Retro concepts to spice up No Fun League
Why stop there?
While recently watching old "Football Follies" episodes (a good use of my off-season, huh?), I began thinking about retro concepts that I would love to see implemented in today's NFL. Call them the Flashback Five.
1. More freaks!
Some fans still arrive at stadiums dressed like they're attending an NFL-inspired version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. But the Superfan's prominence is fading.
With the exception of "Fireman Ed" Anzalone, unofficial team mascots don't command nearly the same attention Zema "Chief Zee" Williams (Washington) and the late Wilford "Crazy Ray" Jones (Dallas) did during their 1980s heyday. Even the legendary Barrel Man — a k a Denver diehard Tim McKernan — shelved his wooden apparatus following the 2007 season.
As someone who also writes about pro wrestling and mixed martial arts fighting, I have a simple philosophy: The more oddballs involved, the more amused I am. NFL teams should encourage some goofiness by having an annual halftime competition where the crowd chooses among a collection of well-meaning freaks for that year's "Superfan" title.
2. A modern-day "Greek"
Twenty years have passed since the late Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder was removed from the airwaves following a racially charged rant. That's too long a wait for another colorful prognosticator to surface on an NFL pre-game show.
The league understandably doesn't condone gambling. But in reality, there is enough money wagered each weekend — either legally or illegally — to end world hunger.
While he never gave point spreads, Snyder's predictions influenced where some fans placed their bets. Seeing a big-mouthed handicapper pick games against in-studio analysts would add extra spice before kickoff.
 |
| The NFL needs more of Chad Johnson's celebration act. (Andy Lyons / Getty Images) |
3. Celebrate good times
No, I'm not demanding that Kool and the Gang become the NFL's Super Bowl halftime act (although that would be pretty funky). But I am channeling my inner Chad Johnson by calling for a one-game-only return of outrageous on-field celebrations — and the Pro Bowl is the perfect place to do it.
As long as the antics aren't derogatory to the opposition, the NFL should change its "No Fun League" image and waive its anti-celebration rules, especially for a glorified exhibition game that desperately needs some pizzazz. Creative all-stars like Johnson would then have fun without fear of reprimand.
Players could even pay tribute to showboating predecessors like Billy "White Shoes" Johnson (the Funky Chicken), Mark Gastineau (the sack dance), Ickey Woods (the Ickey Shuffle), Henry Ellard (the back-flip), and the 1980s Redskins wide receivers and tight ends known collectively as the Fun Bunch (group high-five). To top off the nostalgia, every player shown on the sideline should say, "Hi, mom!" to the camera.
4. More silence
NFL teams have forgotten that yesterday's home crowds didn't need music between plays to make noise. While not as obnoxious as the NBA, the incessant sound pumped through most public address systems can become unbearable for fans who want to speak with a neighbor or — heaven forbid — gather their thoughts.
Let's leave the Pavlovian tricks for dogs and save the music for appropriate times.
5. A return to innocence
Many of the same issues the NFL currently faces — like steroids, labor strife, escalating player salaries and cheating coaches — were around decades ago. The difference is that the mainstream media wasn't covering these topics ad nauseam.
I strongly believe the subjects can't be ignored. But part of me also wishes that I could be oblivious and care only about what appealed to me when I first started watching football with my father and grandfather as a kid: The game itself.
advertisement
