HILL: A different kind of All-Star squad
But there are two sides of this fanaticism street.
Those of you howling about the privilege of resisting soccer should realize some U.S. citizens love it.
And others - parents dedicated to liberating their children from Nintendo, et al - are learning to love it.
Team @ Large has great respect for Americans who are down with a serious case of soccer.
We've even heard of Preki, although we probably won't need a prescription for another three or four years.
Anyway, we do have a few soccer-related concerns:
Like scripted rasslin'.
The world may adore David Hasselhoff, but that doesn't require comparable affection in the U.S.
Remember, those who enjoyed "Shakespeare In Love" are mature enough to co-exist with the disciples of Adam Sandler.
We're happy the MLS exists, but didn't believe the afterglow of World Cup '94 would goose the league to powerhouse status.
The World Cup worked here because Americans love a great party. Those who sniffed a soccer boom during a relatively well-run Cup probably think Dennis Rodman is capable of motherhood because he looks damn good in a dress.
By the way, during the '94 World Cup, yours truly spent 30 days in a company car - with my Dad, an ex-minor league outfielder, volunteering as co-pilot - rolling to each of the nine venues. Thirty soccer columns in 30 days.
Before it was over, Dad had trotted across a Dallas freeway for breakfast at Denny's and informed me that "Italy needs to create more scoring opportunities for (Roberto) Baggio."
Neither of us has been the same since.
(Editor's note: Never mind him; he's a basketball goon.)
The latest defeat occurred Sunday in Mexico City, where fans of the home team didn't exactly pay their respects during the playing of the "Star-Spangled Banner."
According to soccer sources we don't even have, people in Mexico are a bit irritated by what we've done with the Taco Bell chihuahua.
Forcing the little barker to say "Drop the chalupa" was a surefire way to wreck diplomacy. In real life, a chihuahua would never say that.
If we ever force the Taco Bell mascot to ask "Whassup?" look out, brother.
So, we're not upset about losing to Mexico's national team on the road. The U.S. men never have won there. And, according to my neighbor the soccer mom, America's men need just one more victory to qualify for the next World Cup.
But, since we are egomaniacal Americans, shouldn't we push for something beyond qualifying?
Considering recent history, is that as good as it gets?
Team @ Large has decided to concoct an American side (that's soccer lingo) made up of great athletes who might have been soccer dynamos if soccer had been top dog in the United States.
Of course, there's a good chance our team would get clouted by the real U.S. team, but we're pretending the guys representing our lineup have played soccer since the crib.
GOAL KEEPER
KEVIN GARNETT: Sure, he's 7-feet tall, but if KG can bend the knees and defend small forwards, we believe in his ability to stop the worm-burners. With that wingspan, quickness and tenacity, all he need is the tailor of Jorge Campos.FORWARDS
MAURICE GREENE: Not counting sports writers at a no-host bar, this U.S. sprinter is the fastest living American. With a little ball-foot agreement, all Maurice would need is a Raider fan firing a pistol to get him started.ALLEN IVERSON: A former all-state quarterback in high school, AI also has more heart than Hannibal Lecter. We'd love to see an illegal crossover with his feet.
DEFENDERS
GARY PAYTON: Never a leaper, "The Glove" goes 6-4 to maintain a head up on the competition. The Seattle SuperSonics star makes the team on trash talk alone.JASON SEHORN: The New York Giants corner has good speed, size and probably wouldn't have been able to remove Angie Harmon from the dating market if he'd been playing soccer. Wait ? we're pretending soccer's No. 1. Tough call, but Sehorn can stay.
CHAMP BAILEY: The Washington Redskins cornerback makes it over ex-teammate Deion Sanders. Young Deion would have been sensational - only one name would have been necessary, like in Brazil or right field in Seattle.
But if Deion won't tackle while wearing pads, he'd be in trouble here.
Champ Bailey? Great athlete. Better name.
MIDFIELDERS
JASON WILLIAMS: We can't remember if the ex-Sacramento King used his puppies to boot a ball in that Nike commercial, but his speed, quickness, dexterity and attitude should come in handy when the U.S. meets France.TRAVIS BEST: The Indiana Pacers point guard is a wonderful defender, but a bit short for airborne soccer maneuvers on the back line. His quickness, footwork and soccer-friendly surname drew our attention for work in midfield.
DARRELL ARMSTRONG: The Orlando Magic point guard is strong, quick, fast and ? was a football punter in college.
DEREK JETER: We've never seen him kick a ball with his feet, but something tells us Jeter can.
RONNIE COLEMAN: Bodybuilding superstar wouldn't need to train for soccer, but the physique would come in handy.
In the post-game jersey trade, a shirtless Coleman would scare the hell out of the next U.S. opponent.
Speaking of intimidation, we also think it's necessary for the U.S. men's team to be tagged with a cool nickname. It needs something catchy and identifiable.
For example, Italy's national team is known as the Azzurri.
Team @ Large has decided the perfect name for the U.S. national team is ? the Baltimore Ravens.
Randy Hill can be reached at his e-mail address: rhill@foxsports.com
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