HILL: Roy Jones proves big is beautiful

Pound for extra pound, Roy Jones Jr. may be the best representative to join the narcissistic struggle of the American male. Roy seized this distinction by doing two things:

1. He gained weight.
2. He won.

His victory is registered as last Saturday's unanimous decision over previous WBA heavyweight boxing champion John Ruiz. Jones, a card-carrying middleweight whose walking-around carcass checks in between 175 to 180 pounds, secured the loose-fitting WBA belt at a biscuit less than 200 pounds. Roy was only 193 two days earlier, inspiring my suggestion of a romantic link with Anna Nicole Smith. But all kidding aside (editor's note: don't believe it), shouldn't this triumphant weight gain promote celebration among guys who fear the evolution of an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette? A thousand times yes. In the old upscale days, successful athletic weight gain often was limited to defensive linemen grazing their way over to the offensive line. By the end of maxi-camp, their abdominal muscles had disappeared with less hope for rediscovery than Atlantis. Jones still had abs when he clobbered Ruiz. Rather than turning the sweet science into the science of sweets, Roy probably attained bulk through working out and sensible protein splurges. You can't float like a buttered roll, but you can sting like a beef brisket. So, thanks to Roy's demonstration, men may no longer feel obligated to schedule cheat days or eat dinner at 5 p.m. With Jones as the ringleader, we can add reasonable weight with no threat of professional ruin. Fortified with added bulk, we now can go out and sell more cars than John Ruiz, unclog pipes more thoroughly than John Ruiz, wait tables with more efficiency than John Ruiz, deliver mail with more correct addresses than John Ruiz and write sports columns with more gusto than John Ruiz. Yeah, participation from John Ruiz was crucial to Roy's novelty act. When taking on a larger human, it's important to maintain an edge in hand and foot speed. Considering John's fast-twitch deficit, Jones may have had a more difficult time clouting the Rocky statue. Based on what boxing watchdogs consider a cautious approach to opponent selection, Roy has a mediocre boxing-history RPI. I just know he can beat the mess out of John Ruiz. Where does the new WBA champ go from here? Well, many Roy Jones Jr. experts expect his return to lighter work. But I'm begging Roy to continue playing the heavy. One reason is the attendant misery involved with losing the same weight he gained. A drop from 199 to below 180 might require even more road work than has been credited to Divine Brown. Part of the solution is a severe appetite shift that could include viewing nude photographs of Joan Rivers. And it seems that, with one or two exceptions, heavyweights may be even easier for Jones to defeat than his lower-weight-class peers. If this turns out to be true, don't be surprised if we hear of weight-gain plans for Oscar "Mayer" De La Hoya and "Lasagna" Shane Mosley. Their future fight preparation could be escorted into the salad course when ring announcer Michael Buffet grabs a handful of crackers and hollers "Let's get ready to crumble!" Another reason for Jones staying heavy is selfish; the heavyweight division provides hope for exaggerated mayhem. Sure, lighter fighters often drop devastating bombs, but nothing fires the warped imaginations of boxing fans like the promise of hard-punching heavies. Will Roy continue to hover near two bills and feast on the divisional bums? Will he drop a few and shoot for the 190-pound title? Will he aim for glory — and serious loot — by taking on Mike Tyson or even Lennox Lewis? "It's going to take a lot of money for me to even talk about fighting anybody else," Jones said after Saturday's victory. "For all I know, I might retire." Retirement could mean another Jones attempt at a minor-league basketball career. We wouldn't have to see much of Roy's hoop maneuvers, but just imagining his right crossover dribble can put us off basketball for a while. No, the guy should keep fighting. Would I like to see Roy against Tyson? Not if Jones would drop below the (sort of) standard 190-pound minimum by losing an ear. And it doesn't sound like the mitigated glory of defeating Tyson is a big deal to Jones. "It'd take a lot of money," he said, echoing that earlier theme. Pounding Tyson didn't do much for Lewis, with Mike putting up slightly more resistance than Sylvester Stallone received from that slaughterhouse beef. At 6-foot-5, Lewis, who should be known as LL Cool Jab, has the reach and hand speed to give Roy a night of heck. But Jones could stand a chance if Lennox prepares for the fight by appearing in another movie. That reminds me of a swell career option for Roy Jones Jr. If reality TV is good enough for Mike Tyson, it also may work for Roy. After several minutes of careful consideration, I've come up with six compelling titles:

• Jones bulks his way toward super-heavyweight on Bigger Brother.
• Do you have what it takes to sling leather with the greater fighter in the world? Find out on Who Wants To Be Beaten Up By A Millionaire?
• Thirty good-looking women are offered dates with Roy, who pretends to be stone broke on Jones Millionaire.
• Come for the match-up, stay for the hilarity when a hot tub is asked to find room for Roy, William "The Refrigerator" Perry and Gilbert Brown on I'm A Middleweight, Get Me Out Of Here!
• Roy retires and regrets it on American Idle.
• Jones revisits the techniques used to become a heavyweight on Survivor: Hometown Buffet.

Randy Hill can be reached at his e-mail address, rhill@foxsports.com.