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What athletes can learn from Kane's cab caper

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Michael Rosenberg


Updated Aug 11, 2009 5:09 AM ET
     
 
Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks is a wonderful hockey player. He can score. He is a skating blur. And, since he plays a sport in which participants frequently open and close a door, he should probably know how to get out of a taxi by now. Apparently he hasn't mastered that. The evidence, according to police reports detailed in The Buffalo News: Sunday morning, Kane's cab fare was $13.80. Kane and his cousin James gave the driver $15. The driver did not have proper change. Then, the driver told police, he was punched in the face, grabbed by the throat and had his glasses broken. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for this. Perhaps Kane was saving his money for a reverse lobotomy. It happened early Sunday morning. I don't know if the Kanes were drunk, but I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt and assuming they were. Nobody gets into that kind of trouble while sober. Both Kanes were charged with felony robbery and misdemeanor counts of thefts of services. How do you get into a cab and walk out with a felony charge? That has to be some kind of record. Pacman Jones is jealous. I am continually amazed by the ways that athletes get into small trouble. I mean, big trouble is a whole different story. Josh Hamilton nearly killing himself with drugs, getting clean, becoming the feel-good baseball story of the decade, then falling off the wagon ... that's big trouble, and not funny. It is just sad, and you have to hope Hamilton has regained his footing. And we can all agree that the Ben Roethlisberger rape allegation is serious business, whether it's absolutely true or completely fabricated. But this ... well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume Patrick Kane does not have a don't-tip-and-punch-the-cabbie-instead addiction. I mean, it's possible. Perhaps he does this all the time. But this seems more like a one-time don't-tip-and-punch-the-cabbie binge. It is only August, but Kane is our leader for dumbest sports trouble of the year. The man could not leave a $1.20 tip. Cheap, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. I know there are athletes out there who want to learn from Patrick Kane's misfortune. They are asking the question that frankly we should all ask of ourselves sometimes: "How do I avoid being a complete moron?" A few things: 1. Remember that the camera is not your friend.

Caught in the 'net

Josh Hamilton Josh Hamilton isn't the first athlete to run into trouble on the World Wide Web. Check out these other stars that have had Internet issues.
One of my favorite old sayings is "Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song." In 2009, substitute "cameras" for "song." Male athletes have been getting drunk and picking up women forever. Heck, picking up women is the reason a lot of them became athletes in the first place. So I get that. What I will never understand is why athletes grab the liquor, stand next to the four nearest breasts and smile into a camera. Have they not heard of Deadspin? Do they think this will look good? I personally don't care if a 24-year-old millionaire gets drunk and sleeps with half of Scottsdale. Just don't smile for the cameras. Among other things, it ruins any argument that somebody invaded your privacy. 2. People like puppies. Don't kill them. I think we all understand this now. 3. Leave the negotiations to your agent. When Charles Barkley got his DUI last year, he tried to explain to the cops that he was on his way to meet a, um, special lady friend who, uh, had a very specific skill set. When Kobe Bryant was interviewed in Colorado in 2004, he apparently tried to ingratiate himself to police by a) mentioning that he had cheated on his wife with a woman (outside of his Colorado incident), b) detailing his favorite sex act to the officers, and c) throwing Shaquille O'Neal under what must have been an enormous bus by saying Shaq just paid off the women he slept with. Now, a) and b) are one thing; the man was being investigated for sexual assault and had to tell the truth. But you don't play the "Cut me a break, I should have acted like Shaq" card. That's just foolish. I once wrote a story about a football player who was waving a gun at police, and when they yelled "Stop! Police!" he replied: "No, I'm not!" When you hit free agency, you negotiate. When you hit a flight attendant, you do not. 4. Let your cabbie keep the change. We went many years without having to write this rule. Thank you, Patrick Kane, for adding to the list.
Tagged: Blackhawks, Patrick Kane

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