Don't make out with girls in clubs if you're an athlete. Richard Gasquet was in the midst of a 12-month ban from tennis when he told a panel he tested positive for cocaine because he had kissed a woman in a nightclub who had taken the drug. That must've been quite the kiss.

Don't wash your car before the season. At least that's what you would learn if you believed Jeff Kent's excuse that washing his truck caused him to fall and break his wrist. And yes, the eyewitnesses who saw him injure his arm when he crashed his motorcycle — a direct violation of his contract — must have been confusing him with another Jeff Kent.

McDonald's? Brandon Marshall isn't loving it. In 2008, Marshall slipped on a McDonald's bag that sent him careening into his television. The resulting injury — which included a severed artery, vein and tendon damage, and required surgery — probably won't have him eating another Big Mac for a long time.

One excuse batted around was that Clemens threw a bat at the Mets' Mike Piazza because he thought it was really a baseball. What? How can he not know the difference between a bat and a ball? You know things are bad when the DH rule makes AL pitchers unaware of what exactly those wood sticks are used for.

Oh, where to begin with his one? We've heard all the excuses. It was a B-12 shot, I didn't know it was a banned substance, my cousin gave it to me, I just rubbed this cream on because the trainer told me to. Oh please. You did steroids and are trying to save your butt because you want to get in to the Hall of Fame. Yeah, good luck with that.

Ways to break your collarbone: riding an ATV or carrying deer meat. Now, what excuse do you think MLB second-baseman Barmes used and what do you think was closer to the truth? His original excuse was that he was carrying groceries. At least tripping with deer meat sounds more manly.

Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone during the Tour de France in 2006, leading the International Cycling Union to strip him of the title that year as winner of the race. Landis said the positive test was actually due to drinking whiskey. Listen, we like whiskey as much as the next person, but the only thing we tested positive for the next day was a hangover, which is why we knew this sounded fishy. It turns out we were right — in May 2010, Landis admitted he was in fact doping at the time of the race.

You know who used a corked bat during batting practice? Sammy Sosa. You know who got caught using a corked bat during an actual game? Sammy Sosa. You know who feigned ignorance and used the "batting practice bat" as an excuse for the mix-up? We think you can figure that one out.

You know what you can put in a secret compartment of a fake water bottle? Your weed. Michael Vick may have done that before going through airport security in Miami in 2007, who told him to throw out the bottle. He said he was just hiding jewelry in it and in the end, police couldn't prove what, if anything, was in the compartment before Vick tossed it. No charges were filed.

You have a "unique" condition called "overtrained athlete syndrome" that coincidentally causes you to test positive for a banned substance you really aren't taking? Sure, Brian Cushing. By the way, would you like to meet our unicorn?

Three-time Tour de France winner Alberto Contador blamed contaminated beef for a positive doping test, which makes us wonder what exactly they're feeding cows in Europe. The sport's governing body didn't buy it and stripped the cyclist of his 2010 Tour de France title. He also received a two-year ban from the sport.

San Francisco Giants relief pitcher Guillermo Mota was given a 100-game suspension for testing positive for a banned stimulant named Clenbuterol. The harsh ban was due to the fact that it was the second time in his MLB career that he tested positive for a banned substance. So how did it show up in his system? Mota says it was because of children's cough medicine. We're not sure why an adult baseball player is taking a medicine for kids, but we're pretty sure he's whining like a child for getting caught.