It's Herschel to the rescue

by Jason Whitlock

Updated: April 18, 2008, 10:25 AM EST

"Really that's an understatement, Jason," explained Old School, my best friend since third grade. "Herschel and his new book not only saved my marriage, they saved my life. You have to read Herschel's book, 'Breaking Free.' It's simply amazing."

Old School, when did you start reading books? Hell, you rarely read my columns. You promised never to read another book after they convicted Tom Robinson in "To Kill a Mockingbird." That's the last book I ever remember you talking about, and we read that in like seventh grade.

"That damn Atticus Finch; he blew his closing argument," Old School complained, again. "Atticus was in on it, too. He was probably scared Scout was going to come down with jungle fever."

Let it go, man. You can be so freaking delusional.

"Oh, so you already heard? What, did Nikki call you?" Old School inquired, mentioning his wife of 15 years. "I told her to let me break the news to you."

I haven't spoken to Nikki in two years, ever since you guys separated. Y'all going to reconcile?

"We might, if I can get her to read Herschel's book. You need to read it, too. It's simply amazing. The greatest running back in the history of college football is now one of America's most influential, compassionate authors. I have D.I.D., just like Herschel."

What? You have multiple personalities? You have 12 personalities?

"Well, we don't know if it's a dozen. We haven't done a full count. But I have several 'alters.' At least five, and maybe a half-dozen. We haven't decided."

Who is we, Old School? Are you seeing that same eccentric doctor as Herschel Walker, the guy I saw on "Good Morning America" with Robin Roberts?

"Hell no! You know how I feel about psychologists and therapists. They're pimps with college degrees. My lawyer diagnosed me with D.I.D."

Your lawyer?

"Yeah, we were looking over the allegations in Nikki's divorce complaint, and, man, most of that stuff I don't even remember. She's saying I spent 30 grand in 2006 on an apartment and furniture for a 25-year-old stripper. Nikki has money-order receipts and canceled checks with my signature on it. My lawyer says that it's probably one of my 'alters' brought on by my empathy for single mothers."

Empathy for single mamas? Old School, please, give it a rest. It's me, Jason, your brother from another mother.

"Then you should understand better than anybody. You know how my mother struggled to cope as a single woman with three children. That experience really put a soft spot in my heart for single, working mothers."

Are you crazy? Your parents were together for 46 years. I remember the 40-year anniversary party. Your dad was a dentist, and your mother never worked when we were kids.

"Jason, you have no idea the pain she endured after daddy died. She was a single mother her last three years. I promised her in the hospital I would do all that I could so that no single mother would suffer what she went through."

Oh, so that's why you're in a strip club four nights a week making it rain? You're looking for single mothers to save?

"Hey, are you working with Nikki and her lawyers? They have an unnamed witness who says he'll testify to seeing me personally throw 1,000 one-dollar bills on stage at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas."

I don't talk to Nikki.

"Well, if you do and she brings up the Spearmint Rhino, remember she's probably talking about Chuck's bachelor party. And if you remember, I wasn't myself that weekend. You know how I am in Vegas. We call my Vegas alter 'Goose,' which is short for Grey Goose."

So you have nicknames for your alter egos? My 27-year-old niece told me you sent her a friend request on MySpace. What do you call yourself on there?

"Sugar Daddy."

And what's your alter at that bar you stop at on your way home from work most days?

"Hunter Cougar or Cougar Hunter."

And when Nikki walked in on you and that 35-year-old, blonde mother of two playing romper room in your pool house, who were you then?

"Barack O'Mama."

You're sick, Old School. Just sick. But you don't have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

"I know. We prefer to call it Divorce Isn't Definite."

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