Which SEC FanBase would be most dangerous with Nuclear Weapons?

Published on: March 09, 2012 | Written by: Clay Travis

 Yesterday we learned Auburn's basketball team is being investigated by the FBI for point-shaving.

My favorite part of this Yahoo article? The FBI has a field office in Auburn.

The FBI!

Have y'all been to Auburn? They don't even have an Outback Steakhouse.

But they've got an FBI office.  

This makes perfect sense. 

Proving once again, if you ever doubted it, that the entire state of Alabama is certifiably insane when it comes to sports. The only thing that could make this situation crazier is if tree killer Harvey Updyke was paying an Auburn basketball player to shave points.

Would this even surprise you?

After all, the University of Alabama is the North Korea of college sports

Think about the similarities -- short dictator, bankrupt biggest city, strange obsession with a deceased leader, willingness to foist clearly absurd stats -- number of national championships and holes in ones by the dear leader upon a gullible public, statues of living people -- I started to wonder, would it surprise me if Alabama fans nuked Auburn? Or vice versa?

Of course not. 

Then I got to wondering, holy hell, how dangerous would it be if SEC schools had nuclear weapons and the schools were at the direction of the fan base on when to use them?  

After all, nuclear proliferation is a major issue. And so is homegrown terrorism. 

So, yeah, the OKTC went all CIA on y'all and decided to rank the most dangerous fan bases to be in possession of nuclear weapons.

From last to first.

Here we go: 

14. LSU

(Turns nuclear weapon into Mardi Gras float, mixes plutonium with vodka, passes out).

13. Vanderbilt

I'm not sure Vanderbilt would respond with nuclear weapons if it was accidentally attacked by a fan base not smart enough to correctly attack its real foe -- I'm looking at you Mississippi State. In fact, I think if you offered the average Vandy fan nuclear weapons he would look across the state at Derek Dooley's football program, throw up his hands and say, "It's not gonna look that different if we attack them."

12. South Carolina

Nuclear attack makes golfing virtually impossible. 

And Steve Spurrier is golfing. 

11. Florida

The laziest SEC joke out there is to make fun of Vandy fans for being smart. "Ha, ha, look at them, nerds!" (If you saw the girls that Vandy guys pull, you'd throw down your three-deep roster and start memorizing theorems. Consider this an OKTC PSA, brains pay...and lead to outkicking your coverage more consistently than any other attribute.)

But the Gators have become sneaky smart over the past fifteen years or so. 

Yes, their girls have bingo wings and their men use hair gel more than all the other 13 SEC fan bases combined, but are they angry enough to attack anyone?

Or just turning Gainesville into the only place in North Florida with an average IQ above chromosomal abnormality levels?

Who is their biggest rival in the SEC?

Georgia? Tennessee?

Using nuclear weapons on either of those schools is just cruel and unusual punishment right now.

The Gators are smart and happy. (Which is why I hate them so.) 

10. Mississippi State

Starkville is the only SEC town that could be hit with nuclear weapons and emerge from the wreckage with no discernible damage. 

This means State fans have nothing to lose in the event of nuclear war.

Ordinarily that would make State terrifying. 

But, go figure, Renardo Sidney likes plutonium on his cheeseburger. 

9. Arkansas

If Houston Nutt was still in Arkansas, the Razorbacks would be number one on this list.

But Houston Nutt is biding his time hanging out at the OVC basketball tournament. (Really, he is).

Right now Arkansas fans don't want to touch anything at all, they believe they're on a trajectory to greatness.  

Of course, given Arkansas's football history it would make complete sense for Fayetteville to be hit with a nuclear weapon just before Bobby Petrino could win a national championship. 

Let's face it, the Clint Stoerner fumble was already the football equivalent to nuclear winter. 

8. Ole Miss

The four words that matter most in Oxford. 

Protect. William. Faulkner's. House. 

Rowan Oak is not surviving nuclear assault. And with Renardo Sidney eating all the plutonium, who is attacking Ole Miss and wiping out those coeds in sundresses?

