figure and spectacles, has been calling the SEC game of the week for a decade or more. Along the way Verne has become an eccentric staple in Southern living rooms, like your uncle at Thanksgiving who keeps trying to get you to sell your gold fillings and put the proceeds into his foundation which is seeking to overthrow the electoral college. Meanwhile, Gary Danielson, plays the role of the Midwesterner who has suddenly realized that everything is better in the South than in the Midwest. Danielson, who made a career of calling Big Ten games, joined the SEC and immediately established his bona fides by making the case for Florida to play for the national title over Michigan in 2006. Now he's a euphoric homer for all things Southern.

Danielson reminds me of an immigrant who can't quite get over the fact that he really gets to live in America now. Everything is euphoric. 

This game is so big that lots of people who don't ordinarily watch entire games will be watching this game. It's like college football's own version of the Super Bowl. So how can you make things better?

With alcohol, of course.

So we present you with the LSU-Alabama drinking game.

1. Every time Verne Lundquist chortles -- drink. 

The Lundquist chortle is the greatest non-verbal communication this side of your mom's tilted head and raised index finger when you were about to disobey her.

2.  Drink when Gary Danielson points out a touchdown pass that, the implication is, he would have recognized had he been quarterback on the field.

If you threw touchdown passes via game film, Gary Danielson would be Dan Marino, Peyton Manning, and Johnny Unitas combined. No one is better at noting missed touchdowns.

3. Drink when CBS flashes the inevitable graphic of LSU's stormy off-field season.

Bonus drink if Verne turns the word tumultuous into fourteen syllables. Or just quits halfway through the word and mentions a Jordan Jefferson's roommate.

4. Drink when Verne mentions the college roommate of one of the players on the field. 

Lundquist's obsession with roommates is uncanny. I first noticed this obsession during the Tebow era when Lundquist never failed to mention Tebow's roommate. There was a 90% chance that every time the name Riley Cooper was uttered it was immediately followed by, "Tim Tebow's roommate."

I'm convinced Lundquist walks in to player interview's for game prep with a big tablet to take notes on. At the top he has written one word, "Roommates." All of his notes for game prep are just roommate pairings.

5.  CBS sideline announcer Tracy Wolfson -- who played through a nasty cold last week -- pronounces the word Coach, like this: "Cooooooch."

When she says, "Coooooch," drink.

If she drinks Cammy Cam juice again, you have to finish your entire bottle. If she does a sideline report that includes the phrase "synthetic weed," the entire room does car bombs.

6. Drink when Nick Saban stares deep into your soul at the pregame or halftime interview.

We've talked about this with Tracy on the radio before, but whenever she asks Saban a question, he turns from her and stares directly into the camera, as if he's a hectoring minister who knows you're flipping over to Cinemax on demand during halftime. 

It feels like he's truly in your living room. If he lifted his hand and did the Darth Vader choking motion, I'm convinced he could kill every Auburn fan on earth.  

7. When Bear Bryant or Tim Tebow are mentioned, and they both will be, drink.

You might be thinking, but Florida isn't playing. You're correct. But Tim Tebow is still going to be mentioned.

A lot.

8. Drink when cameras catch Les Miles clapping his hands together. 

Miles has a unique hand-clapping strategy. His fingers don't touch, just the palms. It's really pretty amazing. Once you notice it, you won't be able to unsee it. Like recognizing that Verne is a modern day Benjamin Franklin. From now on you're going to be like me, picturing Verne flying kites in thunderstorms.

9. Verne has fallen in love with the Honey Badger, drink when he calls Tyrann Mathieu by his nickname. 

If, by chance, Verne slips up and calls him the Herbal Badger, finish your entire beer or mixed drink. 

10. Drink every time the possibility of a rematch is mentioned.

If the SEC wants to get their money's worth out of this game, the rematch talk should be coming fast and furious.

11. Each time Les Miles eating grass is mentioned on the telecast, drink.

Do a shot if Les Miles is mentioned in conjunction with a suggestion that Harvey Updyke might have poisoned the grass on the LSU sideline.

12. Whenver the CBS cameras catch a hot girl in the crowd and you pause your television to check her out better -- I know you do this too == drink.

But make it a happy drink, not a sorrowful lament to leaving college behind.

This is a fun game.

13. Drink whenever Verne misidentifies a player or team on the field in front of him. 

This will happen.  

Also, bonus shots can be assessed to a viewer of choice for anyone who can catch Verne or Gary in an outright error and prove it using a smartphone.

14. The entire room does shots if either Verne or Gary says, "4:20 remaining in the quarter. That has more significance for some of you than others."    

Add your own drinking cues in the comments below. Or shoot them to me on Twitter. I'll add the best and credit y'all for them.

Also, if someone can keep a running tally of how many drinks this leads to, I'd love to see the results.

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