The Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America: #5 Notre Dame

Published on: August 26, 2013 | Written by: Clay Travis

What happens when the dumbest sports fans in the northeast all cheer for the exact same college football team?

You get the Notre Dame Fighting Irish fan base, one of our top five dumbest fan bases in the country.

Let's go ahead and eliminate all these emails and Tweets right now -- I'm not saying that Notre Dame graduates are dumb, quite the opposite actually, but no school in America has a smaller percentage of actual graduates among its fans. 

Not one. 

99.9 % of Notre Dame fans could not be admitted to Notre Dame. Hell, I'm not sure that most Notre Dame fans could pass the GED right now. That's because Notre Dame has more dumb bandwagon fans than any team in the country, pro or college. (The Miami Heat can't hang because football is so much more popular than basketball).

Last year, when Notre Dame was 12-0 and would have been the seventh best team in the SEC, you hadn't seen so many Notre Dame fans since the days of Lou Holtz.

Every underemployed bar fly in Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and New Jersey, started strutting around in their Rocket Ismail jerseys talking about the Irish being back.   

"You can't stop Notre Dame! We're the best!"

Of course these same Notre Dame fans couldn't name more than five players on the entire team. 

Yet they were the same fans screaming that Manti Te'o had been "robbed" of the Heisman trophy. 

Why are Notre Dame fans the top-five worst in the country?

Because they aren't even college football fans.

They're just Notre Dame fans.  

Ask an angry, drunken, Notre Dame fan from Boston -- rhetorical, I know -- why he cheers for the Irish and he'll respond: "I cheerah for Notre Dame because they'reah Catholic!"

Okay, that makes perfect sense. After all, there are no other Catholic football teams on earth you could pick. I mean, except for Boston College which is a school in your own city.

Let's be clear, you cheer for Notre Dame because you're a front-running loser. Your own life is filled with so many failures that you have to attach yourself to the Fighting Irish whenever they happen to surge up the football rankings to make yourself feel better. Basically, Notre Dame football is viagra for middle-aged east coast losers.

Let's also take a moment here to eliminate the idea that there aren't dumb people on the east coast. The east coast enjoys looking down on the rest of the country because it feels so educationally and culturally superior. Well, I've lived on the east coast, the amount of stupidity in the region is hugely underrated. Sure, the big cities have lots of highly educated successful people, but they also have many more short, balding, dumb losers. Just about all of the these people root for Notre Dame. That's what happens when the entire east coast is a college football wasteland.

Who ya got on the eastern seaboard above the Mason Dixon line?

Temple? Rutgers? UConn? Boston College?

These are the four best teams.

Really, that's the case.  

If you had to pick one of these teams to root for you'd be a pro sports fan too.

The reason the east coast has the weakest college football fan base by far is because the teams on the east coast all suck.

So these fans cheer for Notre Dame.  

What's the Dumbest Stereotypical Notre Dame fan like in his element?

He's a 58 year old who lives in Trenton, New Jersey and marches every year in the Irish pride parade. He has never been to Ireland -- in fact, his family has now been in the country for over 250 years -- but damn it, he's pround of his Irish heritage. Of course the only element of his Irish heritage that he has embraced is the part about drinking heavily and not using birth control. 

He has never been west of the Alleghenies in his life, but he's "always been a huge Notre Dame fan." By "always been a huge Notre Dame fan" he means watch one game a year on average for the past 46 years. He has eight children, but can afford to take care of one. His preferred method of birth control -- other than his personality -- is the pull-out method and he thinks Manti Te'o got robbed of the Heisman Trophy last year thanks to an ESPN conspiracy against Catholics.

He also thinks that you should SHUT the F--- UP about Manti's fake girlfriend. In fact, he went on ESPN's comments section and wrote this underneath the Jeremy Schaap Te'o interview: "Everbody has fake gfs! How else do you make it threw your 20's. Stop righting about Mante ESPN!"

At least once a year his confession includes the following, "Father," he'll say, "whenever Rudy Ruettiger comes on scene my penis moves."

For twenty-three consecutive years his priest, Father Riley, has replied that it's completely normal and not a sin. "There, there, Rudy makes all of our penises move," Father Riley will say.  

He told each of his sons and daughters when they were born that they would go to Notre Dame. By "go to Notre Dame," he meant become cashiers at the local WaWa convenience store. 

He is obsessed with the idea that Catholic white men are discriminated against constantly and believes this is the reason he has been fired from his last 12 jobs. When Barack Obama was elected president it was the most depressed he'd been since Boston College made that f---- field goal in 1993, f--- Boston College! But he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea. See he's NOT RACIST because he once wrote Tim Brown a fan letter. All it said was, "Your my favorite negro!"

He has mistakenly believed that Notre Dame is actually in Illinois for 46 years and in 1987 he got in a fist fight when someone at O'Malley's Irish Pub compared Lou Holtz to Donald Duck.

After being arrested he did not have the money to post bail, so he spent a week in jail, during which time his oldest daughter slept with a guy who claimed to be Ron Powlus. But it might have just been a Dunkin Donuts delivery driver who looked like Ron Powlus and was pretending to be him so she's never been completely certain.

When she met him she was like, "Wait, if you're really the Ron Powlus who played for Notre Dame, why are you driving a Dunkin Donuts truck?"

And Ron Powlus said, "Because they pay better than Krispy Kreme."  

His wife once caught him furiously masturbating to the movie "Rudy," but both pretend it didn't really happen.

Touchdown, Jesus!

... 

The Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America:

10, The Tennessee Volunteers

9. The Dallas Cowboys

8. The West Virginia Mountaineers

7. The Oakland Raiders

6. The Pittsburgh Steelers