THE GILES FILES: An EPL feast with all the trimmings
by GILES ELLIOTT, FOXSports.com
Turkey
We're talking about EPL turkeys here, not Alpay or Tugay, and there have been plenty of them. Leicester striker Ade Akinbiyi would, of course, have problems in a turkey shoot, but I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling sorry for the amiable Nigerian, who has even rejected overtures from his former club Wolves to remain a Fox and fight to clear his name. The Derby County management has to be a contender too, for the perplexing belief that paying through the nose for Fabrizio Ravanelli would solve the Rams' problems, but Jim Smith has already carried the can for that.
No, Turkey of the Year (drumstick roll please) has to go to Fabien Barthez. Apart from all his flapping, the feathered Frenchman quite simply can't be bothered to move any more, unless it's to indulge in gamesmanship. Not content with trying to con Paolo di Canio into believing he was offside last January, Barthez' antics to prevent Muzzy Izzet from taking a penalty at the weekend were disgraceful. Carve him up and put him on the dinner table.
Mashed potatoes
How Peter Taylor acquired the nickname "Spud" (English slang for potato), only my colleague Nick Webster appears to know, but Spud certainly got mashed by the Leicester directors in September. How sweet it will be for Taylor to lead his new club, Brighton, into the First Division to hunt down the Foxes next season. Lest we forget, Taylor's choice as England captain, David Beckham, is one of FIFA's three nominees as World Player of the Year, and one of the essential Spices necessary for creating your EPL Thanksgiving meal.
Sweet potatoes
Otherwise known as "the players who make you go Yam!" Of all the tubers that resonate with a sweet and full flavor, French Fingerlings get my vote. Robert Pires of Arsenal and his heir apparent Steed Malbranque at Fulham have enhanced their clubs' midfields with all the delicate nuances a man's soccer stomach could desire. A Double Yammy for Pires and Malbranque.
Stuffing
It has to be Blackburn's 7-1 basting of West Ham in October. Mind you, the way the Hammers are defending (21 goals conceded in the last seven games), Glenn Roeder's side may get stuffed a few more times before the seasoning has been fully adjusted. Arsenal's 4-2 loss at home to Charlton comes a close second.
Cranberry sauce
Or, the (Michael) Duberry award for unused substitutes. And the winner is -- Kasey Keller, who added a little touch of sauce to the EPL platter by moving to Tottenham this summer. To sit on the bench, then sit on the bench, and now get injured. Kasey got used to the quiet life growing up on an egg farm in the Pacific Northwest. He is now at peace again at White Hart Lane, but for the US's sake, can Keller keep sharp?
Gravy
We're pushing out the boat here, but Arsenal is leading the gravy train. Japanese international Junichi Inamoto was signed for $5.6M to play for the Gunners, not, and we repeat not, to sell replica shirts in the Far East. Yeah, right. If you want Whine to go with your meal, Arsene Wenger is, of course, a fruity red.
Mixed vegetables
Not a traditional Thanksgiving dish, but we all need our veggies. As food critic Jeffrey Steingarten noted, never trust food that's blue. Similarly, never trust a football team in blue, from west London. The under-nourishing Blues of Chelsea are once again your seasonal vegetables. But Emmanuel Petit and Boudewijn Zenden, all $21M of them, have turned out to be not crisp but limp, soggy and over-cooked. Carrot-top of the Year, incidentally, goes to Liverpool's John Arne Riise, for his goal of the season against Man Utd. Say "cheese", Fabien -- that was a cracker.
Pumpkin pie
Who is sweet as pie? Who gets their just desserts? None other than Sven Goran Eriksson. The Swede banished the memories of previous turnips to have coached England's national team. Culinary (and football) satisfaction relies on foreign influences.
Sated? No! Another feast of EPL football kicks off this weekend with an all-London clash between the Hammers and Spurs, with both teams fresh from dramatic encounters with neighbors Charlton and Arsenal. The aroma of this latest derby blend should be just as intense, if you recall West Ham and Tottenham's epic FA Cup quarterfinal last spring. Also in the capital Saturday, Chelsea hosts Blackburn, and with these clubs separated by just one point, a tight tussle is also guaranteed.
For your Sunday brunch, the fourth team to lead the league this season, Liverpool, looks to maintain its slim advantage when Sunderland comes to town. The Black Cats haven't beaten the Reds in 18 years though.
And then it's back to London for the main course -- Arsenal vs. Manchester United. Winless in four EPL games, the Gunners just have to cook up a winning mixture -- a fourth loss of the campaign for Man Utd would certainly leave the Devils with a sour taste in their mouth. Arsenal also needs to find a keeper worth his salt, or else the visitors will pepper their goal. But who can forget Thierry Henry's delicious winning goal against the champions at Highbury last season? Or Man Utd's 6-1 win over Stepanovs and Co. the last time these teams met? Give thanks, EPL gourmets. This one will be mighty tasty.
Bon appetit.
advertisement
