SHELLEY VISION

TODAY At Wimbledon is the Tennis equivalent of Match of The Day. Watching it, you realise two things. One: how polished the football show is. And two: what a staid, stuck-up sport Tennis is. Every night Today At Wimbledon opens with the sort of desperately contrived, unfunny 'jokey' intro even Gary Lineker would wince at. "It says here if Murray wins Wimbledon , they'll give him a knighthood!" John Inverdale announced, brandishing a newspaper with all the comic timing of a kid in a school play. "They'll give them to anyone nowadays!" chortled Olympic rower Matthew Pinsent. Jolly good show! BIRDS The next night began with a David Attenborough impersonator declaring: "Wimbledon! Home to a vast array of bird-life," before dismissing some of the world's most talented female Tennis players by focusing on their looks. Then it compounded the "birds" description with "and there will be more of these magnificent animals on Gruntwatch." It all confirmed that Today At Wimbledon doesn't take its subject - its own sport - seriously. Unlike Match of the Day, there is barely any attempt to build tension about whether top seeds might have been knocked out. Having shown Roger Federer lose a third set tie-break to Philipp Kohlschreiber, Inverdale immediately told us that Federer took the next set to win 3-1. "You might not know a great deal about Sabine Lisicki but I suspect you're going to," Inverdale purred before highlights of her match against French Open champion Svetlana Kuznetsova which (guess what?) Lisicki won. The BBC has an array of tedious former British players that includes Andrew Castle, Mark Petchey, Chris Bailey, Greg Rusedski, Mark Cox and pretty much any British star who ever picked up a racket. Sam Smith will feature in week two of Wimbledon a lot more than she ever did when she was playing. Tim Henman has earned his place but the missing Miliband brother is so dull he makes Alan Shearer look like Prince. Take away Murraymania and Wimbledon is desperately boring. With no Nadal, the best player is a soulless style icon from Switzerland called Roger. The women's number one has never won a grand slam. Who has a clue what Top 10 seeds such as Del Potro, Verdasco, Simon, Gonzalez and Cilic look like? It desperately needs jazzing up - and not with Inverdale's beloved Fact of the Day. SCATHING Things got so desperate on Friday they resorted to a digression on the demise of Michael Jackson. "Your family lives in LA," Inverdale probed John Lloyd (who was in London). "What's it like there post-Jackson death?" "It's just disbelief really... " Lloyd revealed. It seems churlish to point out this had nothing to do with Tennis. The only saving grace is, of course, John McEnroe - a man who, despite his catchphrase, can be serious and wants to talk about serious issues like the players' security, gamesmanship and changes to the rules. Instead of treating it as a joke, he was scathing about the women's shrieking. "Sanctions?" asked Inverdale earnestly. "Yeah," snarled Mac. "And then we'll go back to wooden rackets." Henman meanwhile ventured, "It's no good." Inverdale ended nearly every show cooing about the sunset and banging on about the roof, shamefully failing to condemn the fact that it cost pounds 100million. It's no wonder Britain's Tennis is such a joke. Give them enough rope AT first, Famous, Rich And Homeless sounded like an idea from the Alan Partridge pitch that included Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank and Arm Wrestling with Chas & Dave. Despite valiant efforts by Rosie Boycott to make a powerful social documentary, it started farcically as - instead of experiencing life living rough - the Marquess of Blandford moaned about being followed round by the camera crew, gave them the slip, and checked into a luxury hotel!! Coronation Street's Bruce Jones (sacked over his drinking), on the other hand, suffered more than enough to earn an end to his exile. (Sign up to bringbackbattersby.com). He ended up so shaken by life on the street