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Hit List: Burress, Cassel say the strangest things

by Kevin Hench

Kevin Hench is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com. An accomplished film and television writer, Hench's latest screenwriting credit is for The Hammer, starring Adam Carolla.

Updated: January 31, 2008, 9:09 PM EST 242 comments

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With both teams mostly on their best behavior on Media Day, there weren't a slew of obvious targets for the Hit List.

Super Bowl XLII

The last place any of the Giants and Pats want to find themselves is on The Henchman's Hit List. Follow along all week to see why.

But on a day of "staying focused" and "just doing our jobs," a handful of gabby men — and one spectacular woman — stood out.

1. Plaxico Burress

So much for the don't-mind-us-we're-just-happy-to-be-here Giants sneak attack that leads to an upset victory in Super Bowl XLII. First, Osi Unemyiora calls Matt Light a dirty player on Inside the NFL, then Plaxico Burress just comes right out and predicts victory, final score and all. Sure, there are those who will argue that every player has to go into every game expecting to win and therefore Plaxico's pronouncement that the G-Men will win, 23-17, is really no big deal. Except for the part where the Patriots seem able to twist even the most innocuous comments into a personal vendetta. When apprised of Burress's prediction, Asante Samuel seemed kind of stunned. "He said that? That's the first I heard of it." Even as he shrugged it off as insignificant you could see Samuel's gears turning, like he couldn't wait to get back to the Patriots compound and see the bulletin board for himself. Plax's prediction comes on the heels of his suggestion that the Giants' receivers were every bit as good as the Patriots. Sure, they caught 24 fewer TD passes than the Pats' wideouts, but who's counting?

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2. Ines Gomes Mont

Thanks, Ines. Just when the soul-crushing empty volleys between the jocks and the media couldn't seem any more meaningless, you have to show up in a provocative wedding dress complete with white fishnet stockings and red high heels. Ines is a "correspondent" for TV Azteca. Google her. And then YouTube her. Once you've got a clip of her playing on your screen, just try to imagine concentrating on Eli Manning's crazy story about the time Peyton came back from college and wanted his old room back ... zzzzzzz. At first I thought Ines made Media Day more bearable, but now I'm convinced she makes it that much more excruciating. A la tuz de la tea, no hay mujer fea. By the light of the torch, there is no ugly woman. And by the light of TV Azteca, the beauty will break el corazon. Especially if you have to go interview Tom Coughlin.

3. Ellis Hobbs

Thomas Hobbes said, "Life is brutish and short." Ellis Hobbs said (paraphrasing), "Who you calling short, (blanky-blanker)?" Maybe there was a better way to phrase it, but however I asked Ellis Hobbs about the challenges of covering the 6-foot-5 Burress, all he heard was, "Damn, you're short." At first I felt bad as he launched into a rant about how much of a better chance he stood of covering Burress than I did, but then it hit me that this was not a guy brimming with confidence. If you have to point out that you're a better cover corner than the four-eyed goofball asking the (apparently) impertinent question, well, you must be having some bad visions of No. 17 haunting your dreams. Hobbs seems a little psyched out and maybe with good reason. Burress physically abused him for a 52-yard gain on the Giants' second play from scrimmage in Week 17, even though Hobbs had perfect position. Manning threw a jump ball and, well, the taller guy went up and snagged it.

4. Matt Cassel

The Patriots' backup quarterback gave the most mind-boggling answer of the day when he told me he'd rather play for four quarters on Sunday and lose then take one snap at the end of the game and win. Just so there was no misinterpreting his answer, Cassel expanded on it, explaining that he — like all the athletes at the Super Bowl — is here to compete, not merely as a spectator. A less-flustered reporter might have produced the logical follow-up, "So you're hoping Tom Brady reinjures his ankle?" Or even, "Does Bill Belichick know you feel this way?" All of Patriot Nation hopes Cassel keeps the ball cap on all game long on Sunday.

5. The World's No. 1 Giants Fan

After he refused to sign the hat of a Packers fan (before the NFC title game) because it would be bad luck for his beloved Giants and then declaring that he, too, would win in an upset, the presidential campaign of former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani looks to have finally run aground for good in Florida. Early exit polls have Rudy a distant third behind John McCain and Mitt Romney in the state where Hizzoner was expected to make a last heroic stand to save his candidacy. After losing badly in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan, Nevada and South Carolina — often having his vote total doubled by Libertarian darling Ron Paul — Giuliani probably wishes he hadn't iced the Packers fan. Turns out he couldn't afford to be too choosy when it came to pandering for the votes of football fans. On the bright side, while McCain and Romney will have to be working furiously on Feb. 3 in preparation for Super Tuesday on Feb. 5, Rudy can just kick back and enjoy the big game.

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