Only the Taliban. 

And the Taliban are the only people on Earth who make Alabama fans seem smart. 

So Ole Miss is safe. 

7. Georgia

The only place with nuclear weapons that would compare their nuclear weapons to a football player.

Specifically, Herschel Walker. 

Georgia fan: "Have you seen our nuclear weapons? They're faster than Herschel Walker. Honest. You light that sucker on fire and it just goes fast. Bang. Like Herschel when he was a freshman."

So there is no doubt that Herschel Walker would be photographed beside the nuclear weapons for Georgia athletics propaganda.

And given that proximity to the weapons could one of Herschel's multiple personalities be a mad man intent on destroying the world as we know it? 

6. Texas A&M

The Aggies probably have lots of teachers and cadets that actually know how to use nuclear weapons. 

This means they could launch a nuclear attack and make it look like someone else had launched the nuclear attack. 

When Austin is leveled and the state of Oklahoma is brought before the UN's war crimes tribunal, the Aggies will have committed the perfect crime. 

5. Kentucky

The state of Kentucky combines the worst of the South with the worst of the Midwest: think racist white guys with chinstrap beards and awful teeth. 

What would drive a racist white guy with a chinstrap beard and awful teeth to launch nuclear attack?

Anything at all.

Put it this way, Kentucky is like Alabama in a winter coat.   

4. Missouri

You know how in gangster movies you move up in the ranks by showing you aren't afraid to kill? Or you have to shiv somebody in the prison mess hall to get some respect?

Right now Mizzou is the new guy in the gang, the prisoner with a reputation for being a little bift soft. 

Once Kansas doesn't exist -- yes, Kansas exists now, I promise, I've been there -- Mizzou has a new found street cred. 

I'm picturing Missouri's Gary Pinkel addressing the media after the assault: "It wasn't just a nuclear warhead."

(Long pause)

"It was a jumbo nuclear warhead." 

(Sidenote: we played a drinking game bar crawl last weekend. Our team name? Pinkel's Jumbo Wine Glasses.) 

3. Tennessee

Tennessee football fans are just angry at life right now. Most of these fan bases you'd have to worry about attacking a rival state. 

UT's redneck fans would fire nuclear weapons at each other.

This is how the state of Tennessee ceases to exist:

Vol fan one: "You ain't a real Vol For Life!"

Vol fan two: "I am a real Vol For Life! You ain't one."

Vol fan one: "Fulmer lover!"

Vol fan two: "You take that back!"

Vol fan one: "Fulmer lover!"

Vol fan two: (Nukes Phil Fulmer's Maryville house, all Vol fans die of radiation.)  

2. Auburn

I love you Auburn fans, but if Alabama had nuclear weapons you'd be obligated to respond to the inevitable nuclear attack that arrived from Crimson Tide fans. (Unless the nuclear engineers in Alabama -- who also double as asphalt pavers -- hit Georgia instead.)

At least we can all agree on one thing: Alabama's nuclear arsenal would be the first in history to have, "Your gay," scrawled on the top of every warhead.  

1. Alabama 

The similarities between Alabama and North Korea are downright jarring.

So is the stupidity of the average fan.

"Got 14!" 

For whatever reason the smart people in Alabama, and there are many, have just given up.

Don't believe me? 

This is a state that let its largest county government, all of Birmingham, go bankrupt while installing a new sewer system. Seriously, this happened. 

It's fun to think about how nuclear war might begin between Alabama and Auburn.

But even more entertaining would be Finebaum sliding down his batpole just before the bomb exploded, escaping into his secret cave with steel enforced walls, radiation protected lining, enough food to last for the rest of his life, replete with a 100,000 watt radio studio. 

Within ten minutes of Alabama being wiped out, the few remaining survivors would hear a voice emanating from the heavens: "I don't know, I think Auburn's nuclear bomb wasn't as good as Alabama's nuclear bomb."

"Tammy's on line one."

Tammy: "Pawwwll, you stop that Pawwlll!..."

This is how the world ends.