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Tom Brady postgame interviews are painful
Disclaimer: I will never claim to be a comedian and/or funny, but holy crap did I need this outlet to vent the mounting frustration that comes with hearing Tom Brady talk after a game.
I thought this time would be different.
I thought after one of the most clutch, comeback wins in NFL history, Tom Brady’s tone would be energized.
I thought after getting shutout in the first half, tossing three second-half touchdowns and leading five consecutive scoring drives to start the second half, Brady would kick off his Uggs, let down his perfectly quaffed hair and say something, anything during his postgame press conference.
I thought the “Patriot way” would lead to some type of emotion like what we saw when his eyes almost popped out of his head celebrating Gronk's touchdown.
That was my first mistake. I need to be better at that.
Instead of an eargasm, Brady entertained us with a postgame collection of letters that formed words (Source: AP):
Q: How did you guys flip the switch in the second half, down 24-0?
TB: Well, I talk about it all the time so I’m sure you’re bored of hearing it, but our execution was a lot better. We didn’t give ourselves a chance in the first half with the turnovers. They got a big lead and we found ways to put one play after the next one and the next one and the next one and ended up scoring some points. We got the lead and we didn't do too much after that until the defense really bailed us out. It was a good team win. That’s a real good football team and I’m glad we got the win.
Peter Griffin …
So, to pay homage to Brady’s blandness, I thought it would be fun to play the what-if game with his ability to talk without saying anything.
What-if Tom Brady held post-workday interviews after clocking out at 5 p.m.?
Q: How did you feel it went today?
TB: Well, I mean I'm not here to make excuses, but when your computer freezes up, it makes for a long day. Excel is a great resource, but I have to be better. I have to improve my formula skills and know which cell to copy and which cell to paste. I can't get that wrong or it's going to let the entire company down and people are going to lose millions of dollars. This can't happen again. I'll go look at security film and see where I can improve and come back tomorrow ... wait ... tomorrow is Saturday. I'll come back Monday prepared to tackle Excel ... and taco day.
Q: How did you feel it went today?
TB: Well, I know you are tired of hearing this, but my shears were really sharp today (chuckles). No, seriously though, the capes went on in one fluid movement, the small talk was uncomfortable and awkward and the tips were 10 percent. I will say this, I'm really surprised by customers' lack of interest in styling product at the end of each session. One area I do need to get better at is sweeping up my area after each cut. Maybe in another life, I would have people to do that for me.
Cable Repair Man
Q: Can you talk about installation execution?
TB: Sure. Umm, yeah Mr. Potter knew I would be there between 9-5 and showing up at 4:40 p.m. isn't what I wanted, but it worked out. I was proud I made that deadline with heavy traffic around me. It's really a team effort though between my toolbelt and my hands - they have to be in sync to open the boxes, clip the wires and flip the switch. All three phases were on this afternoon. I'm happy about that. The only challenge was syncing up Mr. Potters television with our cable box. Turned out his remote control needed new batteries. I'm going to work with him on that before his next install. We are a team and will take it channel by channel until we feel comfortable.
Q: It looked liked you were holding your hand coming out of your office. Reports are saying little Jimmy bit down on your finger today.
TB: My hand and finger are fine (smirks).
Q: How did the rest of the day go?
TB: Well, gingivitis came in with a good plan. I tip my cap to it. That's a good gum disease inside Jimmy's mouth. However, my floss and I were on the same page today and we took it tooth by tooth and came out ahead. Jimmy knows he needs to continue to put in the time at home and get better with the mouthwash. If he can floss and swish each night, we'll both be in a better position to win six months from now. Not that we're looking ahead. That's my receptionist's job (chuckles).
Q: Is this what you expected in your debut?
TB: Anytime you can beat evil on Sunday, it's exciting. We had some great prayers in that room today. Gosh, good-golly, they helped me and I helped them. It feels nice to help people. That's what I like about this job.
Q: Is there any area you feel you need to improve on?
TB: Well, as you know the playbook is very long (smirks). It's going to take awhile to spread the good word. But we have a lot of support from the guys upstairs.
Oh, in case you were curious, Tom Brady was asked to repeat what was said during his touchdown celebration with Gronkowski after the game. The media got this:
TB: I get pretty excited. He’s been close a few times and he’s gotten in a few times, so I was pretty pumped up. I’m always pretty pumped up after we score. It’s nice to celebrate.
It's. Nice. To. Celebrate.