by Nick Webster, FOXSports.com

Updated: August 27, 2001, 12:42 PM EST

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To start with there's no sweeter sound to the legions of Red Devil haters (that's half the country) than unrest in the United dressing room. What's up you may ask ... has Keano gone psycho, is Becks wearing Posh's thong, nah it's way worse.

Fergie's favorite defender, Jaap Stam, has caused a rift the size of Phil Thompson's hooter. A Dutchman and controversy ...Hmmm, that's a novel concept and talking of novels that's what all the fuss is about. In Yip-Jaap's newly released autobiography, he's snitched on Sir Alex for 'tapping him up' (making an illegal approach) while he was still a PSV player. Of course this has pricked the ears of the FA police and his 'Fergness' can expect a midnight visit anytime soon.

If this wasn't enough though, Yip-Jaap then went on to describe that Yorkie 'puts it about a bit' and he wasn't talking about the penalty area, Becks is a bit dim (tell us something we don't know) and that the Neville Bros are donkeys (ditto).

Fergie, the stern Scottish headmaster, reacted predictably enough, by fining him a cool hundred and forty grand, stripping him of the vice-captaincy and dropping him from the squad. When asked about the problem Fergie put on his best diplomatic face and said, 'There is no problem with Jaap' and 'He'll be back at some point'. Yer, playing for Lazio in the 'Really Big Money Cup' (Champions League).

While we're on the subject of players speaking out of turn, those oh-so-friendly 'Tykes' from Yorkshire have been at it again. Lee ("Are you looking at my pint?") Bowyer and Danny ("I didn't kick him on purpose ref") Mills could be in a whole load of hot water, and I'm not talking about the 'early bath' they both took at Highbury last Tuesday. On their way to the aforementioned bath both AYLAMP and IDKHOPR had choice words for ref Jeff Winter. According to my source, who said he was at the game, but was probably watching it down the boozer, AYLAMP questioned the parentage of Mr. Winter, while IDKHOPR threatened to do a 'Woodgate' on the fourth official in the parking lot after the match. Both the FA and the 'Old Bill' (police) have said they will be making an inquiry into the incident. Meanwhile, Leeds boss David O'Leary has issued his standard line saying that his young kids are just that ...young kids, and he'll be washing out their mouths with soap and water later.

Finally Vincent Jones, ex of Leeds, Wimbledon and Chelsea and now mega Hollywood film star is making a return to the green beige, right here in Los Angeles. Vinny has agreed to turn out for Hollywood United this coming season in a league that contains yours truly's team. Stay tuned for further details and while you're waiting, get the beers in. I'll see you next week.

Sure, Nick Webster floated across the big pond of his own accord. Still, you got to feel sorry for the sad git left all alone with the Seppos (seppo=septic tank=yank). You can offer your solace at nwebster@foxsportsworld.com.