that he cried, "I wish I'd never done this show. You've done my head in! Why has someone who can kill (and is now in prison) got human rights ?!" he shouted. "When the homeless have none?!" His solution was ingenious in its simplicity: bring back the death penalty for murderers, rapists, and paedophiles and spend tax payers' money on rehab and housing instead. "I'll pull the rope meself!" he cried, introducing another idea for a Reality TV show: Celebrity Hangman. Dead end Street CORONATION Street has lost the plot with its "romantic" storyline about Fiz Brown chaining herself to the prison railings to stop John Stape's hunger strike and embark on a soppy proposal of marriage. Stape had an affair with his 16-yearold pupil Rosie Webster and then abducted her. He's been beaten up, helped the lovesick Fiz with her home educating of Chesney and given Rosie pounds 150,000 as recompense. Still, it's hard to see why we're meant to feel sorry for either of them. Wit of the week "I'M not getting involved with talking about 'ranking'!" - Wossy to Henman (Friday Night With Jonathan Ross) Good point of the week "COME on, you're too hot to be a cop." - Suspect to Det Dani Reese, right (Life) Chat-up line of the week "DO you like bubble baths?" - Flight of the Conchords fan. Depends who's asking. Little Miss Sunshine STUDENT doctor: "How do you cope?" Dr Linden Cullen: "The only thing certain about life is death." (Planet Holby) Ask a stupid question 1 "THEIR previous time together involved rowing to the Caribbean. What will Ben & James face in Antarctica ?" - Narrator (On Thin Ice). Er, the cold? Question of the week "IF life begins at 40, I don't know what it does at 50." - Dr Elliot Hope (Planet Holby) Ask a stupid question 2 "WHAT? Do you think I'm crazy?!" - Ronnie unveils a drawer full of teddies, rattles and Babygros (EastEnders). Er, yeah D'OH!!! "IS the governor OK about this?" - DC Kezia Walker on DCI Meadows' son being involved in a huge angel dust deal (The Bill). No. Cockney pronunciation of the week "I DON'T know what you're up to... But don't you dare come round my arse tonight." - Lucas (EastEnders). That's fine with me Paxman of the week "I'M really enjoying Shappi's book. It really captures the period... It's called A Beginner's Guide To English." - Jonathan Ross dazzles Shappi Korshandi with his research into her book, A Beginner's Guide To Acting English (Friday Night With Jonathan Ross) Ask a stupid question 3 "SO just how bad is the gang problem in LA?" - Martina Cole to a gang expert in LA, a city with over 1,000 gangs (Martina Cole Girls In Gangs) Bad combo of the week "ANTARCTICA holds the world records for the highest wind speed of 300km/hour and the lowest temperature, minus 89." - Narrator (On Thin Ice) Grudge match of the week "I WON 6-3 and I won with a cricket bat." - Tim Henman beating Jonathan Ross at Tennis (Friday Night With Jonathan Ross) Welcome to Sun Hill FORENSICS expert Eddie: "It's PCP. Angel dust." DC Turner: "And the birthing pool?" "That's what they make it in." - Luvverly (The Bill) Sherlock of the week "THAT sounded like gunfire!" - DC Mickey Webb as Sun Hill is riddled by shooting You don't say... "WE are very much alone." - Ben Fogle crossing the South Pole (On Thin Ice) ECONOMIST OF THE WEEK "HOW else is the market going to recover if forward-thinking young people like Rosie don't show a little bit of faith?" - Sally on Rosie's investment in Underworld (Coronation Street) The Take Fun for all the family Springsteen & the E Street Band (Glastonbury) Puts Bono & Jagger in the shade Michael Jackson Newsnight Jacko: the new James Joyce Angel (Big Brother) Historically irritating Ugly Betty Just not funny Zane Lowe (Glastonbury) Ludicrously uncool... AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL I'VE seen a man with a frostbitten penis and he had to have a... trimming - Polar medical expert (On Thin Ice) WHAT DO YOU THINK? EMAIL shelleyvision@mirror.co.uk FOR EXTRA SOUNDBITES OF THE WEEK blogs.mirror.co.uk/ shelleyvision